I am so sad...please help me.

[angrygirl]

I can't believe this but I am actually welling up as I type this.  You see my husband gave me a book today that he thought would help me..called Children of the Self Absorbed. That is not why I am sad... I am sad because as I read this I realize that after all of these years I was not the one with the problem...it was my NMother.  

Let me give you a glimpse into what has transpired in our relationship, as she and I have none as of this date - it has been over a year now and I am soooooo incredibly sad about it.  I know I can't change her  and I wrestle with just accepting blame so that we can have a relationship..I know this is not good.  

I had an incredibly hard time conceiving my son.  When I did, I was so excited about it and wanted to share it with them (NMom & Step dad).  BTW, I love my Stepdad more than life itself but he is controlled by my NMom so I have not had contact with him either.  Anyway,  I went over my mom's house to show her the ultrasound pic of the baby at 6w.  She wanted to copy it, I said she could but that I would like her to erase the personal info on top, in case anyone saw it.  She took this to be that I wouldn't let her do it.  Then she acted like a child, and didn't want it. Long story short, there was an argument.  My Stepdad said, it was a misunderstanding lets just forget it.  She rolled her eyes, and had a nasty pout on her face as she left us sitting at the table and went to wash dishes.    My husband said lets go.  We did.  I went home sobbing that this was the most important and miraculous day of my life, all I wanted to do was share it with her and she was acting like this.  She never called.  I called about 2w later and said, are we still in a fight? She told me how it was a bad time and then went on to scream at me for the next 15minutes telling me how I was Ms. Perfect, How I was the one who was wrong, How I was to never F'n call her again and hung up the phone on me   So I fired off an email to her explaining how she once again disappointed me and how it wasn't the first time and how mean she was to behave like this.  For god's sake she is my mother, etc.  She never replied.  My grandmother & sister were now in on it, that there was a problem with us and weren't talking. My mom has an incredible knack for always being the victim.  She has never apologized once in her life, NEVER! She is never wrong, and as I said in my email to her, it must be nice to go through life without ever having to apologize to anyone for anything, always being right.  Anyway, I had my baby - 9 months later, still no word from my mother.  My grandmother decided that she didn't feel right going to anything that my mother wasn't going to be at.  My sis is mad because the family isn't together like it should be, mostly because she has kids and it doesn't look right to them.  So now my baby is almost a year old. I love him with all of my heart and I don't want him to be exposed to any of this but I want him to know his grandparents.  My Ilaws are wonderful people and they know that we had a disagreement but they have no idea of the extent of the problems.  It is weird when my parents are not at events and since my grandmother won't go unless my mom is there, I have no family except for my sister & her family. Which looks weird. How do I handle this?  Especially since my baby's 1st birthday is the day after xmas, I want to have a big party but am embarrassed by the fact that my own parents/grandmother don't even care enough to be there.  Any suggestions....please my heart is aching and I am so incredibly sad.

Angrygirl

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry that it hurts to have to let go of crazy people.  It is not easy at all.  It is understandable to want a "normal" family, not a mother who swears at you and tells you to never call again, who "never" apologizes and a family who stick by her.   That hurts.  The fact is...she hurts you and she will hurt you over and over again, as she has done.  Coming to grips with this is hard and it takes time to adjust.  You can do it!!

One thing that might help is to think of the family your children dooooo have, rather than what they don't need (n family members to hurt them).  They have your sister, who it sounds like she is supportive, and your husband's family, who you say are "wonderful people".  Your son will be better off with a small healthy family than he will ever be with a large messed up one, right?  Lot's of people have small families and it's ok.

What if you have a nice birthday party for him and forget all about the people who are only interested in causing chaos?  Invite those who you know are a good influence and who actually care about your son.  If anyone asks just say that the others are too into themselves to celebrate
(and if that's too embarassing--then say they won't be attending).

Your hubby loves you and your little boy is all the joy you need to make your little family a loving, happy one-- in a calm, healthy place.  You could decide to focus on that idea, instead of the crazies-- who have no clue how to get to or be in such a place.

[bunny]

angrygirl,

Your mother has some very serious problems. She acts like she's five years old. Of course you wanted your mother to be excited for you when you were pregnant. Your mother couldn't handle it, though. She was too envious.    

I knew a woman whose mother refused to attend her baby shower. No one thought less of her, but we did think her mother was incredibly mean. She didn't explain why her mother wasn't there. If anyone had asked, she could have said, "Well, she was invited." The parent who refuses to come to a one-year-old's birthday party is clearly the one who looks bad! There is no earthly reason to rebuff a small grandchild unless you are hateful and that is what people will conclude.

As for whether you will become an N parent and how does one become an N parent: one becomes an N parent by behaving narcissistically, copying earlier N role models, not questioning oneself at all, not reflecting on one's behavior, not caring about anyone's feelings but their own, and expecting everyone to cater to them. This is not you. But if you have major fears about it and feelings that you're inadequate as a wife or mother; please consider therapy. It really can help.

bunny

P.S. I agreed with Guest's reply to you.

[angrygirl]

Thank you so much.  I finally feel like I can talk about this with people who know exactly what is going on without even getting into all of the crazy details of my Nmom history.  I started to when I read your replies because it was like THANK GOD! I am not the crazy one, the mean girl, the disrespectful, disobediant, thoughless girl I have been told I was by my Nmom.  I am so glad that I found this site.  Thank you for all of your input.  I am so ashamed of the fact that my mom never even saw my baby or cares about him and that my grandmother always sides with her and thinks she can do no wrong. I miss my Dad (step) so much and just want to give him a big hug and say why? why? do you let her control you too? Why dont you stand up to her and say I want to see "angrygirl" I know he loves me and wants to see me, he was/is everything to me, such a kind man.  Great, now I am crying again ...  I guess I have to realize that I can't fix her so I need to just heal myself and try to forgive.  

Thanks
Angrygirl

[katsy1t]

My nmom tried to do similar things as your mom.  After my sister's wedding, my mom called me and told me I had done something at the wedding that had horrified my sister. . . . and that my sister was ashamed of me.

I called my sister and told her how sorry I was that I had embarassed her and that if this is how things are going to be, perhaps we'd best never talk to each other.  Fortunately, her new husband asked some very pointed questions:  1)  Who spoke for my sister?  My mother.  2)  Was it true of my sister?  No.  3)  Then it was my mother who was upset and not my sister.

That was an "aha" moment for the two of us.  We realized our nMom was doing whatever she could to start us fighting with each other.  At that point, as sisters, we joined forces.   We realized that whatever nMom said was not the truth.  If we needed to say something to each other we would call.

It's worked out well.  My sister and I take turns being frustrated with the nMom.  Some weeks she won't have anything to do with nMom, and then I step in.  When I get frustrated with nMom and want to have nothing more to do with her my sister steps in.

Here's hoping you and your sister can forge an alliance.

[Ellie]

Hi angrygirl,
You have joined a group who know what you are going through. Even if the situations are different, the hurt is still the same.

My Nparents (yes, both are destructive) have not seen my children for over 6 years. They missed a huge part of their growth. 2 of my kids are teens now and the youngest is 10, so they haven't seen him since he was 4. They chose this. We moved across the US for H's job and Nparents got sooooo mad. Actually they got mad that we didn't leave our kids there for them to raise. We visited once and it was a disaster. They refuse to come out to visit us. But they drive 1400 miles to visit my sister and her family.

Kids adjust to whatever is going on. My kids do not know my parents anymore. They don't remember much about them and wouldn't recognize them on the street. H's family is also across the US from us but we have remianed close. My kids know them very well. H's mom visits every year. She calls them every 2 weeks if not sooner, and we call the alternating weeks. She always asks to speak to each member of the family.

My kids see this as 'normal' behavior and have grasped the idea that my Nparents are not 'normal'.

I will not deny that giving up the hope of a 'normal' family, loving mother and grandmother, loving father and grandfather, someone to call when your child hits milestones, someone to gain parenting advise from, is painful. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, and I'm still not over it.

But life does go on, with or without the destructives. You get healthier without them. Your children have a better chance at growing up happy without them in your life.

And as for me, I would LOVE to have a party for my child and know that H's family will be there and Nparents know about it, but are not invited for their mean and nasty ways. To me that would be a victory! But that's just me  

[Discounted Girl]

Angrygirl -- bless your heart -- you sound so sweet, tender and kind-hearted. Shame on that old witch mother of your's. You got ripped off in the mother department, but it sounds like you are truly blessed with a loving husband and now this precious little angel God gave to you. Pour all that love you needed onto that little angel -- you are in for joy like you have never imagined as your boy grows. Your mother did not want to be involved in the pre and post birth of your son. He would be the star you see, and not her, and she is not about to play second banana. Hang in there and everytime those tears well up you grab that little angel and kiss him and smile and thank the one who sent him to you.

[Anonymous]

OMG! Every time I read a response I am like a fool.  Thank you so much!  

Discounted Girl-Thank you for your kind words.  I am indeed grateful/thankful every day of my life for my H & son.  He is an angel sent straight from above.  I do want the best for him, and he is such a happy, smiley baby.  My H is incredibly supportive, he really didn't know what he was getting into when he met me, at the time I didn't know what I was already in.  I have to say that he is the one who showed me that she treated me like crap and if it weren't for his family, I honestly don't think I would have ever known how healthy families interact with one another. I love them all so much.  

Ellie-I am sorry that your H family doesn't live closer to you.  It sounds like you did a great job with your kids     My sis lives about an hour away, and my parents don't visit them that often.  I would ask my mom why she didn't go down and visit her, when she wasn't working, and she would say, I am busy its not like I can just pick up and go there..I have the dogs, etc.    But ever since our separation, she seems to have found the time to go and stayover even    I am pretty sure that any time I go to visit my grandmother with the baby or to my sisters my Nmom doesn't hear anything about it.  My gmom doesn't mention me to Nmom because she told her she didn't want to know anything about me and my Gmom doesnt want to upset her My sis doesn't want to get in a fight with Nmom so she doesn't mention me either.  It is so funny, when I decided to wait it out to see whether she would call and apologize, my theory was that she would break down and call.  Then I thought, if they told her they came over saw the baby, etc she WOULD realize what she was missing, put her pride behind her and make up.  Never happened. Instead, 2months after they (parents/gmom) returned from vacation we received a package in the mail.  I was so scared to open it, I thought maybe some of my childhood items, etc (she has sent those to me in the past when we weren't talking just to hurt me) well it turned out to be a couple of crappy gifts from her vaca, with a note - Just so you know, I brought back gifts for ALL my grandchildren! no signature.  She has NEVER not once asked or even acknowledged my baby and then this? WTF? Anyway, Whew! Sorry for all of that, well I just wanted to say thanks for letting me ramble and I am sorry for your situation also.


Angrygirl

[Anonymous]

Angry Girl:  Like Ellie said, we have all been there and are still being there!  I figured out long ago that if it wasn't about my Nmom, then it wasn't important.  Don't know, though, my mom loves my kids.....probably because she has fresh blood to control!!!  I suppose every Nparent deals with different things in different ways.  

The thing we have in common is that we get mixed messages from our parents, we feel invalidated and out of control.  I'll bet if you look back in your family history you will realize that the dysfunction goes way past your Nmom.  Look at your grandma.  Why would she choose to comply with your Nmom?  Unless your mom is the "alpha" character in the family dynamics.  My Nmom is.  She is the center of the universe in our family and in her world.

An example.  My mom got a wedding invitation from a family we have all known for my whole life.  No one in the family got an invitation but her.  Then she went around and invited the rest of the family as her guest.  Well, my aunt said No.  If she wasn't invited, she wasn't going.  But my mom said that everyone knows that she is the matriarch and that everyone in the family is invited under her umbrella.

You have our support.  This forum has been great for me!!

Kelly

[genuine]

Hi angrygirl,

First of all a big HUG! I know all too well the extent of a mother's abuse. Mine made me have an abortion when I was 19 so as not to shame the family, but rubbed it in my face when my oldest brother and his wife had their first child in 2002. We are no longer in contact but my mum rang and had to leave a message on my answering machine that my brother welcomed another child (a baby girl) into the world last month. So even from a distance she is playing nasty mind games. Your mother is jealous of you without a doubt. Please don't ever blame yourself, she is and always will be the problem. Just think of all the times she has hurt you and ask yourself "do I want to expose my child to this?" She won't treat your child any better if she doesn't treat you well, her own daughter. My partner and I have already worked out that our NParents won't be seeing our children when we start a family until they wise up and only on our terms. With the 1st birthday looming I guess if you want to try one more time, there is no harm sending her an invitation and if she doesn't come, rule her out for good. If your Mother hasn't bothered to come see your baby since the birth, I wouldn't bother with her AT ALL! Very selfish lady. Don't ever feel embarrassed. Maybe if people ask you can say "we no longer have contact" and leave it at that. Its no one else's business. Hold your head up high, be happy because if your not, then your mother is winning. Her intention is to punish you for some imagined slight which is all in HER head, not yours. I hope everything works out.

genuine