Bothered and Bewildered

[cgm1028]

Hi Everyone:

Sorry that I've been MIA for awhile, but the last few months have been rocky.  My NM passed away suddenly in the beginning of the year and we are all coming to terms with it.  Your kind condolences are appreciated, but not necessary.  Honestly (and where else can I be completely honest about this) all I feel is a sense of peace and relief.  Its over.  All the angst, anger, sadness and frustration I always felt has been lifted and I feel free in a way I have never experienced.  If I have one regret, it is that now there is no way to ever get NM to see and to understand how she tortured me all those years.  Yet, it no longer seems to matter.  As I said, its over.

There is one matter that cropped up recently and I am at a lose as to how to interpret it.  In going through NM's things, I came across a memento box.  I'm sure we all have them.  Bits and pieces of our life that are too precious to trash, but not exactly something to be displayed.  I found the usual items, her birth certificate, her marriage license, old pictures, letters from long-lost friends and several handmade cards to her from my brother.  You know the type, ones that were done in school for Mother's Day and a few I remember helping him make for her birthday.  There was even a lock of his baby hair.  What do you ask was her memories from me?  Bills.  That's right, copies of bills she paid on my behalf.  For example, the doctor's bill when I got my tonsils outs, the bill for my braces, the bill for my wedding shower, etc.  All the money she spent on me throughout my life was the only thing in that box (beside my birth certificate) that proved my existence.

I know my brother was her GC, I've know that since the day he was born.  But there was not one silly childish drawing, not one handmade card that I did for her and trust me I have memories of making them.  For some reason - maybe I'm blocking out the obvious here, but I am at a loss and was hoping you wise women can help me worth through this.

Thanks in advance.

[Twoapenny]

CGM, I am at a loss, I still struggle to understand how these people behave and why they do the things they do.  My mum has done so many weird things that make sense to no-one - not even her, I don't think.  So I won't try and give an answer, just extend a hug and some love your way.  ((((((((((((((((CMG)))))))))))))))))))))))))

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((((((((((CGM))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I understand your confusion and bewilderment completely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

Well, sometimes it's better to just let the mystery be a mystery and not attach any meaning to it - good or bad - whatsoever.

If it were me coming across that box - this would be the final "proof" for me, of what I endured. Why wouldn't matter... but then the question changes and you have to decide whether to keep all these bills... or have a little bonfire.

[sKePTiKal]

Yeah, guest - I'm a little primitive about fire... it's purification of sorts for me. And also the essential element in forging steel.

[Hopalong]

Hi CGM,
I relate to the relief or lack of anguish (and the freedom). You have my sympathy but I understand you did virtually all your grieving long, long ago.

I'd say she was locking up evidence of her "love" for you. Distorted, but probably the best she could do. I believe some Nmothers do a special kind of rejection of their daughters that is excruciating....has everything to do with their lack of a self (so why would a female child, their little mirror--be quite recognized?). Sexism is one offshoot of all sorts of Nism things, I believe. Internalized is almost the worst.

I'm happy to write you an "Rx for Healing This". I think it could work. But you can toss the idea too....it felt good to write.

1) pack up the brother-baby cards and hair and mail them to him if you are in contact (if not, don't worry about it--NOTE: you are going through her things, alone). With a photo if you won't miss it.

2) Keep a couple photos, the birth certif and medical records you will be helped by.

3) sit down with some paint (not markers, you deserve paints) and do a couple paintings as that little girl

4) wrap a few of the leftover bills up in the painting you feel most connected to and make it a beautiful little package. What a love-gift WOULD look like.

5) put the packet in a deep hole in the yard or at the bottom of a great big planter. Plant something in it that will bring your heart delight. A really nice plant.

You would have taken pain, surrounded it in love, connected it to nature, used it for creativity, and allowed it to heal into new life, new form.

xo
Hops

[cgm1028]

Thanks Gals for your wise words.

I've decided to pack up the things for my brother and send them to him.  I know he'd want to have them and I have no issues with him.  I practically raised him and we have always been very close.  Then I'm going through the rest and keep the important/legal papers. And then I'm taking PR suggestion and burning the rest.  I have always find fire cleasing and cathartic and it would be a perfect way to "release"her once and for all. 

Its been an interesting few months and so different emotionally than when I lost my Dad.  You're right Hop I mourned the loss of a mother a long time ago after my own kids were born and it became crystal clear EXACTLY what type of mother she was.

To sum up what I feel in one word would be "triumph".  I survived and no matter how she tried to break me to conform to her narrow, hateful world I rebelled.  I stood my ground and fought for the life I wanted to live.  My marriage is happier, I have a successful career of my choosing, I have friends who truly care for me and my greatest achievement of course, the closeness I have with my children, who live their lives on their terms with their proud Momma cheering them on.

She can't touch me any more - I WON!

[Twoapenny]

You have won, CGM.  You triumphed over all of it, got out of the web and made your own life and did it brilliantly.  It always amazes me how people who've been brought up so badly go on to make such good parents - you'd think it wouldn't be possible, but it is.  Your kids are lucky to have you - hold on to that and know that, when the sad time comes and they are sorting out your affairs, they will be smiling at the little pictures and trinkets of theirs that you kept and knowing how much you loved them.

I hope you get through this last little obstacle quickly and can get back to enjoying your life and you kids.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((CGM)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[lighter]

::raising hand::

You know I'm for the bonfire.

Purification. 

Relief.

Moving on.

Your mother couldn't do any better than she did.  If she could have, she would.

She just couldn't.

Lighter

[gratitude28]

CGM,
Guest wrote that the bills might be "proof that she cared for me." I think that might be true. I know my NM does not like much about me. So I am sure she keeps a tally in her mind of what she has done for me in order to prove that she "likes" me. I know she doesn't much like dealing with me at all. While she will call my sister daily, I get calls only when others are around to hear them - sweet, overtop calls about once a month that make you want to gag.
I think, as you pointed out, the hardest thing for you to come to grips with, is that she will not be there to ever see what she has done. You will never have that closure. But, frankly, she could have lived to be as old as Methusela, and she never would have felt she did anything wrong. I think about that often with my NM. Their reality is just not that of a caring human.
(((((((((((((((((((((CGM))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Lots of love,
Beth

[cgm1028]

Your right about NM never owning up to her behavior.  I think it was in Dr. McBride's book that its always the families of narcs who come in for help.  The narcs themselves never see themselves as the ones with the problem.

So I shipped off my brothers mementos, kept the important documents and burned the rest.  As many have pointed out there will never be an answer to the question and no reason to keep them around.  It was another step of releasing her from me.

When her estate is settled and don't have to think of her ever again.

[Baddaughter]

Dear CGM:
My sincere condolences on the passing of your mother and hope you find that the feelings of peace and contentment you feel grow and grow!  An insight into what is an important treasure to a narcissist -- my mom passed last year and my dad this. GC bro deprived of us of any of the closure of "going through" mom's things.  So we didn't experience any of what you describe.  At least that was a blessing too -- just another slap in the face but we were not a slave to her and her precious belongings  in the end.  The main thing I feel deprived of is the Truth, the Answers, to the questions, like the behavior you describe.  The truth never existed for them anyway and would be impossible to piece together now -- so I'm letting it all go and finding a new freedom and new happiness.  I hope it gets better and better for you! 
Love, Biddy

[cgm1028]

Thanks Biddy!  I appreciate your kind words.