these words ~ your instant reactions

[river]

       My mind was telling me I was "supposed" to be open to that kind of connection and I could even see that I wanted/needed it pretty desperately... but my emotional mind was flashing "danger" - "danger" red lights and warning sirens... and gathering up my adrenalin to run as fast and as far in the other direction as possible. I've gone to some pretty amazing lengths to avoid positive connections in my life, when I couldn't reason my emotional mind into at least giving this new relationship a chance before I fled or defended myself with one of my collection of techniques for "being not there".
         

Yes, theres lots of similar with what you said.  EXCEPT the above.  What has been wierd for me is that to the degree that you wanted to run, I was attracted towards those relationships.  In an addictive surreal hyper-real compulsive way.   So, Id have the 'run for it' signals of danger going at the same time as the being drawn towards it signals, as you can imagine, a state of mind so intense that it can kill you.   I had this imagery of the gazelle going up to the lion looking for love but KNOWING at the same time what would happen.  : (   ~~~
Its like an addictin to a betrayal bond.  thats the best I can explain.  Not many people know about this, its kind of repetatition compulsion. 

[sKePTiKal]

I've got a lot more to say on this topic, so I hope I have time soon to start that thread...

but, yes River - to a lesser degree, I know just what you're talking about - I called it a "negative attachment"... like you say, being addicted to that thing, which part of you knows is going to hurt you.

Guest said it - our experience taught us that love = hurt.... and oh so many more negative things. I've been on a mission or quest, to figure out how to edit my reflexes that are based on this experience... without going too far to the other extreme... trying to find my personal "goldilocks" balance of being open, without being a doormat... being assertive, and expressing myself without being a total jerk. It's still a work in progress but I think I'm close to being able to describe what's been happening and how (sort of!) Point being - yeah... you can work on this and change it, if you want to enough. (And yeah, that "goldilocks" balance is going to be different for everyone - and maybe even for me, at different times.)

[river]

Thanks Guest and Phoenix,- keep me posted on this one, would like to hear. 
Well, thank God, I feel Im on the way out of this one too. 

Phoenix, the trouble with 'wanting it enough... ' is this issue of the will.  In my case it was literally 'the will turned against me, that is my own will turned against me', I could feel it, there was something inside me, I came to call it  an internal sabotuer, that literally pulled me towards self-destruct.  i had to fight it, but how can you fight your own will?   theres nothing inside to fight with! , ... ...  So, I guess the thing about 'wanting it enough'  is paradoxical,   ~ Its not so easy to explain, but talking here is helping me to articulate, I think...
thats where the recovering addict paradigm was the right thing for me, I had to turn to #God, and to others recovering, something different to reboot from.  Howver, at that time I still didnt have a full understanding.
Guest, I have heard that one about 'familiar' a lot, and for some it probalby fits. To me, its about something deeper than familiar.   It feels like coming home, true, but its more like trying to get a psychic splinter out.  But yeah, .
...this also....

balance of being open, without being a doormat...     

   me too, learning to live from a different basis...  However, I needed resolution first before I could live in a better way.   Its a long story, kind of hard to get the full meaning into unerstandable shape, ...

[Hopalong]

Hey River.

I didn't read through all the dialogue here, a bit frazzled...

But I just thought:

You are looking for unconditional love.

That's the bruised space in you. So it's terrifying.

I just go back to--practice on yourself. Your little inner River.

Conjure her up...feel her small arms come around your neck when you bend over and tell her, face to face, with your deepest gentleness and calm, "I am so sorry you were hurt. But I am here with you now. And I will never leave you. You are good, through and through. I love you."

I think this exercise fixes fear.

When you do this for your little inner girl...more than once, you become your OWN conduit for that kind of love.

Then, any love you get elsewhere, including from a T -- is extra. Not what you need to survive, but grace.

Love (yup),

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

OK, river....

I think I'll go start my thread and you (and everyone else) is welcome to chime in; add your thoughts, suggestions and experiences - and what works for you. I'd put it all here, but the only way I can deal with it at all, is from a "me-me-me" place... tho' I fully expect I'm gonna jump around a lot from an analytical, rational point of view to the raw emotional dreck, and all places in between.

I started working on this, just the way Hops' described in her post. Years ago. And something significant has recently shifted, realigned, or perhaps from the neuropsych perspective: integrated. It's still wobbly and fuzzy though; not solid yet. Maybe with enough of us talking about it, we'll all benefit.

Yet, it's still scary for me to make myself - on purpose - this vulnerable. But I think that's also part of the process... sort of a desensitization... through "doing", finding out that there wasn't anything to be afraid of (except old memories of other circumstances) and that the real experience is something quite different.

I do "know" what you're talking about river, about having an opposing will in yourself. It's been awhile since I actually worked through something on the board (been on a long "rest" break and letting my brain do some higher-level learning & processing) with everyone's help. But in the last few months, this very topic has been bubbling up and there's a strong motivation or wish that's moving me to "finish" and finally deal with this topic.