Hey Lighter... your questions are like a laser beam and seem (to me) to be getting at something extremely important and valuable. That beam is cutting through the confusion, the drama of he said - she said details that usually miss the point; the important bit of conflict at issue... and even through the emotional wishes, hopes, and if only's...
... it feels as if you're staring down all the "ugly", "mean" and "unjust"... and trying to draw some boundary lines in the sand for your own benefit - in new places, based on your core beliefs and values.
So, even if it seemed as though I was "pushing back" at you with my own questions... I'm only trying to show you another side of the same thing and I hope it helps; your comments so far are helping me. I do still struggle with how I participated - cooperated - or for whatever reason let myself be "used" in the kind of situation you're talking about. Even after my T told me that at 12 I couldn't possibly be held responsible for anything except surviving, with some of my self intact.
There are dramatic/traumatic scenes in my story that I profoundly regret; where I acted - as I believed at the time - on my own volition... I played a part in the whole drama - precisely because as far as "parents" there was no one acting in that role, at all. At the time, I didn't fully realize how I was being manipulated, gaslighted, neglected. I was flying by the seat of my pants with only the values, emotional maturity, and experience of a youngster. After the dust settled, of course I was blamed & shamed & gaslighted a lot more about what happened. Both of my parents were (differently) sick-o, wacked out, and so preoccupied with their war with each other that I resorted to desperate means to just to get their damned attention. And so I learned to be "careful for what you wish for" and "no good deed goes unpunished".
I have a tendency to feel that I'm partly responsible for how ugly things got. My T had to point out repeatedly - until I finally heard her through the fog - that at that age, I could hardly be expected to parent my parents... or to make informed, mature, adult-type decisions... and yet, when looking back at the whole horrible episode in it's totality... I really didn't do so badly for my age. She convinced me that there was a way to accept what I did - my actions in the little scripted disaster scene - and yet not beat myself up about the choices that I made at that time. I couldn't reconcile using violence to counter or stop violence; anger & rage to stop the passive-aggressive "cold war" of picking that could erupt into nuclear disaster at any time - and did, finally.
I don't think I'm an aggressive, violent person. But in that situation - to survive - I had to be. And I found out I could be, when pushed that far; who knew? But, just because I can sorta function intelligently and defensively in those kinds of life/death/possibly physically painful situations... still doesn't make me a bad person. And tho' I might have some residual fear about what I might be capable of - I don't fear the control of that "ability" in normal situations.
In my "kid-logic mind"... I had to absolve myself of responsibility in the normal sense of the word; and understand that while I could say, in most life-situations that kind of behavior is "bad"... in the situation I faced ... I a.) had no choice if I wanted to live and b.) there was hardly any time to even rationally "decide"... it was flight/fight time and I was just a 12 yr old trying to do the best I could. In those kinds of situations, people simply react - they don't search for the perfect, or ideal solution. What's not fair, is looking back and telling myself "I shoulda - coulda - woulda" or regretting - i.e. beating myself up over what I did actually do.
Maybe this has absolutely nothing to do, with what brought this topic and these questions up for you Light. But it's what I was led to thinking about... and I think what you're getting at with the question... is the difference between an "absolute" and a "situational" value. An absolute value of "bad" for lying... in every situation; always... would require hurting people's feeling sometimes. An absolute value about never - ever - physically hurting another human being...
... would leave one in a position of not defending oneself. I think it was Carolyn - a long while back - who helped me out with the biblical "turn the other cheek" problem... and said it didn't apply in life-threatening situations. I guess in those situations, the rule about "God helps those who help themselves" might come into play.
The thing is defining "life-threatening". Physical danger is easy to see, fits the definition. But the mental, emotional and psychological damage of living with a mentally ill or abusive person can also be "life-threatening". Especially over extended periods of time. It's just not not as visibly apparent.