seastorm-thanks for the reply, as i'm going through hell right now. suicidal thoughts are in my head, even though i have no plan. I've been eating a lot and not exercising.
my parents are coming to visit this saturday and want to see my new boyfriend and my new place/roommate. Everytime before I see them, I'm a mess. I have suicidal thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares..horrible memories.
I've been blaming myself a lot. I'm so angry at why I put up with so much abuse not only from my family, but from others too. My boyfriend now is compassionate and understanding, and he makes the men I've met in the past look like monsters. I'm also mad at myself as to why I didn't tell these men to f*ck off. I stood there freezing and numb just giving in. Saying no felt like someone was holding a gun to my head.
What helped me get through my childhood? Denial, I guess.
Denial can be a lifesaver. Little kids are impervious to the nastiness of adults because of their innocence ie they don't recognize the ugliness because they don't have it in themselves. For myself, what got me through was developing the parts of myself that were not connected to my parents. My curiosity, my love of learning, creatiivity. I go back to these things to get my bearings.
Teacher and other therapists had blamed me and not suspected what was going on in the family. I lived life thinking everything was my fault and that my parents were normal. After all, everyone else thought that my parents were so nice and loving. I started to think that my perceptions were wrong and that I should be grateful for what my parents were giving me.
It is aweful when you doubt your own perceptions. Most people have not had to cope with what you did. They absolutely cannot relate to it. It is so important to go to the people who know exactly what you are talking about. Those who specialize in childhood sexual abuse and narcissistic parents. In Canada one can get free counseling through Women's sexual assault centres. They know the issues and the pain. How huge the pain is and they don't minimize it. People who know about the healing process for such trauma realize that the pain is almost insurmountable and consider that a normal reaction to traumatic events. It is dreadful to tell your story and then have someone think you are demented for even thinking of such a thing. They are beyond clueless. More important they are not safe. Better to tell your story where it is safe.
It's weird hearing others saying my childhood is nightmarish. My parents, my ex-boyfriend and a few other Indians I've encountered say that it's fine and that I'm being a spoiled brat for complaining. I recall a therapist from my family's culture saying that my mom is very liberal. I tried to explain to her that my mom is very controlling, but this dumb b*tch with a doctorate degree didn't understand. She was convinced that my mom was "so liberal" compared to other Indian moms. A liberal mom lets her child exist as her own individual self. My mom controlled how I was supposed to feel, how I dressed, my hair, my makeup, my weight, my choice in friends...I was supposed to be her mini-me. how the hell is that liberal?
Ugh..some of these therapists make me so angry.
Not any therapist can handle the issues of sexual abuse that you have. I'm a therapist and I know that about other therapists. You have to get one that specializes and is hightly trained to understand. Or join a group for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. They are very wise about the truth of it.
Given that you are so triggered by seeing your parents it might be a good idea to keep your distance. You deserve to be safe and you are entitled to be safe emotionally and psychologically. I used to try to keep up the hope that things would change but they are so powerfully entrenched that they never will and I sure don't have the magic powers needed to change them. I went to AlAnon and learned that I can only change my self. I can let go of them. This is not an easy thing to do but it helps to keep me from feeling suicidall.
I sometimes get anxiety attacks and they are dreadful. Now I use a method called Tapping to diffuse them. It works. You can learn it on YouTube. I mean this helps when you feel like jumping out the window.
I hope I don't sound too preachy. I have worked a lot with survivors of childhood sexual abuse. They can't get help from regular friends and aquaintances. The world may see your family as normal and your mom as lovely but they are not equipped to see the dark side. They never can validate that reality for you. And it was very real and very sick. It is a wonder you survived.
As for their visit ... no wonder you feel suicidal, which means overwhelmed, helpless, frightened, powerless and feeling like a four year old. That is a NORMAL reaction. You are expected to make nice and keep up the false front. It is way to much for your psyche. Trust this feeling. It does not mean you are crazy. It is trying to tell you something. It is trying to tell you that you are not safe with these people. That is allowed.
Blessings,
Sea storm
