Hi Bludie,
The above "guest" reply was me, just too lazy to re-sign in after somehow getting signed out
Also, please forgive me but for some reason I thought you were male! It is difficult to tell by some generic board names, but I can see by your reply below (your X finance being male) that you are likely female...
During one brief conversation she conceded to thinking fatalistically about the future of our friendship -- in a sense, banishment -- to avoid hurt or disappointment.
In fairness to her, I must also admit that she witnessed my gradual but prevailing preoccupation with my ex-N-fiance and his circumstances (unruly kids; shifting job climate; suicidal ex-wife -- gee, I wonder why -- sorry) and all the attention and focus that an N requires.
I understand where she is coming from in that I've felt like completely withdrawing from a particular relationship when I've felt rejected and terribly hurt by something big that would change within it, too. But I have to say that I also felt that way
because the relationship was unstable/rocky in the first place. It was just like as you describe with your and your friend's, where core issues were never able to get addressed. It was with my xN dating partner.
Had the relationship been stronger, I wouldn't have reacted the same at all. It would have been easy to just discuss things rationally, and there wouldn't have been the weight and pain of dozens of other unaddressed issues on my shoulders.
Your friend could also be still carrying around pent-up, undisclosed feelings about your former preoccupation with your X dating partner & how that affected your friendship,
on top of your moving.
I have no idea what is going on in her mind of course, but it is at least
possible that she is also thinking that since you somewhat set her aside emotionally during your dating relationship, she might resent the idea of being there (hence emotional distance & cancelling bike trip) to hear all about the pain of it being over, and "pick up the pieces" so to speak. She also might be feeling wanted and disposed at will.
I admire you for being compassionate and insightful enough to imagine her side of things, and hopefully it is the same for her with you.
I also think you are really doing the wisest thing in not reacting outright. For one, you have enough on your plate at the moment, and secondly, there are likely some things for you to take some time to think on regarding your friendship. You can always tell her that you are taking time to get over your former romantic relationship, which is true. But what I am saying is that you do not even have to tell her that you are re-evaluating your & her friendship right now.
When you do come together again to talk, I think it will be so important that you tell her that it will be necessary to talk about things as they come up, in order to have a good friendship. That it won't be possible to have one unless issues that are upsetting to either party are able to be discussed and dealt with as they arise, instead of silently festering.
She seems afraid of addressing conflict for some reason (not sure how you feel about doing so with her), so you can even assure her that you will not judge her for her feelings, but only try to understand them and work through the problem at hand. You can also tell her that getting through conflicts will make your friendship stronger, not weaker, and that you will always respect her for her honesty.
All of this going on in your life right now, even though very painful at the moment
, can be a great opportunity for positive life change in the long run.
You can learn some valuable things about yourself regarding your former relationship with N (I learned a lot about myself from having dated an N traited person for 5 years), and you have the opportunity to at least try to have a "brand new & improved" relationship with a long time very good friend.
I really hope it works out with your friend...
BT
