Re: My story (kind of long)

[seastorm]

I am so sorry for what you have been through.  No one to believe you or witness for you.

There are a lot of clueless people around and I can just imagine how it was to have your cousin invalidate your truth and your feelings. The strongest voice has to be your own. Looking for support can be such a hard road. I think I needed constant validation and still like that.  I am learning to use Budhist methods of meditation and centering to help.

Christmas is a rough time.  Blessings to you.

Sea storm

[Hopalong]

More blessings from me, (((((NLAS))))).

I am getting a stronger and stronger sense that you really are going to be well.

love,
Hops

[nolongeraslave]

Thank you, sea. At the same time, my cousin is a total mama's boy. To admit that my mom is toxic means challenging his notion of moms being idolized/perfect.  My female cousin (his sister) says he makes ignorant comments all of the time.  But, it still bothered me to feel invalidated.  It's so weird how some of us go "numb" in the moment, but we process the emotions much later on!

Flashbacks are coming like crazy! I started EMDR a few weeks ago. It helps, but it's going to bring up a lot of stuff.  I'm debating as to whether I should go back on medication. 

Medication numbs anxiety, but it also numbs happiness/sex drive...and caused me weight gain. Journaling in member's stories is helping!

[nolongeraslave]

A little update on N mom being nice

I texted my mom "I don't want to talk to you.  I'm having flashbacks of you doing so many mean things." I was at work, and I felt angry and suicidal. I took out my feelings on her .She called me initially saying how I'm hurting her and how she never did anything. She said that she never beat me or threw me out of the house.  I told her that her meanness is emotional and mental. We hung up.

She then called back to say that she's very sorry for everything, and she understands that she was mean out of anger.  She said "You know I have trauma too, and I wasn't thinking right back then. Maybe something happened to my brain. "(she was attacked severely by my bio-dad).  She then went on about how I'm a beautiful, intelligent girl who everyone likes.  And how she was wrong about me making it on my own, and how she will no longer talk about weight/marriage. And how she was controlling b/c she didn't know any other way of parenting. She was crying on the phone.  I confronted her on the years of put-downs. We hung up on good terms.

Talking to her did relieve my anxiety and now my flashbacks are gone. It was soothing almost.  BUT, I wonder if she's being nice b/c I stood up to her and feared losing me. Maybe she was telling me what I wanted to hear to keep me in contact.  I would like to think that she has recognized her wrongdoings, but another part me thinks it's part of the narcissist's charm.

I'm not going to ponder it. I'm just glad my flashbacks are gone.  I was so angry and irritable for the past week processing all of the mean things that were done to me.

It's weird, but I remember how talking to my mom and abusive ex sometimes did relieve anxiety. They just knew what to say when they were in a good mood. That's what made it hard for me to leave them, but now I know. 

[nolongeraslave]

^That nice and fuzzy moment sure didn't last long!

I stood up to my mom and voiced that my taste in jewelry is different than hers.  She always sends me gifts that reflect HER taste, and not mine.  She wants me to wear what she wears. I'm her little barbie doll.   I think it's important to let her know that it's not necessary to spend money on stuff that I don't need.  I USED to let my mom control how I dressed, but I don't want to do that anymore.

My mom FREAKED when I told her "I don't really like this pink jewelry that you give me"  She accused me of treating her like shit, how I don't love her, how she's was trying to help me look good by choosing certain jewelry, etc.  This is precisely why I used to let her control how I looked. I didn't want to deal with her temper or mean comments. Even as a 12 year old, I remember my mom throwing a fit over me wanting to wear a black shirt when she wanted me to wear red.  She gave me the message "You need MY help to look pretty. I know what looks good on you. You don't know anything" or "You're a bad daughter who's hurting me if you don't wear what I want you to wear."   Having Body Dysmorphic Disorder, I believed her. I did anything I could to avoid looking ugly, so I listened to her.

Now, I'm at the point where I want to wear what I like and not what my mom commands. But, she took it very poorly today. It was at work, and I felt like shit the rest of the day. I sometimes feel standing up for yourself is draining. 

I remember my mom saying "you're such a weak person. Why can't you stand up for yourself?"  Here I am asserting my opinions, and she's getting angry at me. I'm trying not to feel responsible for her feelings, but it's hard.

[Hopalong]

Well, honey!
CONGRATULATIONS!

Buried in the moment is you doing something utterly wonderful
You used your voice. You stated your preference. You claimed your share of the family oxygrn.

This is a delightful event! You used your voice without abuse, to tell a preference.

Gosh. Normal assertive people do this as though they are making a cup of tea.

I LOVE seeing your healthy boundaries appear!

love,
Hops

[nolongeraslave]

Well, honey!
CONGRATULATIONS!

Buried in the moment is you doing something utterly wonderful
You used your voice. You stated your preference. You claimed your share of the family oxygrn.

This is a delightful event! You used your voice without abuse, to tell a preference.

Gosh. Normal assertive people do this as though they are making a cup of tea.

I LOVE seeing your healthy boundaries appear!

love,
Hops

Hopalong, I always tell people "Jumping through a hoop of fire is easier than standing up to a narcissist."

I thought about apologizing to my mom, but I decided not to. I don't have to apologize for having different tastes.  She always complains about money, so it helps her not to spend money on something that I won't use.