Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..
Meh:
Throughout the day I think of things that I want to deposit here, some sort of little insights that came to me but tonight I seem to have forgotten whatever it was.
I question the usefulness of documenting such things because I never go back and read old posts that I have written, I never have time to, life continues to move forward like an assembly line in a factory plant where one piece has two pieces added and three pieces added and then four pieces, the parts are welded together and finished.
I mean when does something ever get removed in life in a GOOD way? I ask myself.
For me, this day, I feel very busy, Miss Do-Do list has taken control and that is good and bad. I need Miss Do-Do list to function and perform like a responsible adult that shows up at the right place at the right time. I also need to remind my SELF when to tell her to go on vacation.
She needs to take a vacation sometime this week.
Remember the Artist Way Dates?
I need a SELF date. Not just a "ME" date but some other version of self.
Today the director that I'm working with handed the grant back to me to show me her changes and she kept a lot of what I had written she seemed happy so I felt relieved about that. It didn't take her very much time to clean up my version.
A few times this week I have witnessed how people that I see as having some sort of important task such as the director still put their family first in a very BIG way. It's interesting interacting with these people because I don't relate with the world with the same priority set these people do because I don't have a "family first MO"
These people do things not to fill their lives up because they don't have family.
Maybe I am not doing these things to fill my life up. I mean I know that is not the whole motivation, yet there is a part of needing meaning that I don't have otherwise. (From other areas of my life)
When I have more time, I want to write about the "Insane" term in context of AA teachings.
I think this is applicable to Nar-people but I'm reluctant to use the term "insane" because it is a "judgment" and has clinical connotations at that.
Meh:
Today, my energy level is low, I have been noticing this lately when I'm menstrating, this didn't use to happen or maybe I wasnt pushing myself all the time. Anyways today was a slow day, I met with the housing director and did laundry, printed some papers off on a public computer and that is about it, I feel like I didn't do enough and that I am being judged every day and every hour of my life to cram as much as I can in. There is some major flaw in this, I guess for one because no matter what is happening in my life this is still my life to live out. When I run out of time on this earth, I probably will regret having lived like I'm on the bosse's time clock 24-7.
So my first grant was turned in this week (I hope). I was being emailed up to the last minute even at times when I wasn't scheduled to volunteer.
I had to question how much dedication and extra work I should put in or I want to put in, and also the reason why there is all of a sudden a demand for my time. I figured it was because the other groups were doing things at the very last minute that they could have done earlier and due to lack of organization. So I let it go and I passed it back to the paid staff and the director to deal with it since I was no longer in the office.
I had to question this a bit because I do want the opportunity but at the same time I still have other things I need to do.
Probably every thing I have to write about today is mundane. I ask myself, if I was married would I just tell that person all the boring mundane parts of my life and I don't know what the answer is at all.
In the last two days I received 4 "rejection" letters in the mail that I completely forgot I even sent applications in for. Oh well.
Yesterday I had an interview and I have another in theory next week. I'm so burnt out that I don't really give a sh*t any longer.
I'm just exhausted, I think it all catches up with me when I am menstrating I don't think it is the menstration itself.
Debating if I should go listen to music tonight, work or sleep or fix my computer. Maybe I will try to talk someone into going with me to listen to music!
Meh:
Heard roughly expressive Tom Waits like piano blues and singing the other night. I walked in with my pockets bulging with bulk chocolates, I adore the peanut butter cups & dark chocolate covered ginger chunks ummmm, I looked like I was pregnant with chocolates, I sat down by myself and it was 100% worth it even though I often feel like I am the only "only one". I could not have imagined more perfect music for that night, the only thing that would have made it better was if I could have sat in a dark little corner by myself.
Thinking about Miss Do-Do list and how she is not the doer.
Maybe "I" should not even be the doer--oh yeah that is right I have Mr. ( ) who is the doer, I for got about him.
Well thank god for Mr. blank because I did get something done-not perfected. But done.
Miss Do-Do list & Mrs. Perfect sometimes those two aspects get on my nerves.
Even if I don't make progress, I still have to get up and do.
There is the do-er the be-er the list-er the judg-er the distraction-er.
The distractionist is sometimes considered a huge seduction in Buddhist Phil. but I really love my distractioner because I think this is the most creative character and I think distractioner is close to the be-er. That is very circular.
I have to draw cut offs and lines with Buddhism I like distractioner. This is not the TV-watcher I call that the lazy-me. or something I can't remember it's name.
I'm not convinced that the distractioner is the same thing as the seduction away from mindfulness or that mindfulness is all that great.
Mindfulness is an option but I also think there should be a willful opt out of mindfulness in favor of the passion of distraction (wears a mascarade mask).
----
I forget how insecure my life is because it is too stressful to realize that every single day and pointless.
Thinking about how I practice voicefulness and how I shoot myself down for not being perfect in that practice.
Meh:
For some reason I thought I was going to master voicefulness, now I have realized that I'm only lucky when I find myself able to practice voicefulness if at all and that I will probably be practicing it indefinitely.
Seeing it that way also changes the way I think about what end purpose my practice leads to.
Maybe voicefulness is a daily exercise just like working out physically- I rarely feel achievement when I work out if I expect to be a comic book heroine super-woman.
------
There are some classes I will be taking as a preliminary to MAYBE get back into school. I don't personally care for the instructors personallity very much, she told me I should be thankful for anything at all, she vocalized her concerns that people use school-loans for drug money. That is fine that she has that personal concern and it's interesting that addictive personalities are that tenacious--but I'm not a substance user. I don't even take anti-depressants any longer. I take nothing except for lots of coffee with cream and sugar.
SO, I don't like this person and I don't care for the way she talked to me when I told her that the reason why I didn't completely fill out her survey was because I thought many of the questions were not applicable to me. Then she got pissy with me. These are times when I feel a bit voiceless --because there is a demand made on me that doesnt make sense to me AND she gets funded for having students in her class.
So I see her as being someone who is rude, judgemental, her degree is in something that has nothing to do with education or therapy and somehow during the class she plans to use what I think is some version of cognitive feedback.
I just have to get through the stupid class and try particularly to take in what I need to know about re-entering school and drop the rest of HER judgements and generalized ideas and opinions.
I hate it when I feel obligated to say something positive so that I don't appear to be a rebel or have interpersonal problems.
I do have a problem when an instructor demands complete compliance from students. I never learned that way, it is not selecting the authentic answer, it means giving them the answer they want to get back----and that is not good for a class like this --the classes purpose is not about wrong and right answers it is about exploring options for going back to college--And there are numerous avenues and subjects to focus on.
There were all these stupid questions on the survey about "Are you willing to change"
All I could thing was, that is a personal question and what exactly am I suppose to CHANGE.
I told the woman that I didn't feel like there was any personal thing that I needed to change really instead I just wanted to look into going back to school again and that it's been a long time since I have been in school.
She said to me "Well you must be doing something wrong and there is something that you need to change"----
SO I DON"T LIKE HER.
I feel like this sort of thing is a challege for voicefulness and that if I don't like the class it reflects poorly on me.
WHAT IF I'm UNIQUE IN SOME WAY? That makes the class a little off-topic for me.
The class is advertised as a reintroduction to getting back into school instead of a group therapy session. Personally I'm not comfortable with that because that is not what I need nor is it what I'm signing up for.
I picture in my mind being targeted as the "bad student" If I say : "I'm not ready to share that yet" or "that is personal to me and I don't wish to discuss it". And then the teacher getting pissed off.
SO I can set a boundary with the teacher? For me to be a student in my own way? Politely but without being harranged into responding in a way that goes along with her concept of me?
I don't know. It's not a regular class. They think people who have been out of school need to be brainwashed and reformed or something.
My mistake was I told her too much about myself to start off with without knowing her at all. I told her that I was in a temporary living situation.
I don't like people liberally making poorly thought out suggestions to me.
Well I don't think I can fail the class---you know what I don't need the added distraction in my life though of a person who sees themselves as having some sort of authority and insight into my life when they don't. I didn't really want this class to be a lesson in me setting boundaries- because I needed it to be a get-back-into-school class.
I find myself seeking to modify my own behaviour in off-the-subject ways just to avoid their personal style and to preserve my sense of boundary.
I have a need for boundary in this situation because I really want to target my own thinking rather then having some other person tell me that my thinking and living is wrong.
Sometimes I wonder if school is what really messes up people socially every thing is either good or bad, wrong or right.
The good and bad and wrong and right is determined by some person who is basing those judements on their own personal concepts instead of the class being about ME-finding a program that I WANT to spend my financial aid money on. It is my alotted money--it doesnt belong to any education instution yet and it does not belong to this teacher. I know she is trying to recruit people into her school but the class is not advertised that way.
I don't find her communication style to be especially helpful for me. If I bring up some area that I would like to pursue for example she will bring up cliche statements about the drawbacks of that occupation. In all the occupations I have been in the little cliche statements about the drawbacks to them didn't mean cr*p because every situation is unique.
Meh:
Problems just happen, sometimes a person (a self) has a hand in their own problems and sometimes not, sometimes problems are inherited or just stepped in unwittingly like a pile of dung, there it is on the shoe, tagging along stuck and stinking.
In between problems and solutions there is another space and I wish I could be in that space, sometimes I can get there easy and other times carving out that inbetween space is like carving my space out of granite rock with a very dull chisel and atrophied arms-- I'm tired and I want a break, an Alice in Wonderland mini-door to crawl through and out of a maze of concepts and people and words and advice. I just want to fish in a lake or some such activity where all a person does is chill out with no agenda and no problems and no solutions and no doing and no figuring and no working on it and no getting anywhere. Maybe just float over to the other side of the lake and back or not, it doesnt matter.
In my mind I have this green or yellow or blue house depending on my mood behind the house is a scary waterfall drop or sometimes the landscape is different, I think I would like a fishing lake somewhere near to the house but I don't design the house usually it designs it'self. My fishing lake is like a kid's lake, there are lilly pads that have little lighted lamps sitting on them for the frogs to play cardgames at night. There is my boat, a small wood canoe-ish boat thing that is directed by thought or will that way I don't have to row with my emotionally atrophied arms. There are cat-tails and maybe sometimes they are like night-lamps also because really the frog's lamps are quite small. There are fish that talk with be of course therefore the idea of proper fishing is out the window. It is more like here fishy fishy come have a chat with me for a while. There are happy fish and a big man-eatting catfish BUT maybe not a woman-eatting catfish- so I won't worry about it. There is a small fishing pond that continues on into a swamp with water growing trees and through the trees to the other side is the ocean and beyond that I don't know because I really don't feel that adventurous right now. In fact I might think my canoe ashore and drive it up to the house where the lights are on- the one that has a Mr. Badger for a butler or house keeper or house owner. I'm going to sit on Mr. Badger's sofa for a while in his house by the pond and listen to an opposum sing.
Hum-Very Wind in the Willow like night I guess. That is odd.
So back to what I was saying before Wind in the Willows hi-jacked by mind...
Some of the people around this place where I am wear me out no matter how nice they seem to be and struggling with their own stuff it's like every day I go to sleep and my mattress is some quicksand hole that sinks down to a place where maybe there are ladders out and maybe it just looks like ladders that maybe go nowhere in particular. That sounds dreary. Why shouldn't it?
I can authentically say that there is dreary here in my heart and in my life without it being self-pity. It's not feeling sorry for myself it's just a fact sometimes. Going to make a cup of fresh mint tea I think.
Night-Night
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