What tactics did your Nparent use to hold you at bay?

[Anonymous]

What tactics did your Nparent use to hold you at bay?

My Ndad always made us walk across the room to kiss him goodnight - whether we wanted to or not. Then he would continue to sit back in his easy chair so we had to lean all the way over to him. He made no effort - he was the king.

Ndad came in the house after work at 3:30pm demanding dinner on the table immediately. No one else was hungry enough to eat that early, but he was so we all had to sit down and eat then. And if we got hungry later in the evening because we ate so early, we could not have anything, but the parents ate whatever they wanted. They were 'protecting' our figures.
This was an everyday occurance.

He would play the TV either way too low to hear, or way too loud.

He'll fit in well with the senior's early bird specials now.

[Witch_chick13]

I am a newbie here... this is so good for me to say!

then ; My Grandfather and father would use secrets as a way of making me feel special before I was sexually abused by g'father who then used the notion of secrets as a weapon for a childs mind who didn't understand.
My mother would often threaten suicide. ALL of my family, when told of the sexual abuse denied it and told me either I was mistaken or lying.

in the not so distant past ; My parents refused to acknowledge my bulimia and often asked what I had said in therapy... it didn't stop me from getting better!!!!

now ; they TRY to play thier games and my father still mentions my weight problems as a joke... mother tries to get me on side and then stab me in the back... slags down someone and tries to get my opinion... however the more I see the games the less I play and they HATE me for that, but they hate me anyway so what else could I do????

I am mourning the loss of my whole family presently.. they aren't dead, they were only an illusion which made me see hell... I am not going back there!!!!

[Dawning]

What tactics did your Nparent use to hold you at bay?

Trying to control every aspect of my life by forcing me to live in their shadow.  When I tried to move away, they would move away first (my father literally did this) and my mother threatened to leave me constantly.  They wanted me in their shadow but they didn't want to be intimate with me in a parent-child way - unless (in my mother's case) she needed something for herself.

[les]

Oh I remember the long walk to my father's chair.  Reading your post, guest gave me chills - that long walk, the impassive king waiting-

 The little twist was that my mother was completely in charge of communication and affection. Her very own Dep't of C and A. So after I kissed her good night in her chair (a story in itself, yuck) she would ALways, unfailingly say: "Now kiss your father goodnight." As if after so many years I might not.

 But I see now that because she decreed it, it couldn't be construed as actual affection for my father, it was a duty, she reminded everyone, including my poor drunk father that had to be performed , every night. Just figured that one out! The few times I showed  even a sliver of interest in my father, a word or two even, she was in a jealous rage. I was hers and no one else could share me. When I had boyfriends I guess she handled that by taking what she could from them too. I'd like to say more about this someday but it gets a little hard to handle. Need to feel a little safer i guess.

Les

[Anonymous]

I have read here many times that the N parent seems to be the conduit for all of the communication that goes on in the family. Is that because of control, to seperate and divide, to feel important and indispensible or because the N parent thinks that his/her children are an extension of themselves, or all of the above?

I recently got a missive from my mother (who I haven't spoken to in a long time) thanking me for writing to my two oldest siblings (I decided after all of these years that I should form my own relationship with them). She said....well, so you don't have time to write to me, thanks anyway for writing to ____ and _____. I felt like saying, _____and_____already thanked me. They are two discreet, individual people and you don't have any business thanking me like it was some paean to you. But I didn't say anything at all to her in return (what's the point anyway?).

Anybody care to comment?

[Anonymous]

I have read here many times that the N parent seems to be the conduit for all of the communication that goes on in the family. Is that because of control, to seperate and divide, to feel important and indispensible or because the N parent thinks that his/her children are an extension of themselves, or all of the above?

I recently got a missive from my mother (who I haven't spoken to in a long time) thanking me for writing to my two oldest siblings (I decided after all of these years that I should form my own relationship with them). She said....well, so you don't have time to write to me, thanks anyway for writing to ____ and _____. I felt like saying, _____and_____already thanked me. They are two discreet, individual people and you don't have any business thanking me like it was some paean to you. But I didn't say anything at all to her in return (what's the point anyway?).

Anybody care to comment?

[Nony]

I have read here many times that the N parent seems to be the conduit for all of the communication that goes on in the family. Is that because of control, to seperate and divide, to feel important and indispensible or because the N parent thinks that his/her children are an extension of themselves, or all of the above?

I recently got a missive from my mother (who I haven't spoken to in a long time) thanking me for writing to my two oldest siblings (I decided after all of these years that I should form my own relationship with them). She said....well, so you don't have time to write to me, thanks anyway for writing to ____ and _____. I felt like saying, _____and_____already thanked me. They are two discreet, individual people and you don't have any business thanking me like it was some paean to you. But I didn't say anything at all to her in return (what's the point anyway?).

Anybody care to comment?

[nony]

So sorry for posting multiple times here. I was trying to start a new thread.
I'm going to copy and paste this for a new thread. Again so sorry.