Hi Everybody

[Twoapenny]

Hi all

Hope everyone is doing okay.  I've missed you guys!  And am looking forward to getting to know some new names that have joined up over the summer - Hi to anyone that doesn't know me, I'm Twoapenny and I decided to take a break from the boards at the start of the summer and do some work on myself.

Well, the summer has been productive.  I spent a lot of time avoiding the company of adults.  This was very deliberate.  My whole life has been built around satisfying other people and giving them what they need, so I wanted to figure out who I am and what I want.  I had regular weekly sessions with my T, and some weeks she was the only adult I spoke to all week.  She has been a really big help; I feel like she has been helping to give me (or at least the child in me) some of the stuff my parents didn't.  She's been helping me set boundaries, constantly reiterating that it's okay to have emotions (yep, you all know that was never allowed!) and constantly getting me to focus on what I want, how I feel and who I am.  I have to say that at first I found it incredibly hard and I have had to really work at it, but it is starting to feel a little more natural now and I must admit that I like it!

I am finding it easier to say no and finding that I feel less and less like I have to have a 'valid' excuse for doing so.  I am finding it easier to express my opinions without worrying so much about whether I might offend the other person.  I am starting to see that not everyone is threatened by someone who has a different outlook to them, so I don't need to treat everybody with the same level of worship and adoration that I had to show to my parents.  I am starting to get a sense of who I am and I am also starting to experience real feelings in real time, rather than constantly feeling like I'm in a bubble, or getting a very intense reaction to something days, weeks or months after it happened.  I'm finding it easier to be aware of how I feel and to notice a strong reaction to something, because I think it usually means there's a trigger there that I will want to work on.  I'm feeling like I can really trust my T, and in all honesty I don't think I've ever felt I can really trust anybody my whole life.

I've done a lot of grieving.  I've cried and cried and cried, but I've tried really hard just to let it out and not to hinder it or stop it from happening.  I figured you don't cry if there's nothing to cry about, so it's better just to let it flow than to keep trying to hide it inside.  I turned 37 in August and I spent the day in bed crying.  I cried for all the years I've felt so lonely, all the years I've felt like a freak and a failure, all the years I've been convinced I'm stupid and fat and lazy and like I don't deserve anything in my life.  Normally I would never have done that; a birthday is a time to show everybody else how happy you are and have a good day.  But I though "a***holes to everyone else, I'm not happy and I'm going to stay in bed and be miserable".  I know it sounds silly but it was something I knew people wouldn't approve of and I needed to do it to show myself that I don't need other people to think I'm great all the time.

So that's a little bit about what I've been up to over the summer.  It's a work in progress, but I feel like I've made good progress.  For the first time in a long time I don't have a constant nagging desire to just end it all and I'm actually feeling hopeful for the future.   I'm starting to feel more content and more satisfied in myself and less concerned about the way in which other people see me.  I think it's the start of a better life.  I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone and sharing everyone's news!  Thanks for still being here!!

Lots of love,

Twoapenny xxxxx

[sKePTiKal]

A big, welcome back hug and smiles to ya, Tups! I'm happy to hear all your good news!

[lighter]

::Waving madly::

Hi Twoapenny!

You've been missed, and I can't tell you how nice it was to read your update.

I wish I'd have been so on track and poised about my messy boundary issues at 37.

Thanks for sharing your amazing journey.

I'm so on board with everything you're doing to find and/or erect healthy borders around yourself.

Lighter/Mo2

[Twoapenny]

Hi Phoenix,

Thank you so much!  A big hug back to you!  Hope things have been kind of okay?  Looking forward to catching up with everybody

Hi Mo2,

Thank you to you, too!  Boundaries are a funny thing, aren't they?  I never had any before!  My T's been great.  The more we talked, she was able to show me that I do have boundaries where my boy's concerned (in terms of how other people treat him) and they're pretty high ones - there's no way anyone's going to make him feel the way I always felt.  So little bit by little bit my T has shown me how to apply those boudaries to myself and to stop being such a doormat!  She suggested really simple things like saying "I'll have to let you know" when someone asks me if I can do something, so that I can give myself time to think about whether I want to do it or not.  It's still not easy, or second nature, but it's coming and I can really see the difference.  So I'm looking forward to doing more!

Thanks for your welcomes, guys!  Looking forward to catching up

xxxxx

[sKePTiKal]

Tups, yes things have been fine for moi... the work that we're all involved in, continues of course! 

Boundaries... I learned a lot of practical things about these, hosting a continuous stream of family/friends from May... till next weekend when our "last" group returns for MIL's birthday and a family reunion. About how "much" is really necessary "to-do" for all those people; letting other people help and plan; letting go my expectations about "how things will be" (this might be the biggest issue of all for me, in hostessing... I enjoy the organizing, cleaning & planning and let myself daydream about how fun or lovely it will be - and in reality, it's NEVER the way I dream it!! When I let that go & relax... it's way better.) I've also learned that it's not the chaos of individuals speaking, needing, or wanting that makes me dread "company" - they don't "intrude" on my emotional calm place at all; it's simply that I'm afraid they will and so, in anticipation of that I set the success bar of anticipating their every want or need so high... that being out of ketchup can seem like a social scandal!!! (duh)

I've learned that when I have a house full of people that I really do have to guard my "private - me - time" and take advantage of the breaks that occur when everyone leaves for an excursion. I've learned I've got to be explicit when I ask hubby to help; I've GOT to give him a deadline or express my expectation of when I want something done and then leave him alone and "release the outcome"... no matter "how" he does it.

And I think I've finally learned that I need some boundaries with myself & myself, too. Boundaries aren't static fences, posts sunk in concrete, either - these are very fluid and change all the time. And that's pretty interesting... sort of a random chaotics study... to watch things that have been "closed" open up... and to try to identify what the "open sesame" is...

lots of work in 3-D, in other words. What are you up to now? Discovering?

[JustKathy]

Welcome back Twoapenny! 

[lighter]

Top and Amber:

I'll begin examining my boundaries when I get a breath.

I enjoyed reading both you posts on the subject.

Thanks,
Lighter/Mo2

[Twoapenny]

Hi Kathy, thanks!  It's good to see you

Phoenix, what you mention is the kind of stuff I mean.  I've slowly realised a number of things over the last few months, and I think the biggest one is the realisation that not everyone in the world is like my mum and step-dad - so not everyone has the same unrealistic expectations of me, and I shouldn't have them either.

I'll give you an example.  Last Christmas, I was having some friends over for drinks and nibbles.  My son was out for the day - very rare for me to have a day free - and I spent the day cleaning the house and making snacks and two different punches, one with alcohol, one without.  I set the table with Christmas party bits, lit lots of candles and generally made the place look nice and welcoming.  My friends arrived - only five of them - and immediately started switching on lights and asking why it was so dark.  They proceeded to get very drunk very quickly, demolished the food whilst at the same time complaining about some of it and generally made a mess around the house.  Despite having spent the whole day cleaning, I spent most of the next day cleaning as well because they made such a mess.  Do you know how I felt after they left?  Guilty that I hadn't given them a good night and like a kill joy because I hadn't enjoyed myself and got drunk with them.

So that was about nine months ago now.  Last month, some friends came round for a quiet drink.  It got noisy very quickly and I felt they were abusing my hospitality.  I very quietly and calmly told them I didn't like what they were doing and asked them to leave.  They apologised and left.

It's very difficult.  I've been a dogsbody my whole life.  I've never stood up to anyone, never complained, never made a fuss.  If I found something difficult I felt it was because I was doing something wrong, not because they were doing something that I was uncomfortable with.  I think it stems from just not being allowed to be anything other than deleriously happy around my family.  But that is what I've been working on - deciding what I want, what I'm happy with and finding my voice!!  It's till quite a quiet one, but it's there and it's getting louder

Mo2 - I am finding it difficult.  I didn't know boundaries existed before!  I was just always there to give people what they wanted, regardless of the impact it had on me.  But I am putting them in place now and trying to use them.  Practise makes perfect and all that! 

[sKePTiKal]

Guilty that I hadn't given them a good night and like a kill joy because I hadn't enjoyed myself and got drunk with them.

Yep; I know just how you felt! I have a situation with my SIL and her kids that is like a total minefield of boundaries with hidden bombs just about everywhere you step. Her mom lives with us - albeit in a separate apartment which is contained within the physical boundaries of our total space. Mom is ill and easily tired; 83 on Sat.

SIL has 4 boys who've been the center of mom & dad's attention and they've not learned consideration for others. Other people's "rules" are seen as a judgement on themselves... instead of as intended to preserve the peace and property or simple etiquette and courtesy. Sort of the "self-esteem" movement personified - and overdone. They aren't bad boys, at all. But they are conditioned to believe that their needs come first, before anyone else's - and trust me, not 10 minutes will go by before one of them "needs" attention. The youngest (5) and oldest (14) are actually the most self-sufficient but will get pulled into the group dynamic, also. It is impossible for the parents to have an adult conversation for more than 3 -5 minutes.

And none of us - including MIL - can say a thing about it without SIL feeling that her parenting is being criticized or that we're saying the boys are "bad". SIGH. But it's our house... and we are caring for MIL and know her limits... but she's her mother (that she's finally realizing that she will lose soon) and I'm sensitive to that... and on the last visit, hubby "got in trouble" with SIL by enforcing a safety rule that he announced and that was promptly broken; completely disregarded. After they left, I found that my freezer had been left open overnight - so that defrosting of contents was well under way. An accident, surely - and parents can't always be everywhere, all the time - but it is my house, isn't it? Why can't I set boundaries and enforce basic rules, without being seen as some kill-joy witch????

Maybe I can't. In this case, I guess the "cost" of my boundary is being not liked (or understood). Sometimes, there are more important things than being liked. Hmmmmm.

[Hopalong]

Tupp, you sound just amazing.
What enormous chandeliers of learning...
bravo, bravo for boundaries and you starting to LIKE them!

Thank you for this update.

PR--it's a village and every adult has the right to calmly address a child directly to say,
No, we don't do that here. So I need you to, etc.

You can always assert yourself with a rude child, imo.

If the parents are being children, they can watch.
Flak doesn't hit you if you have your assertive calm teflon on.

I understand why it's delicate though, with family. But root for you to do it anyway.

xo
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hi Hops (((((((((()))))))))))))))

I'm glad that tiny things are starting to resolve themselves in your situation.  I don't know what the beginning of it all was but I've picked up bits and pieces from different threads and I'm glad that some things are moving in a better way.  I feel a bit like the same thing is happening for me now - I just don't feel quite so helpless and buffeted along by things I have no control over.  I'm actually stopping to think about what I want now, instead of immediately agreeing with whoever I am talking to.  It's very empowering!  Thank you for your lovely post

Hi PR,

yes, I know what you mean!  I am starting to understand that some people don't like me setting boundaries, whilst some expect it (and probably feel uncomfortable around people that don't have them!).  I generally feel you should always live by the rules of the person whose house you are staying in - that's just good manners.  We sometimes find it difficult to stay with friends because my son's autistic (and therefore very rigid about certain things) - but in those situations we sort out our own accommodation rather than expecting them to change their rules (which are perfectly appropriate).  Sounds as if your SIL is perhaps very insecure about her parenting and can only accept positive praise - anything else is seen as a criticism?  I have been like this myself in the past.  It's something else I've worked on with my T - she's been saying over and over that, if you feel confident about your situation - whether it's work, children, marriage etc - then other people's comments, whether intentionally critical or not, don't have such an impact.  I've found that's been helping me a lot lately.  It's very difficult though - dealing with other people's insecurities and a need for constant reassurance is tiring!  Have you got a more peaceful time coming up now? xx

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((TwoaPenny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones