I don't think I gave up either, Hops. I just sorta got out of the way. There've been some echos of the old " I'm doing something really bad" feeling... but they've been mild & a little rediculous.... patently absurd. Credit goes to my SIL, and where she is on her path and our ability to talk to each other... I won't go so far as to say we have a relationship; my tendency to NC with that family unit prevented that.
But it was her work, when she said: they're married to each other; I just live here and I know I can't change that.
Something in me felt that; felt the finality of it for her and in the space of hours I came to feel that same acceptance myself. At that point I also knew the finality of it... and yes, I could release the outcome. Yes, my brother's bait & switch still made me angry - though he still doesn't know that - and yes, I've been "hooked" into obsessing over it again. From this perspective, I can finally see that this is the nuclear waste, radioactive emotional toxins of being involved with them. It's never safe for me, you know?
For the past 2 years, running into the same toxins over business topics with my brother, part of me was logically supposing that my brother would've changed; he's 52 for god's sake... he's had a moderately successful coaching career... surely he'd "changed". But no. In the first 6 months, I experienced a full-on "terror of the situation" vision of how little he'd changed and relayed that to the trustee in a lengthy letter (even for me). The trustee has vented his own frustration at the level of P-A that is the controlling & delusional side of my brother to me. Together, we have been patiently trying to wear him down or get past bro's obstructionism. However, trustee does have to maintain a relationship with both of us, so I've contracted with another group of advisors - which trustee repeatedly encouraged me to from the beginning - to help me define the options open to me, which are in my best interest. I am now pursuing those, with due diligence and as much speed as is comfortable without losing the time to thoroughly review and consider.
If my brother doesn't even recognize that she is my mother as well - and that the doctor recommends only what he thinks is in her best interest - how can I engage in the necessary give & take (with any trust) that is required for business? I am terrified - absolutely terrified - that the level of his P-A will eventually interfere with the business. Terror, for me, is a great clarifier and motivator. So while he thinks he "won" this time, I'm busily preparing my own position, doing all the what-ifs, considering as many possible outcomes that are fair and equitable... to avoid a deadlock in the business and still protect myself and all the people who work at the business.
And by the way - the results when you tell a P-A "no" are very, very similar to telling an N no; except they may not have an anger meltdown right then & there... they'll resort to other strategies to pull the rug out from under you... make it abundantly clear that you don't matter and that they are in control. And they have an arm's worth of excuses for that, to back it up too. Because they think - just like Ns - that they're "special" and different and that they can do what they want with no consequences... comfortable within their delusion of control.
And they don't expect someone they think they control to do anything except implode, self-destruct; or give up. SURPRISE.
Yippee-Ki-Yay....
