Just figured something out

[swimmer]

I've just figured out something.  As some of you might know, I've struggled with the guilt of going NC, and not being able to "handle" my mother.  I'm always worried my relatives will try to lure me back or judge me harshly in front of my daughter.  I think sometimes my daughter will grow up to find out I was as horrible as my mother envisioned.  I'm getting somewhere ......

I figured out I'm constantly putting myself in this category of "people who don't deserve respect".... but only I'm alone in it.  I think my mother  "put" me in this category a long time ago.  Everytime I pulled myself out of it, I was drug down in it again.  When she couldn't get to me anymore..... she used my husband, I recovered less well everytime.  When my daughter was born, WHAM!!  I woke up to the reality this was wrong.  I felt better going NC, but still I felt like I didn't deserve any respect.

I think I'm finally one of "those" people who can have respect without guilt.  If I don't think beyond this I'm okay.  If someone judges me for going NC with my mother I'm not going to entertain any defense.  The NC comes from my mother being impossibly toxic, not my "failure" at this relationship.

I've also figured out I don't have to be responsible for taking the high road in every relationship in my life.  Going NC can be a very uncomfortable experience for family, but I did not do this.  My extended family will have to do thier own soul searching to understand, I can't shield people from my mother anymore. 

I plead neutral, I'm not her keeper, and not the soother of how relatives feel about this.  I'm good enough, smart enough , & gosh darn..... people like me (right out of Sat Night Live).  NC was a very hard decision for me to make, and people who don't get this either don't respect me or know me.... So why would they matter.

Thanks for being a witness board:)))     

[Patrick]

Hi Swimmer,

Right on for you!  A lot of people will not understand why we do NC since they do not wear the glasses that we do (which allow us to see the Ns out there).

As for your last statment about why would they matter - my thoughts exactly. 

I've used a bit of Robin Williams humor to help me with that part.  A number of years ago I heard him remark to someone -
"This is a case of mind over matter, I don't mind cause you don't matter!"  I've found it useful to keep these words in my head and I get a chuckle to.

In closing - a wise man once said:  "Never argue with and idiot - people might not know the difference".

 

[Sealynx]

You go girrrl. I just had a situation at work where I realized that I was courting people's good opinion of me by working myself to death and not leaving enough time for home life!!  Other people don't matter and certainly trying to explain an N to someone is hard even for clinicians. Why should we think we should do it!

Welcome to the board Patrick!

[Logy]

Swimmer,
Your words gave me strength.  Very well said.  

I especially appreciated that you "don't have to take the high road in every relationship".  We don't have to be the one to fix the relationship, we don't have to be the one who always understands, we don't have to allow others to have their fits while we remain calm.  We have the right to be angry, to express what we feel!

I will come back to read this when I need a boost!

[swimmer]

Patrick-

Thx for your kind words.  I've always liked Robin Williams, that statement is brilliant as is the last one you made.  The last one about getting in arguments with idiots is so true... That is what I mean about not taking a defensive stance.  If other people can be mean in a normal day, I can be neutral and mute when people want me to explain something I really can't myself.  

[swimmer]

Yes Logy, we don't have to be the one to repair a given relationship.  Those words give me a boost as well.

Sealynx, I can totally relate to this thing at work giving it my all.  A workplace, depending what type it is, sometimes only puts money in the bank.  In most jobs I've had my eval depends on what kind of year my boss my is having.  So I think, I get paid the same and I did this for what??  Many people despise working along side really hard working people as this challenges what they are not doing.  I'm rambling now;)
thx for your input guys:)

& yes Patrick, welcome!!

[Hopalong]

Glad to witness your growing self-esteem and resolve, Swimmer!

Thank you for the reminder about not always having to fix everyone...

Thank you for sharing your assertiveness, which you fought hard to recognize is your basic right.

Bravo!

Hops

[swimmer]

Thx Hops.... I realize though the fight is never really over.  It's like taking 2steps forward 3 back, 3 forward 2 back.... A net positive change but climbing uphill.  I like climbing uphill though so maybe I was made for this.  I might have hit a "balance" now, so perhaps I'll have a little more fun with it?

Thx again, anyone else have any comments or stories?  I'd like to keep this thread going, it helps me.  I love to hear from you guys, long stories or short comments... Whatever is appreciated. 

[Ales2]

Hi Swimmer - you've made some good observations about your situation and your new attitude. Hang in there - I'm going through the very same thing and might attend a family wedding later this summer (assuming I am in a relationship at that time - I'm not going alone to these events anymore - for a couple of reasons - another post entirely!). How will I deal with her if I am NC? I dont want WW3 ....yet without defending myself ....I want to say to relatives - "its none of your concern, we don't have a relationship, its a personal decision and I need you to respect that".  I dont care what people think, but I do care about when my NM then tells lies or tries to discredit me....her antics have gotten much worse since I've been cutting this toxic tie... and maybe I will have to just cut it once and for all..... it might be easier that way.

Good luck to you - you have support and ((((((((((((swimmer))))))))))))

Alesia

[swimmer]

Alesia-

I totally see what you are saying about WW3 and wanting to avoid that.  It's too bad there has to be a bottom line like that.  That just defines our position in what may look like the 'radical' decision of NC.  I'm always shocked at the reactions my GC bro has to my situation with my mother, it's like we have a different mother (& I know deep inside it's worse for a GC).  It's like the whole relationship bewteen me and my mother is my responsibility....  There are a lot of delusions relatives can try to push onto other family members, I think mostly because of thier own natural toxic tendencies.