Need Feedback on Volatile N Situation

[sunblue]

Hello All:

I hope you don't mind but I need to post today to just deal with a situation I'm facing today.   I have an NM and a severely Nsis.  I have been estranged from the Nsis for a long time, and rarely have to see her.  Today, however that changed.  I was sleeping and I suddenly heard raging and screaming in the house.  I recognized my Nsis's voice....and stayed put for the time being since she tends to be a loud person.  I heard her raging at my dad and mom....and it escalated so I went into the hallway and asked what the problem was.  She started raging at me...threatening, etc.  She was out of control, volatile, making no sense.  NOt sure what the trigger was but she was definitely out of control.  When my parents tried to calm her, she just got worse.  ranting and raving at me, in my face kind of thing.  I stayed calm and wanted to say or do nothing to worsen the situation....but it was clear she was not going to stop.

For my own safely, I decided the best thing was for me to leave since like they have my whole life, I knew my parents would just enable it, not call a doctor or hospital to help her.  This is not the first time she has gone off like this.  When things don't go her way, she is unable to cope or function and goes off.  I feel a bit guilty leaving my parents with her....but I know my Nmom has a calming influence on her (Nsis is the golden child after all).  I think my Nmom will also try to protect my dad as much as she can.  He will stay out of the way.  As I was running to find my car keys to drive the H out of there, my dad said to me, "I don't know what we're going to do with her?.  I said, as I always have said, "Please call the hosptial or police. She is unstable and they can keep her for a psych evaluation."  He won't.  They have absolutely refused to bring in medical help.  My Nsis is apparently terrified of being diagnosed as "insane" or "crazy" which she is ....She was railing at me pretty bad....I looked in her eyes and I could see she was really and truly crazy.

So, for now, I'm staying in a hotel.  I'm going to work on moving..perhaps out of state.  But in the interim, this is where I'm at.

I'm wondering if I did the right thing.  Do you think it was wrong of me to leave?  I do honestly know the only person that can calm her is my Nmom and I really don't think my crazy Nsis will hurt her. 

[Patrick]

Hi Sunblue

The situation at your parents home is certainly untenable and your leaving is the first step in changing the status quo there.  As I don't know all the particulars such as how old Nsis is and how long dad and Nmom have been together or even why Nsis still lives at home it is hard to give an in depth answer.  Have you been compelled to stay there out of concern for dad? 

Remember, as painful as this may be, we can't save everyone in the world, often even those close to us like your parents or siblings.   I'm not sure if you can find some type of social service that can intervene but I believe the disfunction is to deeply entrenched in the three people that they will live out their lives in this lunacy.

You are doing the right thing and it's time to let go and move on.

From my own learning experiences I have come to realize that if the world were perfect there would be no need for heaven.

Take care
Patrick

[Sealynx]

Sunblue,
Over my years of teaching inner city kids whose families had few remedies for KEEPING seriously mental people locked up or on the right meds I have heard many stories like this. However in those stories the cops did not respond to the low income neighborhoods. One of those stories ended tragically when the person was given a gun to protect herself by someone who didn't understand that her fears were not real. You did exactly the right thing and Patrick is right, it doesn't sound like you are going to change this interaction. I would also ask yourself the question of whether this person might have used a weapon in a moment of rage if she would have had one. It worries me that you had no idea what the rage was about. That tells me...it may have been in her head....you don't know what else is there!!

[Gaining Strength]

Sunblue - without a doubt, based on what you have written, you did the right thing. 
You left to protect yourself and your leaving took one of her objects of raging away.
You gave your father clear and reasonable advice about how to handle the situation.

You did the right thing.
They most likely won't acknowledge it but when you start to second guess yourself cut it off and remind yourself clearly that you did the right thing.

[sKePTiKal]

Sun: you are allowed to protect yourself! Even if she wasn't violent (you didn't say), the emotional fallout is nuclear-toxic to everyone within earshot. And she sounds as if she's a bit worse than N... and your advice was absolutely correct about getting her help.

[sunblue]

Thank you all for your kind responses.  It has been such an emotionally gut-wrenching and frightening weekend.  My Nsis is really a sick person.  I have no doubt in my mind that she would hurt someone in one of her out-of-control states.  She has no coping mechanisms at all.  I really don't know what her issues are but my belief is they are more than just clinical, albeit serious Narcisissism.  When she is one of these out-of-control states, she is really frightening.  Because she is the Golden Child, my Nmom seems to be the one who can calm her...although this weekend there has been no calming.  The two Ns are forever linked and I think my Nmom both is dependent on her (for her supply and other things) and frightened of her.  Interesting...while my Nmom has never been able to be a mom to me or my brother and has never been capable of taking an interest in us...when my Nsis falls apart, she turns into "mom" mode...trying to calm her, talk to her, etc.

It's of no use.  The dysfunction and sickness of my Nsis and Nmom are so deep, so entrenched, that there is no changing or helping it.  They refuse to do the right thing and seek medical help.  They allow my Nsis to control all those decisions and she is terrfied that some doc will diagnose her as "crazy". 
I think one of the things I realized is that I was the one perhaps most affected by all the dysfunction because I understand it best.  I sought to understand it while no one in my family will acknowledge it, let alone to seek to understand it.  But I also know this.  As sorry as I am that the sickness of my mom and sis are now affecting them all and that none of them will do anything to change it, I just want no part of it.  I wrestled with this all of my life.  My Nsis did not just start acting out-of-control overnight.  She behaved like this toward me since I was a young child...even to the extent I had to stay in closets to do my homework when I was young because I was afraid of her wrath. 
Right now, I'm just trying to stay out of their way....to keep functioning as best as I can...to stay safe...and to think about how I start figuring out how to move away from this, physically and mentally.  Moving out of state is a scary proposition for me....but maybe the best.  I have no idea where I'd even go or how.  If I wasn't alone, it wouldn't be quite so hard.  Oh well...it is what it is I guess.  thank you again for listening.  Reading your posts last night and this morning was really comforting.

[Patrick]

Hi Sunblue

Letting go and moving on is always hard.  Recently, I watched the most eloquent and heart wrenching example of this in a movie which you may have heard of - "The Lovely "Bones".  It is about a family's attempt to deal with a devastating tragedy and their daughter who sadly and reluctantly comes to learn to let go of them in such an absolute way. 

Treat yourself tonight and escape for a few hours in front of the TV - alone or with friends.  No family allowed.  You will likely need tissues.

Take care,
Patrick

[Sealynx]

Sun,
Also check out www.meetup.com . It is a website that allows people to start groups for any interest you can imagine. There may be some fun groups in your area that will allow you to get away from the house on week nights and be around sanity, if there aren't...start one... You can meet up at a coffee shop or get a gang together to see a movie. New blood is often good blood.
Sea

[seastorm]

Dear Sunblue,

It is very hard to give advice about your situation. I feel that I dont have enough information. One thing I do know is that living with an N mom is very crazymaking whether one is the golden child or the scapegoat. I feel sorry for both children because being a golden child is just as horrible as being the scapegoat. Mom probably made sure that you did not know each other enough to ally against her in any way that would have been beneficial to each sister.

As for being in a house where someone is having a raging tantrum....... That takes certain skills and even then...... Best to leave because one cannot engage with anyone when they are angry. As anger escalates, the adrenalin gets going and it is impossible to talk to anyone whose brain is flooded with adrenalin.

There is a wonderfully helpful site called Out of the Fog that explains a lot about behaviour disorders and how to deal with them. It has helped me to cope with my sisters anger. Basically, it says dont engage when they are angry. Get out of the house. Later, if you can, you can then talk about what was happening. But this is after  the smoke settles.

Seastorm
 

[Hopalong]

Sun,
I'm sorry it's come to a head but hope very much that this is the beginning
of your claiming your right to oxygen, to a life focused on something positive
and healing and just...

Your right to serenity.

It sounds as though there may be an arduous transition but I have huge
hopes that you will do it.

The other side, a different future, is there for you. You won't know the
detailed particulars, and may have to take steps in faith...but that's your
right.

To have faith that you can create and claim a better life.

love,
Hops

[swimmer]

Sunblue-

I too think you did the right thing.  Sometimes it takes a crisis like this to change things.  Remember the change is with you moving on, not with your Nsis and codependant parents.  If your mom is N, she will never probably insist on your sis getting mental help.  Offspring are merely an extention to an N in an N's eyes.... This will make her look bad.

Good news, you get to start anew, difficult to leave people behind who clearly need help they won't accept.

It's hard, hang in there.  You deserve peace!

[sunblue]

I want to thank everyone again for their kind comments and support.  In retrospect, I think I did do the right thing.  My Nsis was volatile and out of control and capable of anything.

Sad to say, almost a week later, the family dynamics are back to "normal" although that word can never accurately be applied in my family.  But the trigger can happen again at any moment...it's like you're on pins and needles just waiting for the crazy to happen again.

I've accepted I think finally that it will never change...and that even last weekend, my dysfunctional parents just stood by and let her rail at me.  Once again, I was reminded that I was of no consequence.

I am surrounded by Ns it seems...but I will try to move forward....try to make a decision of where to go.

It is sometimes amazing to realize just how sick and dysfunctional a family can be.  Can't help but wonder why some people in this life seem to be the "chosen" ones...those who are raised in a loving and healthy family and can go on and do good things....and those who are not.  Guess it's just fate.
  At any rate, thanks for getting me through a tough time.

[Hopalong]

those who are raised in a loving and healthy family and can go on and do good things....and those who are not

...but who, like Sunblue, decide after some struggling and stuckness, decide to go on and do good things, create happiness anyway...

love,
Hops