Despite having set up an autoresponder to reply to my parents with a block message, I still received the following new message from my CoN father last week. Most of what he says here is absolute lies, and more laying blame on me for his own shortcomings. His tone to me, a nearly 40yr old man - is like he is speaking to an 8yr old. His words are carefully crafted and laid to manipulate. I could write a long explanation, but for those who have read some of my former posts and know some of the history, what do you think? To me it was nothing more than adding insult to injury. My only 'recent action' was to send the gifts they left for my youngest child back to them at Christmas. I have never been aggressive toward my mother, in any way. Ever.
He has completely forgotten the number of times both he and my mother beat me with a belt or smacked me around. Or the number of times I was forced to console her and tell her she 'wasnt like her mother' while she cried, after she hit me. My father is the farthest thing from a religious person that there can be. The churchy talk below is lies. His pastor friend helped him to write this. Not a single word is misspelled, and articulates himself in a way that he himself cannot alone.
What blows me away, is his description of their youths: "because my father taught me by the buckle on his belt and the back of his hand... There was never any conversation or communication with words. Mom learned by the abuse of her mother and her dad's indifference." This is the EXACT treatment I LIVED from Nmom and him. He sat indifferent while she ran wild with all of her N tendencies, and on TOP of that, he beat me when he didnt know what to do, and did not communicate with me. What an INSULT that he conveniently forgets it all now.
He and my Nmother recently sought the counsel of a pastor who - according to someone I know who knows my parents closely - told them that they owe me no apology, and that they are owed complete respect from me, and they owe me none whatsoever - because they are my parents. This was the perfect excuse for them to become larger monsters, and to feel even more justified.
I want so bad to reply, if only with a one liner that projects some deep profound meaning, and at the same time, indifference.
He sent this not only to me, but to all of his friends and many of mine at the same time, which is infuriating and embarrassing.
Have a look:
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Son,
This letter will start off on a different note. I love you as a father loves a son.
I know that your feelings toward me at this current time are not the greatest. In fact, by your recent actions, your feelings may even be to the level of hatred. One of the main contributors to your feelings may be my responses, towards what I see as aggressive behavior, towards your mother, who is my wife of 41 years.
My feelings towards your actions and behavior have always been the same. It is only recently that I have taken the stand to do the right thing that I should have done many years ago which is to love, honor and protect my wife. As well as to be a good father and teach my son that honor and respect of his parents, is a God given expectation. Many go through life without it but I respected my parents and your mom's parents, no matter what. It was taught to me by my dad.
God expects us all to be Christ like, in that we would all have a heart of forgiveness. It is, however, my responsibility to love and forgive you, for your actions, towards your mother and me.
As your father, I also, ask your forgiveness because I was in no way perfect, in the way that I raised you. Your mother and I did the best job that we could. It has resulted in hurt and pain. You don't get a practice round to being a parent, as you well know, having three children of your own. One of the things that I failed to teach you was how to respect your parents and your elders. I chose to be easy on you because my father taught me by the buckle on his belt and the back of his hand. I didn't want to do that to you. There was never any conversation or communication with words. Mom learned by the abuse of her mother and her dad's indifference. Your parents are also responsible for teaching you to treat people kindly, to be gracious, and to be appreciative of other's sacrifices, and to communicate with other's to the best of their ability. This was something that I never was taught to do, use my words. When you were growing up our love for
you outweighed our responsibility to properly discipline you for your disrespectful words toward us as parents. We treated you as a friend, or close to an equal not OUR CHILD.
We now understand that discipline is part of love. Because we didn't teach you this when you were young, you may not understand or accept what I am trying to tell you now. But I must ask your forgiveness because I failed you in this area. I forgive grandpa, thankfully, but realized in the end that he was probably right to be rough.
As a result of my failure to teach you this as a child, I can understand where we are today. Sure, I agree with you that your mother and I can at times not be exactly what you want us to be. But I can also assure you that our actions toward you are completely out of love. We want to have a healthy relationship with you, but it seems there are differences in what each of us feel a healthy relationship is.
So what I am trying to say is that your mother and I would like to have a healthy relationship with you, but I also cannot accept your current behavior as part of that relationship. I apologize for the things that I have done wrong in the past. I cannot apologize for you or be responsible for your actions, anymore. You will have to take care of that yourself.
When you stated that our relationship cannot be the same from here on in, I agree. I never wanted our relationship to be what it is today. Relationships are meant to grow and mature. Ours has deteriorated and we need to do what we can to put it back together again. I am praying that we can not only repair the damage that has been done, and develop a much better relationship in the future together as a family and have a loving relationship as father and son.
Any time you want to take off the war paint, I will be waiting for you to sitdown and smokem peace pipe.
Love,
Your father
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