My brother the family cynic.....bitter

[Overcomer]

All our lives, my brother and I have settled for last place in our nmoms life.  She was successful in business and was busy fanning her fame at work and at church.

Her sister (our aunt) has somehow worked for or around my mom for 40 years.  She is right there to get the good jobs whether qualified or not.  She doesn't hesitate to go to my mom for money.  Problem is, she kisses my mom's ass.

Meanwhile my brother calls her out on it.  He tells my mom, "Can't you see what she is doing?  She is positioning herself to get everything she can."  My mom cannot stand this jealousy my brother has.

Brother calls all the family and bad mouths this aunt.  Of course, the aunt cries to my mom "why is he doing this to us?"

Although what he says is true I am over it.  I cannot live my life constantly talk trash about my aunt and her family.  Yes, they are helpless without my mom baling them out etc.

I think my bros biggest angst is that she has never stuck up for us.  We were always a disappointment in her eyes.  The more he demands her attention and points out aunts flawed, the further she pulls from him.  It is a catch 22 because he doesn't want to have to protect his mom from the vultures.....he just wants his mom to choose us just once!!

Does anyone live with an N who will be on anyone's side except you?  I mean, if I had to choose I would choose my kids over anyone.......not us.

I know my dad (RIP almost a year) would side with us.......but now our ally is gone.....the only person he would never choose us over was my mom. 

[mudpuppy]

Although what he says is true I am over it. 

Good for you Kelly.
Do you think your brother's cynicism and criticism of your aunt is just another way of allowing your mother to control his life, and if so do you think he realizes it?

mud

[Overcomer]

can you elaborate on what you mean by she is controlling him by all this??  interesting theory

[mudpuppy]

Well, when someone becomes cynical in response to abuse the other person is controlling his personality. When he complains to your mom about her sister she is indirectly controlling his behavior by enabling her sister and playing favorites with her. I would be highly doubtful she does not at some level recognize the manipulation this is and the power it gives her. Even if she doesn't recognize it and only does it inadvertantly, he is still allowing her misbehviors to derail his life and his enjoyment of it.

The more he demands her attention and points out aunts flawed, the further she pulls from him.  It is a catch 22 because he doesn't want to have to protect his mom from the vultures.....he just wants his mom to choose us just once!!

When you want and seek something from an N, even something you deserve like parental love, you have given them every particle of power in the relationship and they always know precisely what to do with that power; manipulate.

mud

[Gaining Strength]

Hello, Kelly.
I hope you are doing well.

I am so glad that you had your father to be there for you.  Hang on to how that felt.
I am sorry that your  brother is still caught in the web that your mother spun.  It is a no win situation.  But it is also very, very difficult to free oneself of.  Even NC does not mean that we are psychologically free. 

It takes work and first it takes a desire to let it go.  No easy solutions and none quick either.

[Overcomer]

I forwarded this exchange to my brother......he has never known about this board and I wonder what he will get out of it.  He texted me and said something about being sad he was not there more for our dad..........i suggested we talk about it......

[Hopalong]

Kelly, how are you feeling?

What gives you most peace?

love,
Hops

[Baddaughter]

dear ones, thank you for these posts... I identify closely with the brother and it was just what I needed to ponder today.  I'm sorry I don't have more to add -- and it is the first time I could really begin to see the point of view of the role of the sister -- being totally aware of the injustice of a situation or series of situations and choosing to stay uninvolved -- I wish I had thought of and done that -- decades ago...  he is beating himself against the rock of her illness.  I've always played his role until now I have no role -- I grieve for him. love biddy

[Hopalong]

Hi Biddy,

Your capacity to grieve for him, imo, is the secret to finding compassion for yourself, and grabbing life by its tail, moving forward, living it in all its dark and light, anyway...

Beautiful defiance, that eventually become peace.

Hops