In need of a new mantra: Thoughts?

[lighter]

I was thinking something along the lines of a response to N's and S's in everyday life: (internal response, hopefully)

"You're broken and unworthy, do no harm and be gone from my sight."

"You're here.  I want you gone.  I'm dismissing you from my life."

"Someone else broke you.  I'll not tolerate you.  Be gone from my life."

You're broken and dangerous......  I must limit you in my life."

You've been broken, and I can't save you.  I won't allow you to create chaos in my life."

You're broken and dangerous.  You're at a distance or out of my life."

Any thoughts?

I feel naiive when I write things about distancing or limiting, and that makes me feel sick and sad.

I wonder what it looks like to outright banish unhealthy people, without emotion or second thoughts, as an automatic boundary consistently in place.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

How about:

GO AWAY - my time is too valuable to waste it on you?

Granted - sometimes we're in situations where this isn't possible. But it reminds me not to obsess on THEM and how broken they are and validates my ability to choose what I will think/feel/and experience.

[Twoapenny]

Or maybe focus on you a bit more than them?

  "I choose to spend my time and my energy on me and others who deserve me"

  "I choose to surround myself with happy, intelligent, well balanced people" (although I must admit it's taking me a while to find a few!).

  "I choose to spend my time with people who make me feel good"

I think different things work for different people.  Personally, I've found I've made better progress when I've focused on me and really blocked other people out (literally and metaphorically).  Kind of focusing on the stuff you want more of rather than the stuff you want less of?

[Izzy_*now*]

I've decided to keep away from people who have been toxic for me. It has made my life more pleasant.

[debkor]

Hey Light,

Yep everything everyone wrote on here.
And
At times
I'll admit

THE

not always internal response

Ahhhhh shadddupa yur face! 

Love
Deb

[sKePTiKal]

Jeez... the way my brain works sometimes!! This thread popped up as the most recent activity, and all that was displayed was:

"In need of a new man"......  LOL!!!! Silly brain.

Seriously, Light - I think we're zooming in on the idea that if we run across "one of them" while going our merry way... it helps if we've worked on strengthening our "immunity" to them. And we do that by validating, reinforcing, our "way of life" - inner and outer - so that it works for us ('coz it's not something that can be "exported" or one size fits all). And of course, the mantra then is: to each his own. If I feel secure and confident in myself - then, when accosted by one of the "others" - it's way easier to brush them out of the way (like a mosquito or gnat), even if it does start up the old self-doubt, guilt, second-guessing myself crap again. And that knee-jerk reaction, I've realized so slowly, is MY problem. I'm overly ready to admit that I'm "wrong" - and that the zombie-N is "right" - when over & over & over I've analyzed the situation and discovered that I'm just not being fair to myself; that I've been conditioned to think & feel this way. I'm a perfect Pavlov's dog; easily suggestible and easily trainable... or at least that's been true of me, up till now.

Thinking I need to go buy one of the cute t-shirts they sell to tourists down here... that say:

"Well-behaved women seldom make history"

[Hopalong]

Hi Lighter,

I too noticed that it was focused on the other or changing the other. There were a lot of "yous".

I think if you set appropriate boundaries for yourself, then banishing and begone-ing are less necessary.

First, learning to pick up early signals that someone is unsafe for you, in whatever way.
Next, learning to set the boundaries with YOURSELF around that person, e.g.:

--don't engage
--no elaborate conversations
--be bland, not impressive
--don't charm them or manipulate them
--make whatever excuse and make your (low-key) exit
--thereafter, avoid them

While interacting (if that is necessary at all), change the self-talk from "about you" to actually about yourself, and make it empowering:

--I am doing just fine.
--I am comfortable taking care of myself.
--I am safe and I have good judgment.
--I like turning it down a notch
--I want peace in my life
--I feel serene not getting involved

Don't worry that it hasn't been automatic or consistent. You just start where you are. With practice, one day it will become an unconscious respect for your wholeness that makes you shy away from ever starting with the wrong person. Right now, you're giving yourself CONscious respect and care.

This is what you can do, and what you can teach them.

Have faith in it, and begin.

xo
Hops

[lighter]

Lighter, this

what it looks like to outright banish unhealthy people, without emotion or second thoughts, as an automatic boundary consistently in place.

reminds me of something I thought about quite a while ago, may have mentioned here, can't remember. And that was the idea that someone who is PERFECTLY RECOVERED (pause for laugh) can, from external appearances, resemble a raving N - completely without obvious emotion, conscience, without a second thought. Not fully human, but perhaps supremely human. Tolle might be one you could imagine seeing like this. Detached from the human race, untouched by everyday losses.
I don't know. I'm a curious person. I'm not sure I want to be without emotion or second thoughts. I'm not sure I would want to lose the emotions of disgust or repulsion. Those feelings are there for a reason.

All your posts helped me along this path..... and this is what I take from it.

First, I have a difficult time saying NO, esp to people who make me feel guilty for saying NO to them.

Second, I'm resentful of letting my boundaries get run over, after I mindfully put them in place, and that comes out in my initial mantras.  I can see that now.

I have difficulty dismissing bad people, esp when they turn all their energy and charm on to change my NO into a Yes.

It speaks to my belief in redemption, and that's a weakness too, I admit.

What I have to do is lable people, remain low key, and not innitiate any banter at all.  My tendenciesare to be completetly honest, and tell people what my intentions and boundaries are up front.  
For instance, "This relationship will never turn into anything seriouse.  You should know that right up front." It's like issuing a royal challenge to an N, for goodness sake!

If I appear without emotion, or I appear to not be engaged, then that's OK too.

I'll save my energy for them that deserves it, and "take'it ease.... and keep'a go" as an Italian friend says.

I don't have to prove I'm human or engaged or good or kind or anything for anyone.

Heck, I'm not all those things for everyone, and I'm going to have to make peace with that.

What I'd like to do is let those I choose not to have contact with go by without giving them any of my energy at all.  

Like Zazen...... just allow them to pass, sans emotional response.



Thanks again to all of you.  Every single post helped: )

Light

[Lollie]

Hi, Lighter.

Here's a "mantra" I have found enormously helpful, courtesy of Al-Anon:

I didn't cause it.
I can't control it.
I can't cure it.

Best,
Lollie

[lighter]

I've had tremendous relief when visualizing physically letting go.

It looks like pushing of,f over water, and rushing backwards with my arms and hands extended..... flowing over water, faster and faster.

Away from and beyond whatever it was that I wanted to stop giving energy to.

That's what I was doing before I started thinking about mantras...... it seems to work.

All this negative stuff's been bottled up for almost 3 years.

I think my kids and I need to see someone who's had experience with dv situations and ptsd.

That's what I think.

[debkor]

Hey Light,

I'm on the beach, I can see so far out, all looks so calm.  I am feeling so calm.

I bring my eyes a little closer to shore and see some choppy water.  I am uncomfortable and know that my emotions, are well, choppy. Oh man, I wish I could just stop this.  I hate feeling these. 

I try to bring my eyes back so far but I can't do it.  I know where my eyes are going to go. oh man.  It's coming closer to shore and I don't want to go there.
I don't like how it feels.  It's scary, uncomfortable, causes anxiety, I hate knowing a wave is coming.



And this is when I grab a pen, or the computer, and I write, or bang away with the same fury (probably of an ocean wave) Intense, angry, twisting and turning,
sadness, what ever I may be feeling, till I'm tired.

When I go back to read what I have written....It does not feel so intense. 

It's out.  It happened but it is not happening at the moment. 

And I go back as many times as I need.  I save it so I can add to little waves if I need to or even more coming.

When I have felt (such great emotions) from trauma, as you are feeling, I put them down how ever they are coming out.  I start to think and then I don't have to
they are just coming out that I'm not even sure I know what I have written.

And oh boy, I guess a sailor's mouth goes with an ocean. And sometimes I'm a sailor.

And if you can cry on paper without writing (cry) ....There is my ocean and everything inside it.

I see I wrote eyes, ocean, shore and cry.  Hmm.  Mind, spirit and body?  I don't know.

Because sometimes that is the way it feels to me.
And I have  healed.
So will you.
I'm thinking of you in these hard times Light. 

Love
Deb
























 

[lighter]

Ahhhh, Deb.

I used to journal all

the

time.

And it worked.

I've been traumatized with regard to putting anything on paper...... recording anything any way, actually.

I'll have to get over that knee jerk reaction......

and begin again.

Thanks for reminding me.

Note to self:  Purchase a new journal....

begin again.
Lighter

[mudpuppy]

How about "You're a horse's ass. Get the h*ll away from me."

I don't see anything wrong with focusing on them. That's where the danger lies so setting your antennae to spot em, identify em and avoid or flame em seems perfectly sensible to me.

mud