My sister freaked out on me

[seastorm]

,,c

[seastorm]

my sister is diagnosed as Bi Polar and she really lashes out sometimes. She is going full tilt this time.
She said she was worried about me and that I have to spend half the day taking care of myself exercising and eating well. She said I make horrible decisions and she is forced to hide her horror about them. She expresses this fear and it is aweful. I cant stand it. I try to keep calm and matter of fact but it goes on and on.

I am off work because of burnout and I can hardly walk because of my knee. I am 100 pounds overweight. It took a lot for me to go off work and choose to be healthy. I am resting and reading, walking, doing fun things,coming alive, eating much better. I am trying.
I have to rent out a suite downstairs to help with the mortgage. The last tenant was lovely. There is a guy coming from France for a month to work on an underwater computer cable.  He will be working for Neptune, a big marine station here, and is employed through the main university. I called him at his home in Paris. He will be paying really well because it is only one month.

She is freaked out because  I get tenants for my suite downstairs thru Craigslist. She says I must stop doing this  because there are murderers there and havent I heard about this on the news. I have had some pretty weird tenants but there is a limited gene pool to choose from in a small town. I rent a little house out too. The last guy stuck me for one months rent and hydro. That is a thousand dollars.  He paid rent for one month. The place had been empty for three months so I was glad to get even one months rent to cover the mortgage on that place.Now I have good tenants there. You win some, you lose some.

So she thinks I have terrible judgement and she has a right to tell me how fearful and angry she is. And it is very big and very black.
She has attacked me for being with my exN and how I would not listen to her dire warnings about him. She basically hates every man i  have been with so I dont always listen. She does not like my friends usually and sees evil in them. This is her sick side. When she is well, she is not so angry and negative and she is a good friend. This is really undermining right now though.

 I dont love being a landlady. It would be ducky to have the house to myself.  However, the suite rental helps a lot. The suite is completely separate. My sisters house was paid for by my nasty aunt and this aunt pays  for upkeep and all kinds of things. As payment back my sister has to put up with aunties mean,mean spirit and control.  This aunt does not like me as I cant suck up to her. For instance, she hates Native people, black people, chinese people, homosexuals and she will tell nasty stories and expect me to eat it up. I dont so she hates me. I remind her of my mother, who she really hates and who is dead now. I dont want to hear nasty stories about my mom.

Basically, my sister has sold out to the aunt. She is bought and paid for. In some ways this is ok because my sister cant work because of her illness and the aunt adopting her was a godsend.  But beware of such gifts. I dont have the luxury of not renting out my suite. I will check to see if this french guy works where he says he is working.  It is just too fantastic to be a lie.He really is in France and he gave me his number and I called there.  For Pete's sake, it is a vacation rental suite. Lots of people have them.

She is my older sister and to be attacked really hurts. Also I feel angry. I am trying as hard as I can to get my life on track.
I have tried to sell the rental house but no luck. I have tried to sell my house for one and a half years and no luck. It is a crappy market. So I rent out. One has to have good boundaries to do this. Sisters, it is a tough business.

 I really would appreciate comments on this as I feel aweful.It has helped to write about it.



Sea storm




           

[Hopalong]

His situation sounds pretty benign to me.
Why don't you ask him for references and run a credit check? That's not expensive and you can ask someone local (like the police dept., non-emergency office) how one goes about checking a prospective tenant for safety.

Your sister's not being helpful. You are renting space because that's what your real circumstances require. All her shaming and judgments about it are not helpful or kind.

It's also none of her buisness what you do in order to navigate the necessities of your life.

Butt OFF, sis.

xo
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hi Sea,

It sounds to me like your sister needs to spend as much time focusing on her own life as she does on yours!  Several points here:

1  You're an adult, not a naive twelve year old.  Renting property is a good way of making extra money.  it would be madness to have that untapped rental potential sitting there doing nothing.  Sometimes you have good tenants, sometimes bad.  That's the nature of any business - plumbers get clients that don't pay, shop owners have people stealing from them.  My current landlord wasn't going to rent again after his last tenants because they left the place in such a state that it ended up costing him more than he'd got from them in rent.

2  You have to spend half a day eating well and exercising.  According to which law, exactly?  As long as your life is within the boundaries of the law, what you do is your business and no-one elses.  You are looking after yourself and working hard at getting well again.  It takes time, effort and patience.  Even if you weren't, she has no business telling you you must.  This isn't concern, it's control.  It sounds to me like she has no control in her own life (tied by the evil aunt because of the house) so she tries to control others.  Sad, but her issue, not yours.

3  If people are worried about other people there are healthy, constructive ways of trying to butt in (to put it politely).  For example, if she felt you were not eating right or getting enough exercise she could suggest a healthy day together once a week - a walk, a swim, a healthy picnic somewhere pretty.  If you wanted to go and found being with someone helpful then great, if you said no thanks then it would be right for her to respect that and not give out to you about it.  Similarly, she could offer to vet clients for you, do credit checks, get references etc.  Berating you and telling you that you're doing it all wrong is abusive and doesn't help anybody (especially when it sounds like you are doing it all right in the first place!).

I wonder if she sees you getting healthy as a threat?  You have a way of making money without having to go to work (via the rentals), you've taken time out to get yourself well and are making progress.  Sometimes I think people see you are changing and on some level they know the status quo is going to change, so they try and derail you.  I was diagnosed with bi-polar six years ago.  I decided to manage it through diet, exercise, therapy and complementary treatments because I found the meds very difficult to live with.  There was a lot of resistance to this, with a lot of raised eyebrows about me 'having' to do yoga every day and needing 'me' time.  I've been off meds for five years and haven't had any problems.  I also have no contact with my family.

I think it's very tough to have to deal with this.  You could try a polite "thanks for your concern but I don't want to discuss this" approach.  You could be more direct and tell her it's none of her business and to keep her nose out.  You could try and avoid her for a while - it all depends on what you think you can cope with.  I remember lying to my family and telling them that I'd got a full time job because it was the only way to keep them away.  Seems crazy now looking back, but the thought of just saying "Sorry, I'm busy on Tuesday" was just to much to cope with.

Be reassured that it's her with the problem, not you!  Keep at it, Sea xx

[seastorm]

thank you so much. What you wrote was so helpful. I was lost in the feelings and judgements. It is time for me to detach from my sister a bit. It is very true that she seems annoyed I am getting on my feet and taking care of myself.

Most of the time she manages to keep stress down, eats well, exercises and she stays balanced emotionally. She does not want to take medication either. Her thyroid is out of whack too so she has a lot to cope with. Combine all that with my vulnerability to criticism and a propensity of taking things too personally and it gets messy.

Everything you said was true. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate the support.

Sea storm

[Gaining Strength]

Don't forget Sea - she is mentally ill.
After the attack comes and your emotions take charge find some pshychological space to remember that this assault does not have a sound basis and if you can find a way to detach from it and from her with love and kindness as though she is a babblin village idiot.  In terms of your life that is exactly what she is.

[Sealynx]

Sea,
I would imagine that dealing with your aunt creates a lot of anger in this woman. I would also bet that when she gets enough, she attacks you to let off steam and some of this might even be after conversations with the aunt about you. The bottom line is that she is sick and can't or won't own her own feelings. I'm sure if you sold everything and were doing well she'd find something else to annoy you with.
S

[swimmer]

Hi Sea-

Your sister need to get a life of her own.  Might she be jealous at how savvy you are with all you are doing.  Maybe you getting your life in order is threatening to her.  When a person is critisizing you, especially when you are taking steps to improve yourself.... It's not worth your time.  TOXIC!!

Craigs list is a great thing!!  This is what smart people do in a rough economy.  You have life skills Sea, and that is a good thing. 

[HeartofPilgrimage]

seastorm, the reason I don't post much any more is that I got a new job that takes a lot out of me (time and energy) --- and my job is working with people who have major mental illness. PLEASE remember that being manic causes people to say and do things that they are very embarrassed about later. IF your sister has a history of being manic --- and if afterwards she realizes how inappropriate she was --- then, you two probably can continue to have a relationship, and I recommend telling her firmly but politely that you will talk to her when she is better controlled on her meds. Actually that will cut down on her opportunity to make a fool out of herself and she will have less to apologize for later.

[seastorm]

My sister refuses to take medication. She cant or wont tolerate the side effects. I get tired of her not taking medication as it is very hard on people who love her( understatement of the year). She gets very righteous and insists she has a right to her anger. Her anger is too big for me and it is cutting.

It is true that she takes out her frustration with nasty auntie on me. Her words echoed my aunts opinion of me word for word.It is really creepy what people will do to get money from a-holes.

I take antidepressants and the side effects of weight gain and difficulty getting to sleep at night are not fun, but I think they allow me to cope. For all that I am starting to feel human again after being off work for one and a half months. These jobs in the helping professions require total one hundred percent commitment. I did not realize how much of myself was lost.
I dont thnk most people understand burnout. I am one burnt out noonie. I am doing the right things so will feel better soon. I dont have any Ns in my life or if they are around I am not taking anything personally if I remember  to do that.


Sea Storm

[Gaining Strength]

Sea - that is such a healthy post.  You are taking care of yourself.  How awesome.
Here's wishing you deep relief from that depression and rest and joy.

[Twoapenny]

Sea,

Your sister does have a right to her anger, but she doesn't have a right to take it out on you.  I can understand her not wanting to take meds; I found the side effects unbearable and found that they numbed me completely.  However, I switched to complementary treatments with a homeopath before coming off them and then gradually reduced the dose over time.  Personally, I prefer complementary treatments because they deal with the source of the problem rather than the symptoms, but it's hard work using those when you have a mental health problem.  You have to be self aware and very honest about how you feel and how you deal with it, and you need someone objective you can trust (usually a therapist) that can talk things through with you.

It's not fair for your sister to expect you to simply put up with her if she's being angry.  For me, the bulk of my mental health problems stemmed from years and years of unexpressed emotions, and from being scared of how I felt.  I have had some angry outbursts at members of my family but it was generally at people who had behaved badly.  If she got angry at your aunt that would be fair enough but getting angry at you gives her an outlet for her feelings that you haven't agreed to provide.  I had a lovely friend who helped me over and over again when I was ill.  I had a massive angry outburst at him one day, all aimed at other people but he was there and instead of yelling at them I yelled at him and called him names and was thoroughly disgusting.  I lost that friend.  We still speak but it's never been the same between us - there's a wariness in him now that wasn't there before.  We don't spend much time together and I really miss him.  It's my fault completely - that's life and when you mess up you have to accept what you did.  Maybe it's time your sister knew she can't decide what you should and shouldn't put up with?  Maybe some clear boundaries need to be put down so that you can get better?  She obviously needs to get better too but she needs someone other than you to help her with that, I think. xx