Christmas Program #1

[sfalken]

So... the night finally came, and my wife and I got into the car and rove up to the church in town where the my older children's school was doing their Christmas program.

As some here may recall, I've had quite some anxiety over this for awhile, since it was the first time that we would be under the same roof with my Nm/coNf since last January, and following his letter to me, which I posted in another post earlier. (http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=9597.0) And then his second letter to me, posted: http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=9675.msg154286#msg154286. The bottom line, a lot of terrible things have happened toward me, and my wife - this time mostly from my father, strangely.

Last night we walked in, and sat purposely in the balcony where I could get pictures of the kids, with the double purpose of avoiding my parents. My wife had said to me that she didnt think they would approach us - but, I knew better.

As soon as the program was over, (the kids did a great job), they watched where my children when when they came to see us, and followed them like lightning up the stairs to the balcony, and there we were, trapped with the stairs on the other side of them. My father walked over to me and shook my hand and said "I love you son", and my mother (there was no way of escaping it) hugged me and feigned some fakey sounding tears, and shoved a little stuffed animal toward my youngest daughter (22mos) who hasnt seen them since she was 12mos old. My older kids were standing there.

I didnt say a word. I just looked at him stone cold. After the drama with my mother, I just said to my wife that it was time to go and we made for the stairs and left. (The kids already knew we were leaving - the little one had a fever and we had decided to avoid more chance of drama with my parents in the coffee and cookies thing afterward.

So, I dont know. Maybe it was the xanax that I took beforehand that helped me to remain calm. The thing thats strange - is that to anyone else it would look like they were acting like saints, but I know better.

My father was most of his life a man of few words. It would be easier for me to try to believe that his "I love you" and handshake, was his way of saying that he is sorry for the things he said to me in his letters and treating us like we didnt exist for the last 7 months.

But, I'm willing to bet, that with him, it was not an I'm sorry, and, most likely it was more of a "I will give you another chance to be my son - lucky you."

My mother is just sick. I know better than anyone, her fakie crying. Ive known it my whole life. This last week she wrote text messages to me, totally disregarding the situation, telling me how horribly ill they are - that "they think" my dad has a brain tumor, and that she is getting "chemo-iron infusions" (she's anemic), and I dont know how many other made up medical conditions. 4 text messages worth. Psycho.

I would be interested in what the wise members of this board think. It is tempting to try to achieve a 'less hostile' NC situation - by assuming that the old man meant more than he really did. Idea being, still NC, but less bad blood between us.

But the other side of me says, "nahhhhh!"

PS: there is a second Christmas Program they will be attending next week. Oh Joy!

-SF

[Twoapenny]

Sfalken, you sound as if you handled the situation really well.  Personally, I just stopped doing anything about my situation for a while - and after a period of no contact I was by far the happiest I'd ever been.

I think the problem with trying to clear the bad blood is that it only exists in their eyes - you haven't done anything wrong.  If your folks are anything like mine, they will find some fault or something they can throw at you.  The only way I could have a relationship with my mum was if I just put up with it all.  I wasn't willing to anymore.

Maybe don't try and make a decision.  Just put yourself and your family first for a while, keep asking yourself "what's best for me?" and "what do I want" and just let the situation give you an answer when the time is right.

And good luck at the next programme!

[lighter]

I think you handled that very well, SF.

Thank goodness there wasn't any public spectacle involved.

Lighter

[Izzy_*now*]

hi SF

I am glad it went well and that there were no terrible scenes. ( I am surmising the kids knew you were leaviing, as you said, so expected nothing more than to just leave---no dawdling with the g'parents?

Something comes to mind when he shook your hand and said, "I love you son". Does that make you feel happy or that he is acting? If it makes you feel happy can you repeat that in return, "I love you Dad", and give him a hug and say, "I mean that. I hope you do too!"....or then upchuck because YUK you are a terrible actor??

or
Are you more apt to, if you are Honest say, "I used to be able to say that to you/ think that about you but....(think of something) i.e. too much has happened for a close relationship now."

I think of A. My daughter and I are not emailing but when she did she signed with a lower case 'a', her initial. When I signed mine I signed "Love mom". (VERY deep down I do but I would never let it show and be made a fool of.) If she were to show up at my door I would not expect us to touch or use the word love----too much has happened over 20 years for anything resembling closeness between us now, and haven't seen one another on over 10 years.

Good Luck
Izzy

[sKePTiKal]

OK! That wasn't so bad. Fact is, that sometimes you are not going to be able to avoid them and it helps to have some experience with what to expect from them (tho' don't get comfortable!! Curve balls still possible).

The reason the interaction that looked so "normal" felt so strange... is a little thing we call "cognitive dissonance". Two mutually exclusive realities collide and conflict - and simply can't be made to co-exist rationally. If A is true, then how can B be true? If you're such an awful son who's hurt them so badly... then, why the handshake & "I love you"???????  That feeling of strangeness is sort of an "early warning system" too. I can imagine that it's really, really tempting to believe that they've changed; had a change of heart. You wouldn't be normal, if part of you didn't long for that. But the warning is, that if you let your guard down & give in to that hope... you are then vulnerable to being hurt once again.

Sometimes, it's different if you know this; sometimes it's not. IF you decide to give them another chance...

Since they are the ones who trespassed boundaries - they will need to prove to you, that they a.) mean what they say and b.) respect the limits you impose and c.) are trustworthy. Without all the awful YUCK they wanted to dump on you, emotionally. Without a rehashing. Without putting you "on the witness stand" of having to explain yourself. At first, keep it short, simple, and in public places... this gives you some basic insurance - though eyewitnesses can be a double-edged sword.

I can't go completely NC with my brother (we own a business) and he doesn't have a clue what a boundary is; because of this enforced relationship, I'm not completely NC with my mother either. Is it just a lovely bed of roses? NOPE. Can it ever be mastered? I don't think so. Do I get suckered into things - even though I know what I'm dealing with? YEP. It's never, never easy and as much as I wish I could let my guard down and just have a normal relationship with my brother, at least..... it ain't never gonna happen. And it's not my fault. When I start to get to the point of exhaustion from dealing with it, I allow myself to put more distance between us - using "NC" more as a yardstick of more/less instead of an absolute. Do I have other options? I sure do. So, I'm aware that I've made the choice to continue "entering the lion's den"; I know what I'm up against; I know how to protect myself - and I still get clobbered, from time to time.

I have no idea if this is fair to myself and I can change my mind about this, later. It's not something I'd recommend to anyone else, and so though I think it's possible to walk this kind of tightrope, the disclaimer is, that it comes at a price. I am constantly evaluating whether the cost is getting too high for me. Actually, there can be humor in this too - the last time I visited my brother, my mother didn't even recognize me! Go figure.

[Guest]

SF

Your father's behaviour in that one example above is not 'normal'. Who on earth behaves like that, in such circumstances? It sounds like something he's seen in a film. And then rehearsed. In front of a mirror.

'Normal' would be to say "hey, it's great to see you, how are you doing?" etc etc. To say "I love you" sounds controlling and 'all about me'. So he thinks he loves you, big deal. Does he care about how your day went? Love is attention, wanting to know about someone's day and actually caring about it.

Okay, that wasn't your point I guess.  Is it worth trying to achieve a 'less hostile' NC situation? Do you mean that maybe you just think about him more kindly in your head? It's worth a shot if it might make you feel better. If you stay NC, you can think what you like, so long as you don't expect his behaviour to change.

I'm not wise. What do you think about what you want to think? That's all that matters really.

[Gaining Strength]

Your post calls for a well thought out reply.  I hope to come back and give a more detailed one later.

You did a remarkable job in the way you handled the Christmas Program.  Stand on confidence of that as you plan how you will handle program #2.  You did extremely well and you will do as well again.

How he and she behave is not the issue.  I wonder if your parents held you responsible for their evil actions toward you.  Mine did me and that continues to cause confusion for me (though less and less).  Keep focus on claiming victory for keeping your calm and getting out of the space where they are.  Count evasions and points of not reacting as points and keep score.  Give yourself an invisible pat on the back/high five for each and every point.  It will keep your focus on your behavior and give you joy shifting out of that  anticipation of sickening Nism.

You aced it at Christmas Program #1 and Program #2 will be even better.  You will survive and flourish and they may get you down in the future but they will NEVER triumph over you again.

Keep us posted.

[Hopalong]

I think your mother's hysterical and maNipulative.

I think your Dad does love you. But he doesn't know how to express it naturally any more, he's gotten so bollixed up with her.

So it comes out in these stilted communications.

Doesn't mean it's not true, though. IMO.

Hops

[sfalken]

I'm so appreciative for all of your replies.

Now that it's been almost a week, I'm seeing more clearly. If there were some way to get beyond the disorders I believe are at work in my parents, and the dysfunction they both grew up in, and have perpetuated my entire life toward me, even then - the damage that was done by my father with his letter to me in August, and by both of them treating my family and I as if we do not exist for almost 8 months now, would be too much to overcome with my father just walking up to me at a church like a rock star, and uttering 4 empty words.

The side of me that wants a 'normal' relationship heard it and it played with that part of me, but after a week, and no effort beyond that from them, I see again that it was only a blurb. He at this point especially - is as cold and unfeeling as ever, she is impaired and delusional.

Tomorrow night is the next program. My ex spouse told me that as far as she knows they arent coming, but, I wouldn't doubt a surprise.

This coming Sunday is my father's birthday. My name will be smeared far and wide again Monday after he hears nothing from me.

[sfalken]

So I got up yesterday and was slammed with so much drama from my mother and their friends that I could barely function, - and it was topped off with program #2 later in the evening.

I came in to work - and when I looked at my personal email - before I could delete it - I saw a message from one of my parents friends - the one who wrote before - with a very tone condescending tone and smart comments as usual, 'reminding me' that my father's birthday is Sunday, and giving me some kind of quote from the Bible about forgiveness. I actually used the suggestions from a post here and made an even reply explaining that it was her choice to be wrapped up in my family's drama, and that I have a choice too - to have boundaries around my family and personal business, and that her messages and advice are not welcome. I received a message back saying "I will respect your wishes, but remember - I hold your secrets - so dont be an ass". What that means, I do not know - but it is very typical of the N personality type, which I believe she also trends toward. I just replied again saying that she has no power of me or my family's business, and to refer to my last message - future communications are not welcome. She stopped since then.

Then mid day - I and my wife were sent a barrage of messages via email, facebook and text, etc. from my mother (no, we are not connected to them online in any way - but my mother has gotten good at finding ways around my auto-delete rules etc.) She was telling me that they (she and my father) would see us at my children's program last night, and - my takeaway was that it was her attempt to tell me it was going to be a showdown.

I called my ex, who my parents have befriended - and asked her if she would record the performance for me, and that I would not be there - in order to avoid a scene at the kid's school on their special night. She right away said - "no way - I'm calling your mother and asking them not to come - they need you there more." She sent them a message, and invited them to her house on another day instead, and asked them not to come for the kids sake.

In the end, my parents did not come. Thank you ex wife. Really.

My father's birthday is Sunday. My mother made an unrealistic (delusional?) invitation to my wife and I to "share in his birthday" @ 3pm. I will now be illustrated further as the evil son, as I will not recognize it or him. I will not honor what is not honorable. I told her that she already knew that that would never work before she sent it.  What she is really trying to accomplish, is having the right to tell others amidst fake tears "I sent them an invitation - sob sob - but they didnt come - sob sob - I'm a victim - sob sob.."

The good news? After last night, the drama 'should' be over with for the holidays - although somehow I think they will inject themselves back in if they can.

drama, drama, drama.

Now on to Friday, and the weekend!

[mudpuppy]

They're doing to you what every one of us has gone through at one time or another. If you refuse to be controlled they will ostracize and demonize you. This is not an attempt to force you away from them but is precisely the opposite. It's a manipulative use of social and psychological pressure and guilt to force you back into their fold. If it doesn't work, then they come on with the saccharine smiles and the attempts to smooth the waters they stirred, but always on their terms and always with the intent of regaining control. Their end game always is YOU apologize, either tacitly or explcitly, for not tolerating their craziness and not recognizing their rightful spot as the head, not only of their family, but yours as well.
Probably not telling you anything you don't know in any of that, but you have done a good job of protecting your wife and kids from them and not responding in kind. And kudos to your ex for thinking of your kids first.
Only thing I would disagree with is that you are not honoring them. Like love, honor takes many forms. By treating them as you are you are honoring their decision to behave as spoiled brats and are showing them the respect they deserve as adults responsible for their own actions. You would be dishonoring and disrespecting them by pretending they are not adults with free will and kow-towing to them.

mud

[lighter]

Wow, I'm so impressed with your ex for recognizing how important you are to the kids.

She went out of her way to facilitate your attendance....

it couldn't have been easy to un-invite your parents.

As for your mother, I don't guess I would respond at all to any of her e-mails. 

Just keep hitting delete/block/delete if you can.

Enjoy your weekend, SF.

It's going to be OK.

Lighter

[BonesMS]

To SF:  Well done!!   

It never ceases to amaze me how these N's have delusions of godhood and infinite power...and these N's are STUPID!!

Bones

[Hopalong]

Hi Sfalken,

They've still got you on an electronic hook. That boundary's not holding.

If you change your email address and set up a Gmail account and Create a Filter, your mother's emails (and her friend's) can go straight to Trash. You won't see them.

So no "blizzard of emails" can disturb your peace.

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

SF:

One of the underlying subtexts I hear in what you write, is a bit of anxiety (leavened with some sarcasm) about how "other people" outside the drama will judge you... based on what your parents will say, how they try to paint you to other people, how awkward the situation has got to look from the outside to strangers. The anxiety is justified only on the experience of being within the "realm" of your royal-pain parents, I think. That's where it came from, and it might be good to leave it behind there.

"Other people" can see your parents for what they are; can put 2+2 together and have a bit of experience or understanding of how things malfunction in families - and why. They've got their own stories to tell YOU. But they might feel it's best just to ignore it, you know? Not their business anyway... and I think you'll find these are people you may connect with. It's hard to remember - when you're fighting against getting sucked into the vortex of this kind of public drama - but other people see and recognize the dysfunctional almost as well as you do. Even if they prefer not to call it out and discuss it. Look how your Ex jumped in and did "the right thing"! 

The delusional Ns of this world do stand out to other people. I've spent so much of my life trying to explain my Ns to other people...worried myself sick about "who would be believed"... and essentially had my head wedged so far up my butt over this that I didn't have any time or energy left over for a life.

It's not worth it. And it really isn't necessary, either! I wasn't telling people anything they couldn't figure out for themselves.

Now, you and your family have a Merry Christmas! Enjoy yourself - you did good through all this.