Author Topic: Welcome to Illudere  (Read 1847 times)

Hopalong

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Welcome to Illudere
« on: October 28, 2010, 08:25:57 PM »
You sound so weary, Illudere, glad you've come to be heard here.

I hope with all my heart that it really is not possible for an allergic little 2 year old to be "an N".

Kids can fail to do well because of OVER mothering, as much as from neglect. Much less over-mothering ("I do this because I am supposed to and I'm determined to be stellar at it because I am an Ivy League ACHIEVER") combined with spurts of fury. Those are fearful.

My very brisk response, just in case it helps though it's a quick feeling...(and I'm ever ready to be wrong!):

Is that you need to get a job. Part-time, even. I don't think being Perfect Home Mom is good for you.

You are so accomplished, and yet...in this particular role, you are feeling a lot of intense resentment. She has 4 more years before school and if you already experience rage, this could mark her in a deep way.

That can poison a family, and as you say, you don't want to be a rageful person as your mother is.

An adult's rage is deeply frightening and damaging to a child. Good for you for seeing there is danger for her...

I hope you will dump the labels of what you "should" be doing, and find a wise and intelligent
therapist who can help you figure out how a person can be a loving parent who recognizes
whether or not they are able, personality wise, to thrive by being a "Stay At Home" one.

I hope some compromise is possible so your little girl can get your happiest and freshest
energy, but there might also be an outlet AWAY from the house for your intellect that serves your need for autonomy.

The state you're in sounds toxic and I'm glad you DO have such gumption, to come on board and tell it as it is.

Welcome!

Hopalong
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Welcome to Illudere
« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2010, 08:03:19 AM »
Illudere:

I'm so glad you have help in the house..... perhaps some childcare help would give you time to re energize your batteries?

If you're an introvert, expending expending expending energy, without down time to replenish, can keep compounding problems.

It sounds to me like your husband isn't trustworthy.... chasing other women in front of you, dismissing you, ignoring you, and taking the housekeeper's side is probably what he's going to be doing 10 years from now.

All you can control is what you're doing, and where.

Your daughter needs a stable, steady mama.  If you lose it and yell, then apologize appropriately, tell her what you wish you'd have done, and model that consistently.  She can learn from your melt downs too.

Her job is to push boundaries and your job is to provide those boundaries.

Having good routines in place from the beginning will help you stay level.

CHANGING routines takes 10 times more energy, and if we don't stick with it, we end up with children who always push boundaries because it's it's not a matter IF mama's will give in..... it's a matter of WHEN she gives in.

It's like gambling for kids and it can be great fun, while the parent is struggling.

So, you married an N, sounds like you did to me anyway. 

You still have to raise this child as well as you can, and I know how hard that is to do with an N in your life chasing family members right in front of you, and all manner of crazy things.

You focus on your child, but you don't have the support of a spouse, andyou're fairly robbed of sanity at the same time.

My advice to you is...... circle your wagons, and get a game plan for dealing with your life.

I'd suggest a very good Psychotherapist, good routines for your child (training yourself to be consistent NO MATTER WHAT) is harder than training your 2yo in some cases, my case for instance.

Once routines are in place, life evens out.

The other thing you need to do is put self care time and rituals in place for yourself.  Getting proper sleep, llimiting your child's demanding behavior by providing a framework around meals, playtime and bedtime, for instance.  These rituals should be good for everyone so you're not entirely drained when the flu hits, or strep or anything else comes up.

I had to weigh raising daughters with an N Sociopath husband, and I decided I couldn't do it with that influence in the house.

I had to go.

If you think you can raise your daughter in the same house with your husband, then you figure out how to keep yourself sane first, then take care of the rest.

Your situation is crazy-making.........

your daughter needs you to model sane, reasonable behavior.

Please seek a Therapist, preferably someone who's worked with N's and sociopaths.

Do you have any good friends in real life?  Other mothers can help you in so many ways...... figuring out schooling, vaccines, health challenges, allergies, etc.

They also can provide insights and a good shoulder to cry on, which everybody needs.

Sounds like you're overwhelmed, and your face is pressed up to the glass.... you needs some from fresh insights and maybe someone in real life who understands.

How long can you carry all that weight, do ya think?

Your have rage, bc your life isn't fair right now.  That it comes out sideways at your daughters age appropriate behaviors is a problem.


You're in charge of handling a 2yo...... you provide rules, logical consequences, and you follow through. If you know you can't follow through bc you're too tired, then don't threaten what you know you can't follow through with, and don't give in after her whining.  Just give in up front, and be consistent when you have more energy.

Your child shouldn't get 100% of your energy when she's awake.  She should be able to let you eat, be on the phone, etc.  You say In 5 minutes, I will be with you.  If you can't be patient with your blocks or dolls then you will lose the priviledge of ______________ (insert some logical consequence) ie We won't be able to go to the park, bc mommy won't have the energy to take you if you can't be patient and give her a moment.

She should be given her food and not ordering you around in the kitchen like you're a short order cook.

You should allow her to eat what's in front of her, or leave it. 

Food issues can be huge power struggles, and kids know they can really engage us here, if we allow it.

Just provide good choices, and allow her to eat what she will eat.

Model eating the proper foods, adn don't make a big deal of it.

Get good doctors involved in health concerns, and find a message board with other parents who're dealing with the same issues.

Reach out and take care of yourself.  You're modeling lots of things for your child right now.  Self care is one of them.

Lighter




sKePTiKal

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Re: Welcome to Illudere
« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2010, 08:46:53 AM »
Hi Illudere,

an old grandma here chiming in supporting the good advice already posted. It's sound advice and will help rather quickly. Understand - 2 yr olds have more energy than even a team of mothers can cope with! Don't beat yourself up over not being perfect at it, OK? Like Lighter says - if you make a mistake, just sincerely apologize. It's a good example for your D and will sustain your relationship with her, over the years.

I wonder: are you expecting yourself to be the perfect mother for your little one, that you desperately wish you had had? Perhaps those two relationships need to dealt with separately - in different situations, you know? It can up the level of intensity of even minor things and keep you on the edge of going ballistic because you're always being reminded of what you need - still need - and at the same time, are trying to give it. It's OK, if you don't know for sure. It's just something I thought I heard in what you wrote; doesn't mean I'm right.

When I was a young mom with 2 little ones - I thought I could - should - needed to do the stay at home mom routine. That this was the "right" thing to do. I pretty quickly found out that I couldn't handle the isolation and that I really needed interaction for myself from other adults. That's not awful or selfish or immature... it's just who I was then. When I started working part-time again, I found I was much better able to deal with my role as mom and I think I actually got better at it, than when I tried to be what I wasn't - comfortable being a stay-at-home mom. I had more to give and wasn't so "in need" myself.

This is probably one of the top 10 ten worst times to be trying to break back into the job market, but that really doesn't mean you shouldn't try, if you think it would help.

I'm not going to even get into your hubby right now - you need to focus on you first and step back from your "mom" role a bit to see what you need/want - as a person - right now. Without worrying about obligations to anyone else. You can add that all back in to your plan and strategy later, after you've established your baseline; identified for yourself what you really want & need. Right now.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

illudere

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Re: Welcome to Illudere
« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2010, 11:13:37 AM »
Dearest Hopalong, Lighter and PhoenixRising

Your responses brought to mind the first time my daughter hugged me, I was completely surprised when she leaned on my back and put her arms around my neck...I felt like "you want to hug me?"...Thank you all.

Hopalong: The rage is there, I am sorry to say, its not something I am happy about.  I tried to post on this board about four months ago, after my daughter tried to drink water from a water troth at the playground, I tapped her on her back meaning NO can't drink that.  I do mean TAP, I have never hit my daughter, didn't burp her much but that was the kind of tap it was.  I was really scared about how she would react, because coupled with anger any tap can feel like a smack.  It came out of me without any thought.  My mother did that to me, but she really smacked me on my back, it smarted, and I was 27 at the time (I am 41). 

My hubby makes light of everything, his lack of curiosity, question, comment,  makes me think everything is insignificant, so I've trudged along, getting worked up to leave, telling him about how I do not want our problems to affect our daughter, not having us as role models...

I don't want to be a horrible mother, and I do think I am over-mothering. 

Lighter: Your post brought tears to my eyes.  I keep thinking its just me, I just need to deal with things better...I'm glad someone else sees this situation as crazy making.  I cannot decide about staying or going...I don't know how moms find the strength and courage to raise children on their own.  There are so many things you have written...I haven't had much support, I feel socially inept, I'm not, I don't think I am, but I've gotten so fearful.  My sister said go hang out with other mothers.  I had a play-date yesterday and seeing how her daughter behaved and mother/daughter interaction made me feel soooo reassured. 

PhoenixRising: Yes, I do want to be the mother I didn't have.  There is so much I need to untangle.  My daughter's been asking recently, "Mommy are you happy?" if I'm upset or angry she will ask if I'm angry, and I answer honestly because I don't want her to question her sanity like me.  We've relocated to S.E. Asia, and the job market is probably as bad as everywhere else. I have no idea what weekend job I can get. 

I was going to spend time away from my daughter this weekend, just leave her with hubby to get some me time.  After reading all of your thoughtful responses I think finding a therapist is how I "should" spend my me time. I've seen therapist in the past, 2 positive experiences and a bunch of not so great ones.  I hadn't thought of finding one with N experience but good call. 

Thank you all for reminding me how horrible this can be for a child.

-illudere

illudere

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Re: Welcome to Illudere
« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2010, 11:51:32 AM »
CB123,

Thank you.  Every sentence resonates. 

The knot in your stomach? 15 years? oh my god....I have it.  I am not sure I can part with my daughter just yet, it is something that I can't answer.  I don't want her to deal with people who don't care, are annoyed, prefer boys, you name it I'm afraid it'll be directed at her.  I realize these are all of my issues. ahh...

 
>>I was so anxious and ignored by my husband that I lost touch with my own style and my own thoughts.  I thought I needed him to approve of me so I would know who I was.  My thoughts would seem to run on a hamster wheel as yours are doing.  I have some ideas for you on that as well.  I have only in the last few years learned to stop doing that.


Yes, yes, yes...I wish I didn't seek his approval but I do.  Please, share your ideas.  I have stopped sharing anything personal with him, he is fine with that.  (He put an unframed photograph of us on his side of the nightstand, and once put a tube of vaseline over my mouth in the photograph...it was there for days, I even clicked a photo of the photo.)


>>You are giving your daughter the care that you want for yourself.  You feel guilty asking for that kind of care, so you are giving it and trying to enjoy it vicariously.  The truth is, it won't work.  You are giving what you want, so she is not getting what she needs.  So neither one of you are having your needs met.


That bit really hurts.

I'm floored by everyone's input...thank you. I'm dreading leaving tomorrow but I told my daughter earlier today that I will be going out for the day tomorrow, like daddy goes to work.  Will you be ok? She nodded and said I will be ok.

-illudere

debkor

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Re: Welcome to Illudere
« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2010, 10:42:50 PM »
Hi Ill,

Do you feel like a married single parent?  I did.  I was a married single parent.  Had the house the finance, insurance, food, car, husband,ect...but no partner.  Know what I mean?

I was a stay at home mom.  There was even an incident when my dog caught her nail in my d's eye lid when she was crawling.  She tore it wide open right across.
I was alone.  My neighbor heard me screaming and had the door open before I even reached it.  I called my H (who was suppose to be at work) but they covered for him saying he was on a run.  When I told them to find him and what happened they told the truth.  My D wound up with plastic surgery that night.  The next morning after I had just returned home from the hospital with my D my H came in shortly after.  He looked at her then said to me..and what?  I couldn't have prevented it from happening then went to bed.  I was still alone (with everything) except money, house, car, ect. 

I wanted to go back to work (to hell with you) and be home at the same time.  I was torn.  And I was tired.  And I was angry.  And I was guilty about all of it.
But one thing for sure is I had no (emotional partner) well except for the one's he had for himself. 

I was a married single parent.  I thought about packing up and see ya!  I was on my way to do it and then it was done for me.  Different story but my marriage ended.

I then went to work.  I stayed home in the day and baby sat other's children and at night worked a p/t job.  Then I just moved back on home a year later.
I put my two (had another baby) in nursery school and I went back to school.  Then I gained employment again.  They stayed in nursery school and I made friends with the teachers.  In an emergency or when I had to work late the teachers took my children home with them or to my house.  I worked for a social service agency so they understood when my children were sick I would have to stay home if I didn't have a sitter.  If they were not to sick then I'd take them with me to work.  Everyone of the workers had permission to pick up my children (if I was called) but not there at the moment.  No cells at the time.

My children made friends, loved the school and workers, loved people at my job and thier families, and I was then a single parent but lost the finances, cars, house, pretty much everything and gained so much more from losing it.    And things came back, including me. 

2 year olds are demanding of your attention.  I doubt your D is an N.  I had a 2 year old and an infant.  I thought I'd drop dead at times I was so overwhelmed and tired but I was never as tired and overwhelmed as I was (being married to my N or worse ex-h). 

So from 2 to 9 with both of my kids (and really a single parent) I did the stitches, crutches, cast, flu, 5th disease, strep's, sniffles, chicken pox, shots (my S had a seizure from one) so they never gave that one again (red flagged his charts)  vacuumed, moved things, had eyes all over the place but they found that one penny (in the mouth)
and hopped myself out of bed, feed, dressed, cleaned, let the dog out, with a cast on my own ankle.  I even had four kids with me (2 my sister's) in a hospital for (well  stitches). 

Even the Dr. where I worked looked like she was going to drop dead at times...(she had four adopted kids)...and all kids wear you out.  At one point the Dr. and I would hear at the window....Maaaaaaaa!  Mom, moooommmmyyy...we didn't know who's they were.  Your's or mine?   While she was in session (lol). 

My S had asthma and his allergist told me to not get rid of the pets, yet.  Use alleripet.  It worked.  He even played hockey. He's an adult now and fine.

And both were ...very trying at times.  My S decided that even with what he picked out the night before to wear to school in the morning he didn't want to.
He would run around the table as the time just kept going and I was going to be late for work.  Then I just took him by his hand in his superman underwear with his clothing he picked out in my other hand and didn't care if he went in his underwear to school.  He had choice.  You bet he put on his clothes before it even opened.
That was the end of the clothing war's.  He did go to school for about a month with his fore head covered in bandaids.  what happened?  Nothing he liked bandaids.
Liked the look...so..(it was nursery school).  For awhile he wore the same under wear (cleaned of course) but the same.  My D would not eat anything but Cheerio's for a bit.  I told the Dr. she won't eat anything else!!! What should I do?  He said, let her eat the cheerio's.  She eventually ate other things but even at 25 is a picky eater.
She is almost a vegetarian.

Then I remarried and had another S.  This time I was a stay at home...stay at home till now...mother.  He had staples, ear infections for years, flu, shots fine, dyslexic, plays hockey, fits, temper tantrums, chicken pox, cat scratch, MRSA, H1N1, wouldn't sleep in bed but would in a 2 man tent in his room, was terrified of ants, but had a pet slug,  and more....and he's fine.  He will be 16 in Jan. 

So I was married single parent.  To unmarried single parent.  To married with kids and almost 16 years stay at home parent.

So now what to do.  They don't need me like they use to.  Go back to work?  Yes.
And ya know what....the back to work ...is back to school and what I should have done in the first place...I'm not really office and it's not really my talent...
My natural talent is hair.  I'm going to do it.  Yep, 18 year olds, 20 year olds, and me....54 year's old all in the same class (this should be interesting). 

So that is part of me when 1st married..being a single parent (you know what I mean) and me not married really single parent...and then me married again.
I'm surprised I'm still sane.  Maybe I'm not.

step by step and day by day..it changes all the time...as you grow as they grow..

So what? your a mother, a cook, a cleaner, a nurse, a body guard, a teacher, and you add on....That is a whole lotta worth!! You have the most important job in the World. 

Love
Deb




lighter

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Re: Welcome to Illudere
« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2010, 07:46:50 AM »
Illudere:

Please stop thinking, and wishing all will be well if you can just do everything better.

It's not within your power to fix your husband or how he treats you and your daughter.

Simply handling the craziness well isn't a long term solution.... at least there's very little sanity at the end of that road.

All you can do is figure out how you ended up in this relationship, and how to care for yourself through it. (Ask for Therapist references from people you trust, like doctors and pharmacists.)

Honestly, you're modeling EVERYTHING for your daughter right now.

Please learn how to set up healthy boundaries and take care of yourself.

It will feel odd at first, but it's the only true way to feeling better, and the upside is your daughter learns to do it too.

In the meantime, I believe that keeping all this from your husband is the best course.  Keep your head down.  Get some help.  Put some support in place, and remember to be present in the moment with your daughter.  She'll be 2 for a very short time.  When you're with her, play..... really look into her eyes and focus on being there with her.  Ask her what the best and worst things in her day were when you lay her down for sleep.  Write it down.  Write down all the adorable things she says. 

Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: Welcome to Illudere
« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2010, 09:50:00 AM »
Wow - I'm impressed, Illudere! You're very quick and you've "got it" to be able to sort all this out with a good, compassionate Therapist. Your goals are pretty clear, too. Remember, two heads are better than one sometimes - and since you've realized that you really do need "something" from "someone else" - you're already well on your way to working through your current difficulties.
Some of us (I USED to be in that group) think there's something weak and irresponsible about needing "help"... but experience has changed my mind. None of us are an island; or superwoman; or able to do everything well... sometimes we need experts (or at least guides or referees)!  :D

Your hubby doesn't sound very supportive, affectionate, open or helpful... but on the other hand, he doesn't sound dangerous to you or your D, either. So, while I understand why you're thinking leaving him might be a helpful solution - my experience (I'm on hubby #3 now) is to postpone making this big of a decision until you've spent some time working through some of your personal issues, first. Assuming, of course, that he doesn't feel threatened or get in the way of you doing this - and of course, if he ever becomes violent just throw all this out the window and GET OUT. There are some hard lessons learned through experience that lead me to offering this advice.

First: even if he's the most arrogant, flagrant cheating so & so that you've ever met and he doesn't change along with your changes (thru therapy) he is providing a home and income. You are not superwoman, remember? If you hope to be able to tackle some of your mothering issues and give that process the time and attention it deserves then you really don't want "pile on" the problems of being a single parent. It's just too overwhelming to make those kinds of changes when you're also trying to sort out the big tangle of emotions you're going through right now. It also adds an additional "degree of difficulty" for D, in coping with parents who don't live together - and it takes a lot of energy, self-knowledge, and patience to help a child through that without confusing your own feelings into the mix. Leaving him now would only stack the deck a lot toward the side of failure for yourself. Don't get in your own way, even if you are starting to despise him.

(Yes, a lot of us here have done this; we did survive and some of our kids have turned out well-adjusted. I'm just saying it's a huge risk and if one is already feeling overwhelmed (and the situation is not presently dangerous) it's much better to put oneself on a firmer footing before tackling the financial, legal and time/energy challenges of single-parenthood.)

You can always decide to leave him later, if you're still of the same mind, opinion, etc and you'll have the advantage of feeling stronger in yourself. That also buys you time to look for a part-time job, introduce your D to a preschool, make some inner changes for yourself. Sometimes - not always - things will appear differently to you "on the other side" of those kinds of changes.

Second: With things like you're describing to be "sorted through", the demands of being a parent feel existentially even bigger and more intense... in a way, you're confronting a lot of pain and old wounds at the very same time you're trying to be warm, wise, caring, guiding and protective. Sometimes the old stuff takes over - and we need a "time out" from being mom long enough to deal with it. That's right up there on the "good parent" to-do list. Sometimes you just need 5 minutes; sometimes it's a whole day. Your instincts are right about getting some "me time" - and it could be only a few minutes to start - in addition to finding a new T.

As long as your new T has some experience in Attachment Styles/Issues and-or emotional abuse... it won't matter so much about whether they are an expert in N or not.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.