thinking about Christmas

[towrite]

Christmas must be a hard time of year of us survivors. My birthday is next week along with Christmas day and I have heard nothing from my NM and my brother. Last year I was working and gave them both expensive gifts. My brother (the not-speaking-to-me one) actually thanked me for his. I am in a different city, 96 miles from them, and I am not going to visit for the holiday. I have 2 dogs (well-behaved) and they are not welcome. I refuse to board them just to be with my "family". Where I go, they go, and, if they're not welcome, not of us goes anywhere. This is my NM's decision not to allow them in her home.

Being 96 miles away has given me a freedom I didn't expect. Sure I'm lonely, but I'll take loneliness any day over the stultifying and repressive feelings that come up when I'm in my hometown. I guess that's my gift to myself. Being with my NM and brother does nothing for the loneliness. I feel free here - and I am trying to be grateful for that. It's a trade-off, but one I'm willing to make.

Is any one else cold? I live in the South and we all have thin blood here (lol). 20 degrees is not our idea of a traditional Christmas when we usually walk around in shorts and sweatshirts with the sleeves pushed up. The elec & gas co. is celebrating!

[JustKathy]

Christmas is definitely the worst time of year for me. I start stressing as soon as the catalogs start arriving and the TV commercials start airing. Migraines, acne, increased anxiety - my body has a hard time coping. I'm now NC, so don't have to make the trip anymore, though they still try to push my buttons by sending guilt gifts, guilt letters, and guilt phone calls, all which get ignored.

I don't have any kids, so for the last six years it's been just hubby and I and the dogs. I do miss some of my Aunts, Uncles, and cousins, but I'd MUCH rather be lonely than be in that viper pit. Being with them was always an experience in loneliness anyway. I talked, NM ignored me and talked louder. If I want to talk to myself, I'd rather do it at home.

My two dogs were not welcome either, not because they are bad dogs, but because my brother (the GC) always brought his pack of Scottie dogs, and didn't want my dogs there to "bother" his precious babies. I'm like you when it comes to my dogs. If they can't go, then neither do I. One more excuse to stay NC.

[lostkitten]

Bless your heart... I am sending you Birthday and Christmas wishes... and I pray that you have an enjoyable, peaceful Holiday Season.

I to will be alone (excepting my 4 kitties), far from any family or friends. Sad that I have become such a recluse, I've been here nearly 2 years now, and haven't a single friend.

Is any one else cold?

Yup, this drafty old house needs insulation (that's next on my list). It is 54 degrees here in the warmest room. The weather says that "it is 25 degrees and feels like 11 with gusty winds." I am sure when these winds die down that it will be much better.

But until then I am enjoying a few 'Four Cat Nights'.     You wouldn't believe the heat their four little bodies curled around you put out!

I wish for you not to be lonely - enjoy your dogs  And like me try to find some happiness in the peaceful, quiet environment around you, and remember you are never really alone. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[SilverLining]

Yeah Christmas is a real challenge.   For several years I have been making my one annual visit to the FOO at Christmas.  This year they are all acting even crazier than usual for them.  I'm coming to think my father, mother, and sister can't even be considered separate individuals.  They are just one crazy triangulated, self absorbed mind.  I can spend days around them, and not one will even so much as  ask me how I have been.  They just babble about themselves and their never ending problems.  They gripe about each other. They gripe about their (few)friends.  Yesterday my sister called to complain about my mother, who supposedly is making a a big issue over somebody who brought a pie to their Thanksgiving potluck instead of the promised Jello.  I expect I'll get a call from my mother shortly to explain "her side of the story".   

I like to remind myself it's a good way to mark the darkest point of the year.  Shortly after Christmas the days start getting longer and Spring arrives.

[JustKathy]

I'm coming to think my father, mother, and sister can't even be considered separate individuals.  They are just one crazy triangulated, self absorbed mind.

Wow, that is EXACTLY what is happening to my family. Over the last two years, since my NM got her "terminal cancer" diagnosis, they have become fused together like some horror movie experiment gone bad. I think this year I will really appreciate the NC. Cats and dogs make darned good company next to a dysfunctional self-absorbed person with six arms, six legs, and one brain.

[Hopalong]

Silver, that's a very mature perspective:

I like to remind myself it's a good way to mark the darkest point of the year.  Shortly after Christmas the days start getting longer

...though I might quibble with you about "shortly"!

xo
Hops

[SilverLining]

[Wow, that is EXACTLY what is happening to my family. Over the last two years, since my NM got her "terminal cancer" diagnosis, they have become fused together like some horror movie experiment gone bad. I think this year I will really appreciate the NC. Cats and dogs make darned good company next to a dysfunctional self-absorbed person with six arms, six legs, and one brain.

Hi Kathy.    Looking around the internet, I came across "family systems theory".   Here's a short description:

The family systems theory is a theory introduced by Dr. Murray Bowen that suggests that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but rather as a part of their family, as the family is an emotional unit. Families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation from the system.

So in a system such as yours, there is the shock of the "cancer diagnosis" which drives the Co-f into a "rainman loop".  His behavior then feeds back and intensifies the behavior of the NM and further alienates you.   

There are a lot of similarities in my FOO.  My mother's histrionics appear to drive my father into borderline autistic withdrawal, which then intensifies her histrionics.  My sister has severe problems, which feed back into the whole process with my parents.  A lot of what goes on between my M and F revolves around blame for my sister's problems.   They have a "triangle" going with shifting alliances.  Overall, none of them can be understood without looking at the whole system.   

My role in the FOO system has been distant parentifed child.  Maybe with consciousness of the whole process I can keep moving toward     
independent adult.

Now I just have to survive Christmas....  I wonder if I can get an emergency prescription for Zanax somewhere...

[Gaining Strength]

towrite - I'm cold.  No heat this year.  Gas turned off.  No hot water either.  20s  several nights this week.  30s feel sultry.  Talked a friend into getting a heater from Sam's for some reason she asked me to only get one at a time so my little boy had a heater for the coldest nights.  I got a heater this morning.  That will help tremendously.

I know about X-mas birthdays - my oldest brother is 12-24 and my son is 12-09.  Much to be said about an X-mas birthday.

[JustKathy]

The family systems theory is a theory introduced by Dr. Murray Bowen that suggests that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but rather as a part of their family, as the family is an emotional unit. Families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation from the system.

This is really interesting. I'm going to do some research on this one. They do seem to feed off of each other, don't they? Even though you often hear of the N being referred to as the narcissistic vampire, I do believe that the co-family members also feed off of the N. They also seem unable to survive without one another. I can't help but wonder what will happen to this triangulation if my NM actually does die of cancer. Will Co-F and Co-Sis be able to function with any level of independence? Good grief, almost sounds like "The Human Centipede."

Sorry that some of you are suffering so much from the cold. I'm on the west coast, so the days are warm, though there have been a few nights with hard frost. I have heating, though the dry air causes problems for me with my skin, dry eyes, and such. I prefer to have a really warm bed with flannel sheets lots of blankets, and a few cats thrown in for extra warmth. Nothing warmer than a pile of cats on the bed.