Working through the detrius

[Gaining Strength]

After all of my time hear the concept of "voicelessness" is becoming clearer and clearer to me.  I am corrolating my anger with not being heard more and more.  And I am profoundly thankful to know where it is coming from.  That will help me eventually to heal from it.  At present, for what ever reason, I am fealling the full force brunt over it.

Isn't it odd, how these woundings can lie latent, deep in our psyche, and when tapped, be as forceful as though utterly fresh and new.  I do not like feeling the full brute force of it.  I want it to be a whisp of a tail swing that is a mere reminder rather than a ripped open gut bare and exposed and raw - especially after all of these years.  But I am not surprised.  I have learned after these last many years that part of the healing process that seems to need repeated ad infinitum until the massive core has been dealt with, must continue to go through the horrid, horrible, ripping open of the wound all anew in order to heal each tiny aspect bit at a time.  And so - again - I find myself in the depths of the darkness with only my experience to give me hope of getting through. Angry, angry, angry.  but I believe there is another shore to reach which is within sight when the dawn comes.

PR - thinking about what you said earlier - it is helpful to know, or rather think that perhaps that person who gave birth to me cannot do any better, cannot notice when I am stressed or struggling or anything but at the sametime it enrages me that I have had to go through my entire life orphaned emotionally, raising myself, all the while believing she had some nuggets and love to share, feeling foolish, fooled and so very, very angry that I was duped and left out of what seems a minimal offering from God - a loving, nurutring mother.  Not unaware that there are indeed many motherless humans but angry that all along I thought i had one and kept trying to get right be right in order to get the nurturing that seems to come in bounds without effort to most around.  I am two now - rageful and angry, hoping, praying to get to four or teen or even adult levels of maturity before my son does or before my death.

[sKePTiKal]

I agree - that "trick" is most cruel.

It is the indigestible, "stuck in my craw", piece of reality that seems to be a constant reminder that "I don't deserve _______." Emotionally, anyway. There is no way around it, no escape from it, no antidote for it... no way to talk myself into rationalizing it away, whitewashing it into something harmless, or eliminating the long-term influence it had on how I created my self. It is small comfort to realize that others have experienced the same thing - and now, I'm thinking of a male, grade-school friend that I'm getting to know again after all these past years. Part of me knew he was gay back then and also knew how dangerous that was for him in those days - and part of me really connected with him anyway and liked him. We were misfits together and had fun; still do. I didn't know then that his mom and my mom had so much in common.

For sure, that piece of reality that choked me into anger, rage and self-destruction [I'm thinking of more than just bad habits with the term "self" destruction] can still be resurrected and new energy blown into it... if I choose. At first, I really didn't have much control at all and I was a walking hair-trigger. That was a lot of fun...    ::sarcasm::    I did a lot of apologizing during that phase. And feeling guilty; feeling like I was a basket-case... even with the tools I had been given... because I was still just beginning to learn how to use them. There were hopeless days; I'd come here and babble on & on about as many details of the injustices and outrages I'd suffered... not really realizing that the spewing of awfulness I was embarked on was really still... avoiding just coming out & asking for a hug... or empathy... or frendship. I wasn't at the point yet, where I felt empowered - that I had the right - to ask for anything for myself from others.

It was enough for a time, to simply know I was allowed to be this angry. A lot of it was off-loaded here; but I eventually started to feel that wasn't fair to others... it still had to go somewhere - so I indulged myself freely with pencil and paper. I was able to process - get past - so much of the indigestible emotion's impact on me simply by talking or writing it all out. I still process things better by talking about it - which was one of the things I wasn't allowed to do in the FOO. There really is an end to the anger, rage... even the "self" destruction. Even tho' the piece of reality that evoked it hasn't changed or gone away; I've sort of gotten used to it; resigned might be a better word. I know there's not a chance in hell, that I'll ever be able to change that one piece of reality and with the help of many here who reminded me as many times as I needed reminding (and that still happens!) that I can let it go - or I think I like Hops' phrase better - I release the outcome: I let that one piece of reality be what it is... and move on, direct my attention elsewhere, and no longer force myself to try to digest the indigestible.

The all-out anger phase really wasn't that long, for me. Like a supernova, the anger kind of burned itself out in a form of emotional exhaustion. Sure, current situations would trigger it again - more frequently at first; but then these too started to fade out. And I still have echoes... and the patterns of reaction in my brain are still there... but they are less firmly entrenched with each and every time I am able to respond differently; when I choose to respond differently.

The trickiest situation for me, is still having contact with my brother and my mother. I am the most vulnerable here to being blindsided and triggered back into the same outraged indignation. If my rational brain didn't tell me otherwise, sometimes I think they poke my anger in the eye with a stick just to watch me seethe, steam rolling out my ears in an impotent coniption fit ON PURPOSE. For fun - so they can point and laugh. That's how it feels to me anyway; but I know it's simply them... and whatever is wrong with them. It has absolutely nothing to do with me at all; it's all about them.

If I could go NC - I'd jump at the chance. As it is, I am very selective about how and when I interact with either of them. It's not foolproof - I've still been blindsided and taken my lumps - but it helps. I'm beginning to see that rather then having to protect myself, guard myself, against some awful thing they're going to "do to me"... I can just let them be - and just be ME the way I want to be. I can only control myself. Other people recognize them for what they are; other people recognize the dysfunction or lack of empathy or how difficult they are to deal with - or even converse with. As if they're on some parallel universe wavelength. I don't have to explain... and "what" they are doesn't stick to me... didn't get passed on me in my DNA or whatever. It truly is as if I were a changeling baby, fostered out to the village idiot family.

The difference between us? I care about how I impact other people. I like and want to connect with others. I don't have some fixed idea that relationships are all about who wins and who loses. I love other people... and even tho' that's still inhibited somewhat out of fear... I'm learning that by giving this love and kindness, it doesn't always follow that I'm setting myself up for another "trick" that I can't digest or will trap me.

I've taken up enough space on your thread, GS... hope there's something useful here in what I went through, for you.

[Gaining Strength]

There really is an end to the anger, rage... even the "self" destruction.

whew - what a difference - someone who understands tells me there is an end - and I believe you and have hope.

[I've taken up enough space on your thread, GS... hope there's something useful here in what I went through, for you]

You can't take up too much space on my thread - I gain so much from your posts.  You have no idea.

[Gaining Strength]

This is a little something stuck in my craw:

for Christmas, I knitted a scarf for my son's teacher.  It was quite pretty, a delicate and slightly intricate pattern made of a beautiful ice blue merino wool.  I spent quite some time working on it, beginning in early November (very early fro a last minute person like myself.)    Just a week before the last day of school an e-mail came out to the classroom parents that one of the mother's would be collecting $20 for a gift and we could drop it off at her mailbox by the last Monday.  I e-mailed back, politely declining explaining that my son and I had made other plans.  I have no idea how many parents contributed or didn't.  Anyway, the last day of school, I took the scarf, carefully wrapped during the mid-day party.  My son was overjoyed and proud.  The teacher was kind in her response and put it on and I went on my way.  That afternoon, the teacher sent out an e-mail addressed to all the parents that began WOW!  Won't we (my husband and I) be having a merry Christmas.  Thank you all for your generousity!.  I have no idea how much she received nor who participated.  It was certainly a nice gesture.  But I'm thinking - hmmm - open your wallet and drop the money off - 15 minutes - knit a scarf and carefully wrap it 40+ hours.  One gets a WOW acnkowledgement and the other - a wave and a "thanks".  Some how it just simply irks me.

I'm thinking about this as I work on yet another scarf - this one for my nephew who is in college on the west coast.  I called his father a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving to see if I could get my son and my nephew together for a lunch or a dinner while my nephew was here for 9 days.  My brother said he couldn't commit.  finally as the week approached, I called my brother again and he explained that my nephew would be too busy.  He always is.  Last summer his father brought him by for 5 minutes so that he could give my son a t-shirt.  they never sat down.  They will not be in town for christmas day not the week after because they will be spending it at their beach house - the one they have had for 15 or 20 years - the one I have never been invited to.  My nephew has no siblings and only two cousins - my son being one of them.  I sent my nephew an e-mail yesterday about a high school student we went on a bicycle trip with this weekend.  This young boy is looking at my nephews college and is interested in preceisely the same filed of study - mathmatics and aerospace engineering.  I thought they might enjoy getting together.  I haven't heard back from him and suspect I won't.  This sticks in my craw too.  I don't e-mail often.  None of my other messages have received a reply.  I thought this one might get some interest since it really had nothing to do with me or my son.  Who knows.

[sKePTiKal]

awww, GS...

that was such a thoughtful gift you made for your son's teacher. It sounds very pretty! Of all the things I know how to do - crochet & knit are the two I avoided learning like the plague. I guess I was told I was "all thumbs" or something. I still wear a scarf my DIL made for me a few years ago, even though she was just learning to knit then. My "adopted" family - hubs' - has always appreciated and gone out of their way to include handmade gifts. We draw names and make one gift and the competition is fierce and funny! It's a way to be "close" as family, too.... how well do you know the person, what they like to do, what they need. It's one of the things we're going to try to continue... MIL really liked this tradition and we all enjoyed it too. These are presents that get kept, many times.

I see that same motivation in your contact with your brother. It was a gesture of kindness and also a gentle way of expressing your wish to be connected. If I were you, I'd just keep on trying to do this and not let it turn sour, if you can. College age kids are notoriously self-involved and most won't spare a thought for younger relatives, like your son. They don't see the opportunity they're missing - only hear an "obligation". But your kindness and thoughtfulness and desire for connected family can be a present back you and your son - in itself. If more people were like this, the world would be a much better place! There are many things working against this simple, essential need though. And sometimes, it's easier to have this with "Phamily" than the bio-fam; lots of old stuff working there, you know? For everyone.

The way the universe works, I believe, is that like the law of conservation of energy... if you give kindness, openness and a willingness to connect... it WILL find it's way back to you. Maybe not where, when and how you expect it... but it does. And usually when you most need it!

[sKePTiKal]

Hi GS,

I wondered how this is going for you now... how did you do, through the holidays? Has the anger kind of let up & receded some, so that you can work on something else for a bit?

[Gaining Strength]

It has receded somewhat but I am tackling it from another front - magnesium and its calming effect.
Expecting relief in a week or two.
Thank you for asking.