Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..
Meh:
I can stand up on my bed and look out this window at industrial buildings with towers and I don't want to go outside today. I can see a slide of brown shingles, water sheeting down over them. Fog in front of orange-yellow lights.
I don't have anything to write about really, I just feel so disconnected from a plan and a strategy and meaning and structure.
Recently I heard a statement "when we are in a position of weakness we don't make good long-term decisions". I'm trying to recall who said it.
Was it political commentary, I think it was.
I have people around me who will say "bless you" when I sneeze but I don't keep in touch with anyone any longer that I once knew.
When I first started writing on this Voicelessness Message Board, I was only about 50% sure that my mother might be a Nar-mother. After reading enough of other people's stories I figured that, yes my mother is exactly that. Then I started writing what I thought was my experience as a child growing up, and I questioned my interpretation of those childhood experiences. Recently I have been able to verify that my perceptions were accurate about my childhood.
The day is close to being over and I'm glad because I'm so darn tired today. I indulged myself and ate bacon and chocolate with my foodstamp money.
There is an older woman here who says that she has been working seasonal jobs at national parks for the last 10 years. She looks too old to be doing that type of work and she doesn't appear to be a passionate traveler she seems a bit "out of it". I think this sort of thing is OK for young people, college students but I feel that I'm passed a certain phase in life.
Meh:
I got connected with a group that helps homeless women, I was assigned a social worker who is a blond haired and blue eyed college student. She suggested that I go to a local church and ask for alms. This to me is one of the strangest things I have ever had any person say to me. It is like something from a movie, a very old movie, not year 2011. I will probably do this once I figure out how it is done, of course I'm mortified but if I do it a few times I could get money for a gym membership after I get a gym membership scholarship to reduce the price then I could go get on a treadmill and look out at the fog that way.
Being "poor" is really a lot of work, no one would believe it if they had not experienced it but it is a pain in the rear end just to get the most basic things taken care of. I don't even know what being "poor" in America really means because all of the women in the shelters I have been to have stuff and objects. They have stuffed animals and junk. The challenge is building a life when at this level.
I went through my paper work and found the tax returns for 2009 so I could try to apply for financial aid in 2010. Now it's 2011 and I would have to get my two months of tax return documents from 2010 to apply for financial aid. I drag my feet because I don't believe I can string things together. I'm also tired of trying to be someone I am not.
I have to think about this a bit more.
Really I feel like a creature with my tail nailed down to the floor.
Again, I would say I have to think about this a little bit more to decide if it's true or not but then on the other hand I've had people give me the advice "don't over analyze it".
Meh:
I don't know if I should write this or not, I think I have mentioned it before. I'm laughing as I write this, I get the feeling that my mother is into beastiality just a little bit. She has told me that she needs to take special care when she is washing her dog's genitals (Ha Ha) I'm laughing. It's so sad and strange. She gives me the creeps.
I know that there has been a prior message posted relating to the immaturity of nar-people's sexuality.
From what my mother describes she actually thinks she needs to stimulate her dogs genitals when she is giving it a bath??
I'm laughing because it is close to the weirdest thing someone could say about their mother. ? ?
Why am I writing this here?--Probably because it bothers me.
I thought I knew her....and then I thought "Who the hell is this person?"
I really don't know if this makes my mother a little weird or a lot weird or not weird at all.
I've heard from my mother that dogs have anal glands that groomers have to clean or something...but my mother explicitly has said she feels that her dog needs her to stimulate it's doggy parts ????
Oh, my god, I must seem like I am from the most f-ed up family. My mother dresses nice and has a long-career in a mediocre job and her co-workers like here quite a bit and all I can think is what if they could see the mother that I know? The person who truely has a demented relationship with her poodle? THAT person. That person that tells me to "shut up".
Oh well.
Meh:
What is real and what isn't real. That is something I have asked myself while I get re-acquainted with my mother's personality as an adult.
I ask that about myself also. There is probably no right answer to the question.
Even if I get clear about how I ended up exactly where I am, I wonder if that would give me any power to do things differently or not.
I think about how my mother's problems are not mine, even though she impacts me and interacts with me it still isn't mine.
I imagine that people my age shouldnt be so dirrectionless. I don't really understand myself at this point in life? I mean what defines me?
sKePTiKal:
Hello. I'm struggling with this, too:
--- Quote ---I mean what defines me?
--- End quote ---
I feel like an adolescent with an identity crisis, you know? I can describe a whole lot about the "outer" me... but it's not really "ME". I wish I could concoct some elaborate, wordy, pseudo-philosophical bullshit that might give me some clues... but unfortunately, this is the one time I find myself tongue-tied and silent.
I could... and perhaps it's all we're allotted (I don't know, in other words)... I could just accept the feedback that people tell me about me. Of course, my N-mom won't be one of the people I include in that focus group... but when other people tell me I'm "such and such" - well, if I trust their perception and their wisdom and etc... why should I doubt what they perceive about me? Maybe they're seeing me more clearly than I'm seeing myself.
But on the other hand... that's giving them a lot of power over my own self-image - how I see myself.
Where oh where is the middle path?
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