Purging the closets of stuff NM sends me

[swimmer]

I'm purging shelves of boxes which contain "gifts" my mother has sent me.  My NM knows the volume of "stuff" she sends me is overwhelming to our household.  She has even tricked me into thinking she "changed" her ways with a small package sometimes. 

Overspending on gifts is my mother's only way of "reaching" many people in her life now.  I always felt bad for not appreciating these gifts, I'd say all the right things like thx for the thought, etc.....

It's sad, but the gifts are full of emptiness and it feels good to see the gifts for what they really are:

-levers to attempt to "pull" me into her groupthink

-attempts at showing how "generous" she is 

-to upset, overwhelm, & distract me from my life

-to convince herself she really is a thoughtful person who "cares"

- to create an image in the family she doesn't "care" about money, and is not materialistic by giving so many gifts to other family members

- to fill her time, as she can't read a book or socialize much doped up on morhine pills

[swimmer]

I'm sure I sound ungrateful.... The things she buys me are almost always useless.  I told her about what I bought for our baby during my pregnancy, and she would go out and buy the same thing  x10, but from a store I could not return it to.  Once in a while I got a useful gift I had asked for, when asked, but it would be used as a lever later.

I just hate "STUFF"!!!!!  I have a few more boxes to open, but I don't ant to ruin my week....

[Hopalong]

Maybe you could look at the gifts like strange birds flying by, and not let them land in your house at all?

Recognize they're an odd bird species that you have seen, you see them fly by, you understand they're doing whatever this odd bird is compelled to do...but they're not birds you're going to set up a feeder for.

And just intercept them, take them straight, still wrapped, to the Goodwill? Or if you have to unwrap them because it's part of the dialogue to sit there and experience this thing...and if you can handle that...

Could you ask yourself to invent a new ritual to protect your psyche and your home from the birds' intrusion? No rule you have to leave your chimney uncapped, is there.

For example, the moment a package comes, go get in your car. Take scissors. Heck, drive to the Goodwill and open it in the parking lot, if you must experience the thing. There it is, bird in the car. Shoo!

And within 5 minutes you're on your way back home, nothing new in the closet.

Hops

[swimmer]

Brilliant Hops!!  Thx for the suggestion.  I'll think about this, but not too much:).

[JustKathy]

Swimmer, I am in the process of doing the same thing. My whole life, my NM's entire world centered around Christmas, and how she could use it to create the illusion of being a loving and generous mother. Every year she started planning months in advance, trying to create the perfect "Hallmark Christmas." There would be a huge tree, and she would buy as many gifts as she could get her hands on (all F's money, since she never worked). She would stack the gifts literally 4-5 feet high. Then she would take photos, and send them to all our relatives. "Look at what a perfect family life I have. Look at what a perfect mother I am."

The gifts were never things that I needed or wanted. In fact, if I specifically asked for something, I wouldn't get it. I would instead get something that I had no use for. Perfect example was Beanie Babies. One year hubby bought me ONE Beanie that had a special meaning to me. NM decided that I was a Beanie collector, and started buying me boxes of them. This was during the Beanie craze when some were selling quite high, and she would pull strings with friends who worked for Hallmark stores to get me the hard-to-find ones, then brag about how much trouble she went to, when I never wanted the things in the first place.

My decision to go NC was (in part) the result of an argument over Christmas gifts. One year we moved into a new house that was very small and had no closet space. We had to downsize, so told M that we preferred gift cards for Christmas, as we had no room for "stuff," especially stuff like Beanie Babies. She went into an N rage and screamed that I was ruining her Christmas, that she "needed" presents under the tree, bla bla bla. Gift giving for her was never an act of love, it was an act of manipulation.

So this year I have started cleaning out the closets full of stuff that I stashed away, much of it unopened. Plush toys, collectibles, jewelry, you name it. While some of these items are cute and/or nice, I have never been able to form an attachment to any of it. The gifts feel dirty to me. As you said, they are full of emptiness. I just want the stuff gone. So some has been sold off on ebay, and a lot has gone to Goodwill. It really does feel good to rid myself of these items. I actually feel that I'm getting a little justice out of this too. My mother is such a bigot, HATES homeless people, and poor people in general. So if my donation can bring a smile to an underprivileged child, all the more awesome.

[Sealynx]

Swimmer,
I've recommended this book before. You may enjoy reading Merrill Markoe's "It's my F)(*&&g Birthday" A humorous journal style account of years of birthdays with her N parents. They did the same thing to her...
S

[swimmer]

Thx for sharing the book title Sealynx, looking forward to looking into it:)

Thx JustKathy for sharing, once again I had this deep inside feeling I was wrong for not appreciating these "gifts". 

Christmas around my mother hits a sore spot for me as well.  The Christmas with too much stuff, decorations and presents etc...  This past year it was actually a blessing my husband,,daughter and I were sick for the 3-4 weeks around the holiday.  We got a tree up, but were not able to get any gifts (which we don't buy much anyways in other years). 

I think what kept me from getting rid of the stuff before, is I know deep inside it is the only sign of her best focused attention on me.  It really is full of nothing and it's a good time for me to learn what a real gift  is.  I thought if recieving a gift was at all about myself, it was wrong.       

[JustKathy]

I think what kept me from getting rid of the stuff before, is I know deep inside it is the only sign of her best focused attention on me.

I absolutely understand that. It's probably the reason that I've held onto my own stuff for so many years. I kept telling myself, that despite her cruelties, she DID go to the effort to shop for these items for me. It took years (decades) for me to finally see that she didn't put the effort in to make me happy, she did it to make herself happy. Even if she went out of her way to find a special gift for me, she really wasn't buying it for ME, she was buying it for all the people around her who would be impressed by it. It was never about me. It was about HER. It's taken me a very long time to come to terms with that, but I see it now.

[JustKathy]

I should add, that there's another reason for my not wanting NM's gifts. I left home while still in high school, and fled with only the items that would fit in my car. For years I have been asking M to return some of my childhood possessions - gifts from my grandmother, and things that had true sentimental value to me. She gave most of those items to the GC to sell on eBay, and gifted me with thousands of Beanie Babies instead. I think her gifting was one more way to stick it to me. She was in possession of MY beloved items, items that she knew I wanted, and could return to me for free. She preferred to spend thousands of dollars to help her put on a show for others, knowing all the while that I was hurting inside for being denied the things that I really wanted.

[swimmer]

JustKathy-  Ughhh, that's horrible about the beanie babies and getting a sibling involved with selling the things you loved.  That's just how it happens, the NM is a master at getting a golden sibling involved to attempt to split any sibling bond.  The beanie baby story you told is so classic.  There has to be a name for something like that.... I think NM's claim to be "emotionally" sensitive by glomming onto something they heard you mention in passing you liked, and make it something else.  It's like someone with a reading comprehension disability, but much more grave.  A real expression of the distorted thinking that NM's embody.  

How do you feel about the original beanie baby you got?  Is it still sentimental?  When stuff like that happens to me, it's really hard on my psyche to keep it all straight.  I hope you still have the original sentiment with that first beanie baby you got:)

When I went to college, my mother would let my cat shred my snoopy.  I would hide it in the attic, and it would appear back again.  It was kind of sick, I would tell her to stop doing this and she couldn't even make eye contact.  She raided my whole closet when I went to college.      I always felt like she thought she had a right to my "space".  She tries to undo sentimental things in my life.  When I got married, I told her about these champagne flutes I was looking for..... very simple and not crystal.... Something you'd find at crate and barrel- nice but not ostentatious.  She bought crystal flutes in her style, which trigger flashbacks for me as she behaved very badly at my wedding (the kind of behavior only I would find terrorizing, so nobody knew).  

[JustKathy]

Yes, I do still have the original few Beanies that my husband bought for me. I always kept them separate from the ones NM gave me. I always sort of looked at them like they were two different Beanie families, if that makes sense. I kept them segregated. The "good" Beanies didn't stay in the same container as the "evil" Beanies.

Interesting that you mention your Snoopy. I also had a large Snoopy that I just adored. After I moved out, NM washed it somehow, I think in the machine. She then returned it to me, and told it was filthy and had to be washed. Whatever she did to it, all of the stuffing was out of the neck, so his head hung down like he had a broken neck. I still have that Snoopy, and keep him propped up so his head doesn't fall over. It's the weirdest thing, like she tried to kill him. She broke his neck before returning him to me. IS that creepy or what?

[JustKathy]

I read this on the Daughters of N Mothers web site, about how they turn the GC against the scapegoat child.

"Growing up, the Scapegoat can understandably feel very jealous of the Golden Child. This, of course, leads to friction between the children, which suits the Narcissistic Mother. Divide and conquer and all that, and lots of opportunities for Triangulation. Indeed, the Golden Child can be encouraged, either overtly or tacitly, by the Narcissistic Mother, to bully the Scapegoat which adds to the friction."

http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/golden-child-scapegoat.html

My brother was a very gentle and loving person when he was growing up, but by the time he reached his twenties, NM was using him as a total tool. He would do whatever she asked him to do. If she asked him to do something that would hurt me (like selling off my childhood possessions), he would do it and say he was just doing it for her. As he got older, he didn't need prompting from her anymore. He became quite cruel, dissing the Christmas gifts I got for him, ridiculing my jobs. There came a point where a switch just went off in him, and he started to bully me without her assistance.

I don't even recognize my brother anymore. After he started complaining that my gifts weren't high-end enough, I stopped giving them to him. Once he stopped receiving gifts and money from me, he ceased contact. I was of no use to him anymore. My NM taught him that people are only useful to you as long as they are giving you money. Ironically, this has just come back to bite her big time. She has terminal cancer, and is no longer giving him cash and gifts. Last Christmas was expected to be her last, and he didn't show up. Totally blew her off and went to his in-laws instead, where he knew he would get presents. What goes around comes around. NM raised a selfish bastard who only cares about himself, and now that she needs him . . . oh well, he only cares about himself.

[swimmer]

JustKathy-

Great info!  I just read the link about scapegoating and GC's.  The triangulation confusion with my GC brother has been the most trouble for me over the years, at least I think.... I can prepare myself to get over realizing I had an emotionally absent mother, cause often I had to soothe her.  But the relationship she robbed me of with my brother is really hard to deal with.  The only way I really know how to be around my brother most of the time is by feeding his narcissism, or falling silent.

My brother has definitely bullied me.  It's weird, I thought I was this special younger sister for so long..... As he had this "image" of being the protective brother.  Isn't the most important element of being protective about absolving bullying?  My brother did not need prompting to bully me either after a while.  In fact, the last time I spoke with him was when he was ordering me to invite her to a small family event I hosted. He never showed up, no call to cancel.... I guess he didn't care about it anyways??

My mother professed to me countless times while growing up how jealous my brother was of me.  I was always baffled by this....  I never
subscribed to this 100% though.  I was tricked into thinking my brother was the poor jealous one.... But I was the one who wasn't praised
and put down.  I basically wasn't allowed to be jealous of my brother, it would backlash on me.  NM was so good at covering up her image.
I think she actually thought I would never figure all this out.