Vacations -- Yeah / Boo!

[Baddaughter]

feeling crazy again

the time since mom died has had its ups and downs.  I haven't been able to face "my story" or any of that...  not even enough to go take it out and throw it away.

Anyway this summer a couple things going on... want your feedback on this scenario.

Last summer my sister graciously had me and my husband accompany them on vacation.  They had a beach rental for a week at a lovely posh location (would have been 3 months take home for me) and there was plenty of space, many many amenities --  We all had a grand time.  We availed ourselves to being as helpful as possible with childen, laundry and cooking and provided groceries etc.  Grand! And the kids had a good time too.  I think.  Not the family hostage situation of my youth by any means.  And I was so touched and so grateful that they treated us so -- seemed genuinely pleased we were all together.
Afterwards, last fall, we planned this year's vacation.  We were going to share a two bedroom in a different location.  Kids would do couch fold out.  We planned leave and cash and I began stashing the supplies etc.  Four weeks prior, we were told that sister's husband had asked his mother to come.  As she needed her own room, this relegated us to the fold out for 7 days and chldren to an air mattress in her room.  We offered to get lodgings nearby or bow out as needed.  But nothing would do but for us to go along...

Does this mean anything?  Was there a message in this abrupt change of plans? 

We stayed for two nights -- had to wait in line to bathe, or restroom.  The restroom we could visit easily had no lock.  Laundry was going to be out of the question as the machine broke the first night.  (Happily we had never touched it yet.)  We were not paying guests on either trip but provided for our own admissions etc and brought food for all on both trips and supplies of all sorts -- to help out and to make packing a little easier for them since they had to pack for the kids.  Last year, I did not feel like a "crumbsnatcher" but this year I did.  I'm trying not to be devastated.

Love, Biddy

[Logy]

Sounds to me like sister's husband's mom might be the problem, not sister and husband.  My guess is that sis and hubby really wanted you there, enjoyed your company.  But with Mom in the picture, expecting to be treated royally, they may not have had any choice.  And could Mom have given hubby a guilt trip?  So he felt like he HAD to invite her?  Maybe there are alot of dynamics going on that you are taking personally?  I'm sorry, I don't know the situation and all the facts.  Just my first take on it.

[Baddaughter]

Thanks, Logy --
 BIL didn't vocalize any of it -- and I would have understood not denying an old lady a chance at a good time -- and gracefully bowed out --  but it was baffling to try to understand how we were supposed to "still make it work" when the entire dynamic had changed.  It was some extreme denial that anything had changed and from our perspective for relaxation etc., everything had changed.   I felt a little like we were sort of obligated to help with our part of the bargain -- some transportation, packing and supplies, companionship but there was no discussion other than a "by the way so and so is coming" -- it was just whack. 

Do you spose there is anyway he could be so oblivious that he does not know what he did? - this is a proud guy.  I can't imagine him not taking some sort of "hint" if the situation were reversed.  I was surprised at the way sis took it -- I would have incinerated the guy for doing that at very close to the last minute -- and she didn't say much -- not that I want them to have troubles -- but was he trying to make her crazy?  Or he is a narcissist and she is the complaisant one and he is just filling the niche that mummy dearest just vacated?   Only he could answer and I'm sure it would be the height of cheek to pursue, but that is the stuff I'm pondering lately.  It may be as simple that he is a little threatened by how much time we spend together since Mom went off her rocker and then died.

Anyway, thanks for thinking about it -- I thought I was nuts and there are about a dozen other things that happened this summer that were a little hard to swallow -- (this is just the part of the tattered remnants of the family that actually will speak to me.)  but just "talking" with you helps me to see how little it all matters anyway, huhn?

Hope you're having a good summer -- and I shouldn't complain -- we've been keeping really busy -- growing stuff and going on nice daytrips  --  the end of the family as I know it is just taking a toll...

My experience has been that sometimes great pain precedes great healing.

Love, Biddy