wish me luck ....hoping to go NC soon...

[Ales2]

Thanks swimmer - I shortened yorur little saying and posted it on my Vision Board. It now reads - Survived NM- ANYTHING is possible!  Thanks so much for that!  I think its the overcomers mantra - feeling they've survived the most difficult situations they draw on that strength knowing they will prevail.   

[Ales2]

The latest is that I did not get the job. Sad, really wanted it. Another one will not come along until this time next year, but without any additional experience, I won't be able to apply for it.

I also got a call from my T this week. Its been a month since I walked out and canceled my last appointment. He expressed his concern for and suggested I call him about coming in. When I left, I told him I felt I was not making any progress and had given up working on myself.  I don't want to go back to therapy but there is also this nagging negative feeling I get and I'm really not sure what it is.

Is it because I still have things to work through? I still have so much pessimism he is not aware of. I'm avoiding something but don't know what it is. Or, is this feeling just my way of avoiding the work to move on? I just don't know what it is.  I can never trust my own feelings.

 

[Ales2]

This morning I wake up with a clearer idea of the problem. I think there is still alot of the wounded child I have to work through - I can tell because when I get depressed now, my productivity goes right out the window and I cant get anything done because I feel everything I do is futile. I have been depressed before, but could at least keep working. It takes more positivity and energy to look for a job and a boyfriend than just to be participating.
When I go to T its all about the wounded child crap that still haunts me.  Not sure I can keep dealing with it, but probably have to to move on.

thanks for reading.

[Ales2]

So, I called my T today. He called on Monday and wanted me to come back to T, but I don't want to.

I called and left a message something like "I got your message, thanks for your concern. I have not called back because I dont know what to say. I'm just looking for a job right now. Thanks again for your concern." Then I hung up.   I feel stupid of course. Part of me wanted to say I feel hopeless and therapy feels pointless. But I really only wanted to return his call without giving much information.

Anyway, he's really the only person who knows how I am feeling these days and that I can be honest with, so in that sense its a loss for sure, but I was not making any progress with him so I have to focus my energies on other things.

thanks for reading.

[Ales2]

Things are shifting. My Nm is now not returning my calls at all. ( I called once on the anniversary of my Dad's passing 6/26/00 and once requesting we talk at end of month re: inheritance crap). A good thing actually. What is happening is that as I am respecting myself and focusing solely on my needs, she is feeling abandoned and is avoiding me as punishment. Until the financial issue is cleared up soon I am LC, I've never declared NC. However if this continues, NC might end up being a mutual decision or a response to my newfound independence. I'm thinking that this might be easier for me - so we will see.

[swimmer]

LC or NC, sounds like you are in a process which is moving forward for you and that is most important.

NC happened to me by default, I just burned out on giving her attention.   

[Meh]

Good Luck!

[bearwithme]

Ales: you sound a little better.  I'm sorry you did not get the job.  It's tough out there.  I know this and it's not easy for a lot of people.  I started job hunting in early January of this year.  I applied to so many jobs and was feeling like crap.  I even gave my resume to places that I thought would hire me for sure.  Not.  They never even called me.  One job poster called me and after talking on the phone they said they would call me back and they never did.  I was so dissappointed.  I did call them but got the run around--I got the message.  I did get a job but not until late May when I was burnt out of looking. 

There is a reason for everything and I know thought sounds cliche'  but I believe in it at times when you aren't getting what you want and fate takes control.

As for you going NC, good idea at some point.  LC is good too but NC...better.  (ha! I need to take my own advice!)

JustKathy wrote:

I want SO badly to send the crap back with a note saying, "Well, since it looks like you aren't dying after all, you might want this stuff."

Oh pleeeeze do this!! I laughed so hard when I read this, it's just so great.  I know doing this will actually be worse for you in the long run but wouldn't it be great just to do it for the record??

I'm starting to do things "just for the record" and I think that's why I kicked my NM's arse out on the lawn.

Cheers to you Ales2.

Bear

[Ales2]

The latest is that I just checked one of my accounts, so she (or her accountant - dont know which) now deposits money without any prompting (a phone call) from me. So, I dont even have to call to ask anymore.   Whew! This is a surprise and a drastic improvement. (Basically, I think she got the message that those false accusations mean I will no longer speak to her. I took her Nsupply from her, I guess).  I am concerned about a potential backlash. This might be the calm before the storm. I hope this is it or close, I am not sure how I would be able to cope with any kind of storm.