Deconstructing Self-Abuse Patterns

[sKePTiKal]

LOL Lighter!!

The past couple of years have been back to back & overlapping changes so fast & furious, that I coined a phrase based on this image of surfing...

I'm learning to surf life. A little late, but who cares?

I don't know where I am in the process; it doesn't matter. I know I have to give time to myself - to cry and be sad; to be efficient and plan ahead for next steps; to just be; to appreciate the gorgeous weather here even this time of year; to write & pull my thoughts together into something coherent; something with meaning; to be with and do what hubby wants to do; to pick up the pieces of things I was working on when I dropped everything & called 911...

I am just fine. Hubby's doing pretty good too. We had 8 months of MIL's tutoring about going through this. We're adjusting at a comfortable pace, in our own ways. Together. And we'll keep everyone else grounded going forward, too.

[CB123]

Oh, PR,

Thinking of you today.  Amongst all the many details, many emotions, memories...you must feel almost surreal. 

I am deeply touched by how articulate you are in all this...what you are sharing is of such help to me.  The clarity is wonderful.  I was so unclear when my mother died...never really processed everything, mostly it was just over and there was some relief because she was very difficult. 

But there was never the immediate answers that you seem to be accessing.  I am so, so grateful that you are having this healing time.

CB

[Gaining Strength]

D is doing something I call - sticking pins in your eye. It's a way to desensitize oneself emotionally, by deliberately invoking pain - OH GEE; just realized that's exactly the motivation behind all the various forms of self-abuse. I'll have to come back to that.

{ineffible reation to concept that leaps out to me}

So, I guess whether it's eating unconsciously, smoking, cutting, or deliberately invoking grief and sadness... all of these things are ways to get a strong emotion outside of oneself - to "not feel" it. For whatever reason. In my case, feeling the grief of all my losses to self, was intensely overpowering and affected my ability to function. At least, if I took them all at one time! Worse - while I knew I needed to do this - I was specifically punished for it; and the message was: your feelings are hurting me - so stop it. So I learned to hide my feelings; withdraw completely from everyone to "feel" - and to actively protect other people from my feelings. In other words, to be ashamed and humiliated of being an emotional soul. And then I never learned how to express emotions "appropriately"... whatever the fashions, traditions, etc of the day were.

As I read this, trying to process deep understanding of human struggle, I am sitting outside of a bagel shop where there are crowds of tween and teen girls sitting talking/screaming and bands of tween and teen boys roving. I have actually asked them to stop screaming, reminding them that they are not the only ones sitting here.  But I am transported back to that age which for me was not one of exclusion but none-the-less an age that when bands of girls whom I did not know or did not care to be a part of behaved in a similar manner I found it disgusting and appalling.  As I read this extraordinary stuff about how we deal with pain subsconsciously, unconsciously when the pain is simply too much and blended from so many sources.  The arrogance, the lack of consideration, the solipcistic, self-important sense of oneself as an included, struggling teen actually never, ever seems to leave most and travels along into adulthood emerging is similarly sinister behaviors.

So longing to come back to this, hoping life in its twists and turns will allow it.  Thank you so much PR for doing this right here in a way that I and others might pick up threads and unravel them in our own lives.  It evokes strong feelings of belonging and thanksgiving.

[sKePTiKal]

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean GS!!

I'll be coming back to this time & again for a bit, as I work through it too. I think I just said something - off the top of my head - that's pivotal to this whole topic.

[sKePTiKal]

So, here's what I've got. It's not "coherent" yet - just a set of (not so) random thoughts, feelings & connections:

hiding in plain sight = a duality of self; not quite "split" in two - not quite whole

one self = unacceptable being; emotional & intellectual integrated; wounded - i.e., an inflicted injury both emotional & functional; yet this self still the source of empathy, compassion, maternal instinct, love

"other" self = chain mail armor; defensive in the extreme; a frankenstein of defenses combined with negative self-identity and projections/illusions from mom; empty and worthless yet always striving for approval/acceptance - perfectionism

self-defeating/destructive habits = smoking, shooting myself in the foot, not trusting myself --> prevents making a solid committment to myself & constructive change (the weasel effect of changing my mind; giving up in the face of a challenge; "poor me" self-pity; and the ever-famous words "I CAN'T"...***)

self-abuse as only mechanism of "approval/acceptibility" to good old mom

MIL's thank you = her non-shrinking from me or some of my stories - she just shook her head, after giving me the card, when I told her my mom didn't even remember that that day was my birthday. "Nothing to be done about", she would've said.

"nothing to be done about it" = not necessary to continue abusing myself for approval/acceptance/acknowledgement that I'll never get; it's the beating head on brick wall syndrome... and I'm sure in some perverse way, provides some satisfaction and getting emotion out - for my mom.

The deal with these projections - I've described this before as feeling like a marionette and she's pulling my strings - is that I get suckered into acting out the parts of HER that she can't look at; doesn't like; scare her; and will deny exists. "Other self" in other words. NOT ME. It seems like a very long time ago that I sorted all this out, the first time.

But this: not trusting myself --> prevents making a solid committment to myself & constructive change (the weasel effect of changing my mind; giving up in the face of a challenge; "poor me" self-pity; and the ever-famous words "I CAN'T"

This, I put off dealing with when I was sorting out the ME/NOT ME stuff. "Me" seriously thought that this was as much a part of "me" as my freckles. But when I see it in print - ok, cyberprint - it's NOT ME stuff; it is my mom - then and even more so, now. Coz I have a feeling y'all will tell me I'm not the "giving up" kind of person after reading/watching my whole process unravel here, a bit at a time. I sure as hell wasn't giving up trying to find a way to help MIL either... and was resisting the idea that it was her time to go and that this is what she wanted. That was "attachment"... and it was a good attachment, not the negative kind.

Therefore, the "facts" seem to indicate that I'm not permanently warped or disfigured or stuck in an endless cycle of self-abuse or getting suckered into these kinds of pointless, one-sided head games, where I always get hurt.

I just didn't know it.

And nothing bad will happen, if I simply step to the other side of the line... step out of the way of the bus I'm always throwing myself under. Nothing bad will happen if I simply forget to smoke... or if I remind myself not to... if I stop using a substitute pacifier for what I really need... there's no need to protect anyone from my emotions [eiiiyahhhh! that's just stupid]... what I feel can't hurt anyone else... and I don't have to kill myself to prove that I'm a nice normal person who just wants to love & be loved.

PHEW.

[sKePTiKal]

CB,

the clarity you're seeing is a contrast - black & white; good & bad. That extreme, I guess. Many many people are commenting on how much MIL gave; how she cared for them just like their own mom. She didn't know how to be any other way and truly did not understand "people like that". She was creator of peace, love and happiness where ever she went. So it was that much more awful to watch her sink into misery; feeling so physically awful and to be helpless to know what to do for her.

In the end, letting her go was the right thing to do for her. And it was done out of love for her.

Contrasted with my past & current experience with my mom?? With all the moms who could populate a "wall of shame" and never even admit they did anything wrong? Or apologize? or say thank you for all the ways we tried to please them?????

Yeah, it's pretty clear to me right now. Even in the midst of sadness at missing MIL, of all the things we have to do and all the times I have tell someone, she died Tuesday.... in the midst of all of that, I am still trying to save myself and the rest of my life. And I want to make sure I carry on what MIL was famous for - being a great mom.

[CB123]

And what greater legacy could she leave than that?!

That's wonderful, PR.  If I died tomorrow, I would want to know that I had touched someone the way MI has touched you....that you feel changed and empowered by your relationship with her. 

I am glad that of all the mothers in law in the world that you could have had, that you had her.

CB

[sKePTiKal]

CB, thanks. As I go through the process of trying to comfort my SIL, I need to remember this. That we've all been blessed with the benefits bestowed by the essence of "mother" and we - as a world - need to perpetuate this:

that no matter what happened or why we "are" the way we "are" - that we are loved JUST the way we are.

And in that same way - dealing with my feral cat inner child and mothering her - instead of trying to force her into something she's just not ready for, or fears greatly... to encourage her with love to keep practicing, to do the best she can - and celebrate each small step of progress, no matter how small - and reiterate over & over, as many times as needed, that I know she can do it.

It is precisely the habit of demanding too much from myself; the impossible even; and not cutting myself a break that is at the core of the ongoing cycle of these old, hangover patterns of perpetual cycling through need - want - denial - substitution/pacifying - and this is what always sabotages my self. This is the self-abuse behind all the overt symptoms. I need to just stop this - but even that seems part of the cycle. Once upon a time, I did not do this to myself and I don't know how to find my way back to that. At the moment. And yet, I can see that I'm closer than I used to be. HUH. I don't know how that happened, either.

I slept long, last night. But half conscious of the dreams. They were full of effort, torturous, not restful - and still not to the part of my brain that can remember anything about them. Some part of me is really struggling to achieve something right now and I don't have a clue what it is. But I think I'm OK with that. I do remember that some months ago, I dreamed about telling my T that I was ready; I wanted to "finish". So, here I am...

[Hopalong]

GS,
I spent my time at those cafes at the farthest table, reading. Or desperately hoping the sparrow I was dropping crumbs to would look up and hop to my knee, knowing how peaceful I was. What a lonely mess. I remember a quailing heart and a fake, confident mask. I got through it but not without irony. (By late h.s., when I'd escaped the private girls' snobbery-torture academy, I found some peace. Enough kids at the public school were different &/or tolerant that I was no longer sole Odd Girl Out...)
To this day I trust sparrows more, though...

Sometimes, especially this season, I just want to say, Never Mind.
The loneliness can always come back.

love
Hops

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((((PR))))))))))))))

we've all been blessed with the benefits bestowed by the essence of "mother" and we - as a world - need to perpetuate this:

that no matter what happened or why we "are" the way we "are" - that we are loved JUST the way we are.

Thank you, dear. I needed to read this just when you needed to say it.

This same conviction, may it surround you always, with gentle affection.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hey GS...

You're part of THIS group - an important part that we care about. When we don't hear from you - we come lookin' for ya!!

[Gaining Strength]

The deal with these projections - I've described this before as feeling like a marionette and she's pulling my strings - is that I get suckered into acting out the parts of HER that she can't look at; doesn't like; scare her; and will deny exists. "Other self" in other words. NOT ME. It seems like a very long time ago that I sorted all this out, the first time.

When I can catch myself right in the act then I might begin to find an alternative reaction.  Maybe.  It is their action and my reaction.  It takes both parts to make the whole - not just them but my reaction as well.  I'm seeing that today in my current situation.  It is NOT just their action but their action coupled with my reaction that creates the yuck, the miasma, the qucksand.

[Gaining Strength]

Hops and PR - I tell you, I carry you both in my heart and consult you two quite regularly.  What I hear back is so much better than those other voices I began carrying so long ago.  Thanks for coming looking.
Hops - here's an eerie tidbit.  I'm sitting in an internet spot in a grocery store in NC where two sparrow looking birds are inside handing out.  Let me try to download a phone photo.  How wierdly synchronistic is that?

[sKePTiKal]

You're right that it takes both bits - the action/reaction - to create the yuck. I've kinda tortured myself with the "which comes first, chicken or egg" analysis of that... and what I'm finding now, is that linear order doesn't matter, really.

I gotta go back to the idea I had a couple years ago to explain. Remember the conversation about mental/physical habits? About the 2 way street and nature abhoring a vacumn? Restating that, the "old voices" or initial action that provokes an unwanted defensive reaction... need to be replaced with SOMETHING ELSE; one can't just simply "let go" the old yuck or give it up or run away or shut it off - without putting something else in it's place. If there's nothing new and different to put into the space where the yuck used to be - unfortunately the laws of nature take over - and the "default" crap returns; I think it's like both entropy and persistence of radioactivity, at work here. This is what we struggle with, I think - in our own ways, trying to find new stuff to replace the old yuck.

And if you can replace - let's call it an old, invasive weed this time - with a new, pretty plant, it takes some time and nurturing for that new plant to be established. Practice - in terms of our habits, including the mental/emotional ones. How much time; how much nurturing; how much practice??? Those answers are unique to each individual and situation, methinks. And that's why I believe in tallying, counting, stating and celebrating even the most incremental progress over despair, kicking myself for not doing better, etc. or in anyway making it harder for myself to keep moving at whatever pace I can. Whatever pace I can progress is whatever pace is right for me, at the moment. (Despite what the old voices say!!)

After all - this part of me hasn't done this kind of "work" or been allowed to be this active in quite a while. She's stiff from being all folded up into her box... her eyes needed to adjust to the light... just standing up took effort and practice, before it felt "normal". It took long enough, as it was, to get her to stop being afraid. But that's how much time she needed to take. And that's what is happening - at glacial speed - is that slowly but surely, ever so subtly - change is happening; good change. It just needed a good long time to get the roots established before it was comfortable and secure enough to bloom...

So according to this experience I'm having - I would say that I am my own worst unintentional enemy, in that - I've recorded those old voices, those old feelings - both parts - in my photgraphic, emotional memory; and now all by myself I abuse myself (if I'm not carefully conscious)... because I didn't know that YES, I really could squeeze all that old yuck out... with new, pretty, happy stuff. And once I got enough practice at this... it started to feel more normal for me; and one day I sorta realized - oh, I don't do that anymore!! I don't "need" to do that anymore... etc.

New stuff requires taking some risks, making an effort to see things in a different way, trying to "connect" - even if with just a smile to someone I don't even know, and constantly reminding myself that I'm no worse off than the next person - and not better, either. What I went through might be unfamiliar to some people; many more will recognize and connect with parts of it. What happened to me isn't equal to who I am. Both kinds of people are just people and an opportunity to bring something "new" into the mix... to keep replacing the old yuck. (And yeah, sometimes you run into "new yuck" - but after all the work I've done with y'all here & on my own - it really doesn't affect me the same way; as deeply or as long. And there is even more progress here, too.)

GS, I know you're making more progress than you once thought possible. I think your sparrows are simply trying to tell you, you're ready to start connecting now.

[Hopalong]

PR--I so agree about the void.

Just saying STOP! to my self-defeating tapes doesn't do it--I just have to vigorously argue back.

So, plodding along on my walk I'll hear some panicky refrain start and I'll think (loudly):
STOP!
I'm doing just fine.
I'm okay, I'm doing fine.

(Rinse and repeat). It's a shame it has to be done so intentionally but that's what it takes, you are so right.

GS--I am thrilled by the sparrows, thank you so much for that picture. It looks like a painting, because it's low-res--and that makes me wish I could paint. Thanks for sharing it.

xxoo
Hops