EMDR making me worse, don't know what to do

[nolongeraslave]

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[sKePTiKal]

Hi NLS... I heard ya!!

And even though it doesn't feel like it right now - it WILL GET BETTER. Hang on to that - tight.

Right now, you're a little like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz caught up in the twister and it's all coming at you too fast.... it's OK that you can't sort it all out in a flash, separate the various feelings into categories of OK Monday, I'll deal with this... Tuesday, that.

It WILL be OK... so, some things you can do for yourself to get through this:

It's simple and doesn't seem like it's even worth trying... but it works so well, I still practice this: sit somewhere comfy... keep your feet on the floor and hands on your knees - or loosely touch your fingertips together cupping your hands in your lap. Take one huge really big breath IN... hold it just a second... and then slowly let it out. Feel your toes... let them relax...

Then, breathe in slowly and out slowly.... pay attention but don't make the breathing an effort (too big or fast)... just keep thinking slow... and from your toes on up your body, give yourself a command to relax all the muscles... until you start to feel like jello... warm, comfy, and cozy. And this is what you keep bringing your mind to:

feeling your body - SAFE
feeling your breathing - relaxed and calm

This is your "magic" safe place and you can come here and be here as much as you want or need to. Even during the day, you can take a minute or two to give to your SELF this kind of calming, safe "time out" from all the big things swirling around you. You can control this... and with practice, it becomes very, very easy and you'll find you need less time to recover your equilibrium.

You are centered in your body - your body is safe.
You are able to control the content of what you think about - you are not completely at the mercy of runaway thoughts or memories.
You are able to intentionally, consciously choose to allow yourself a "time out" from the overwhelm - you are in control.

There's more ideas - but this is my all-purpose, never fails - emotional overwhelm "first aid".

[Twoapenny]

(((((((((((((((((((((NLS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sometimes it's like this.  Sometimes when you've held onto stuff for years - especially when things have been so bad you've blocked them out completely - it can come out like a volcano.  Sometimes the pain is so bad that it feels like dying would be better.  I can't tell you how many times I've wished I was dead, how often I've cried so hard I've felt like my chest will crack, how many times my heart has truly felt completely broken.  But everytime you let a bit out, every time you give it room to breathe, look through it, work past it, it gets a little bit easier.  And eventually there's less to come out, and when it does come it's not so much and it's not so difficult to manage.  There are things I do to help with these periods.  Probably won't help much at the minute as you're already in one, but might do for next time.  I keep a supply of herbal rememedies, like Kalms and Rescue Remedy.  Things that you can buy over the counter, relatively inexpensive and easy to get hold of.  I just find it helps take the edge off things and calm me down when things are really bad.  I try and keep a few easy meals either in the freezer or in the cupboard, just so there's something to eat that I don't have to spend time cooking or shopping if I'm feeling really bad.  Some favourite books or movies, so I can just curl up and block it all out with something safe and familiar.  And then I retreat to my bed, or the sofa, and just give myself some time to let it go.

It's hard to let things go instantly.  Sometimes you need to hold on to the anger and the fear and bitterness and work through it.  Over time it gets easier.  It can be hard for other people to understand if they haven't been through it themselves.  Hang in there.  Post loads, pour it all out on here to keep you going until you see your T.  I bet everyone on here has been where you are now - and come out the other side.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((NLS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Lollie]

((NLAS))

I'm sorry this is happening. You've already gotten some good advice. Here are some things I do to cope with flashbacks.

Yes, as PR said, breathe.
Tell yourself you are an adult now and you are SAFE. Say it out loud, write it down, repeat it over and over again. You are an adult now with a whole set of skills to keep yourself safe that you didn't have as a child. You are safe NOW. At this very moment.
Take a nice hot bath.
If you are more of an active person, you can go for a brisk walk or go to the gym.
Journal about it. Write it out.
Reach out to others who understand -- here is great. Is there a friend IRL you can call?

I'm not sure why you don't have your T's phone number. If you can get it (google him or the office he works for), it may be a big help to check in and talk about what you're going through. Even a 5 minute conversation with T can go a long way toward helping you feel safe.

Please check back and let us know how you're doing.

Wishing you peace,
Lollie

[Twoapenny]

NLS - my advice would be not to do anything about anyone at the minute.  You are in a truly, truly difficult place and changing your external situation won't change that - it may even bring in more problems for you to deal with - which I think is sometimes why we do it, because it means being able to focus on something other than that awful pain.

Don't email your principal.  There is very little chance that he will do anything positive and may well blame the whole thing on you or claim you are making it up.  You don't need that at the minute, you already have enough to deal with.  Write him letters that you don't send, to get it out of your system, but don't mail him anything.  Focus on you, not him.

Don't contact your boyfriend any more today.  I know how hard it is, but every time he ignores you it will make you feel worse.  I don't know what the situation is at the minute, but you need to focus on you, not him.

Your ex is an arsehole.  You don't need to prove anything to him, your mum or anyone else.  You haven't done bad things, you've had bad things done to you, and that isn't your fault, NLS, there are some sick, twisted, nasty people in the world and they do bad things to people just because they can.  There's no rhyme or reason to it, it's not down to you or anything you've done, you were just very, very unlucky.  When your parents aren't protecting you you are vulnerable and that vulnerability stays with you.  But you are changing that.  You're working through all of this, you're pulling off all this stuff that's held you back and made you feel bad and peeling away all the crap you've been brainwashed with.  And underneath it all is NLS, sweet, brave, smiling NLS who will get through all of this and come out of it the other side healthy and happy and feeling sooooo much better about the world.  Your ex will still be an arsehole but it won't matter because you'll know your own truth and whatever crap he spouts, you'll know it isn't true and you won't worry about it.

Cry the tears.  Let them out, even though it hurts.  They clean you out from the inside and take away some of the pain and it does start to feel better.  Don't think about your mum and her thoughts on your relationship.  It scares me that she says 'we' can find someone else.  Focus on you, you, you - not anyone else.  Your thoughts, your feelings, your pain, your anger.  It's part of you, part that needs to be heard and listened to. (((((((((((((((((NLS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Twoapenny]

Crying's never a sign of weakness.  It's a normal, healthy human emotion to pain, happiness, exhaustion, frustration, all sorts of things.  It's as natural as breathing.  And I believe a normal reaction to seeing someone cry is to, at the very least, respect that they need to do it and allow them too.  Your principal sounds like a bully.  His reactions weren't kind or empathetic, they were harsh and unnecessary.  I hope your shower and time at the gym help.  Keep focusing on you.  Keep pulling it back to you.  It will get easier.

((((((((((((((((((((((((NLS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[sKePTiKal]

Hi NLS...

I'm just checking in to see how you're doing today. Did you manage to sleep any last night? How do you feel today?

You really don't need to apologize to me (us) for your flashbacks, you know! Many of us still deal with them - and they DO lose their intensity the more you expose them to fresh air, sunlight, and talking them through. Eventually they stop or go away; at least decrease in frequency - and there is peace from them. But right now, those events are like an infection in you... and as long as the wound is covered up by a bandaid, it'll continue to fester, ooze, and not heal. (((((((((((NLS)))))))))))))

What you're going through is about as far from pleasant and bearable as it gets. My advice would be to "let the flashbacks be" what they are... notice what your feelings are... and try to refrain from piling "shoulds" on top of yourself  -- (and if you do find yourself doing this - don't worry about it; it's quite normal). There is no right way to deal with this... no right emotion to feel while going through it... no right way to BE. I found that I was getting in my own way and creating additional obstacles to work through for myself, thinking I did something wrong in those past events... that somehow it was all my fault. That's one of the dangerous flaws of "Monday morning quarterbacking" myself, you know? I still tend to do this, way too much.

I agree with you about the difference in wounds - that the bullying, not being believed, and even being punished for being a victim - is waaaaaaaaaaay worse, than enduring even sexual abuse. I unfortunately can compare the two, myself. But it's no longer possible to address the injustice with the principal at this late date. Emotional abuse takes a more invisible, and to my way of thinking, harder to heal toll on a person - especially a young person. But just like sexual abuse, in time, it's possible to see that situation as something really, really bad that happened to you - but that doesn't control you now.

You CAN work through the events and the feelings and eventually learn to let it go. It doesn't happen quickly, and that's really hard to explain; especially to the people who care about us and who want nothing more than to relieve the misery we're experiencing. Letting go can take a long time... or it can happen in a flash... and maybe both are true about the process... but the one thing I know for absolutely sure is that this is a highly unique, personal process. Your letting go is going to be way different than mine. You'll have to find your own way and maybe your T can help.

But you will get there! And it will get better! I'm glad you have an appointment with your therapist today... you've got a LOT to talk about! And that's going to help relieve the overwhelm you were feeling, I think.

[Lollie]

NLAS,

I'm glad that you got to meet with your T. It sounds like you're feeling better. I hope that's the case.

I just wanted to put this out there: If you feel as if you are constantly being flooded with flashbacks/emotions/memories and are having difficulty functioning, you have the right to tell your T to slow down. It really is a delicate balance when you're processing this stuff. You want to be able to slowly and safely be exposed to your memories and work through them, but you also don't want to do it so quickly that they exceed your present coping skills. (I hope that makes sense.)

Please take care!

L.

[Hopalong]

(((((((NLAS)))))))

I haven't read the entire thread because I'm at work, but I wanted to pop in with two things:
EMDR is something that gets deeply into the mind, though literal neural pathways. I believe strongly that if it is triggering or re-traumatizing you, you should STOP IT NOW.

NO therapist or modality is wiser than you are. There are many very enthusiastic practitioners and recipients of EMDR therapy. It may be a wonderful modality and very healing for many people. It has not been around long, has not been extensively studied (about 10 years is not a long history for psychotherapeutic techniques) and my hunch is, it may be destabilizing for some people.

So please, respect your own intuition. This is NOT working for you. And you do not need to have a "scientific argument" for either why it works, or why it doesn't work. You are you, not anybody else.

Anything that's making you THIS upset, even with suicidal thoughts, is NOT contributing to your wellbeing. And you do not have to be a passive consumer of whatever technique somebody has advised.

(I am not saying it's not a real therapy. I might try it myself one day. But right now, it is NOT working for you--it may even be harming you--and you are a person who can make that decision.)

Respect yourself! Your "self" is screaming at you about this. I hope you will stop it if that is what you want to do.

And this is to cheer you up a little:
http://www.aolnews.com/2011/03/18/youtube-hero-australian-boy-casey-heynes-body-slams-his-bully/

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

NLS, where abuse is concerned I think there is usually more anger focused at the victim rather than the abuser.  I remember reading one theory that it's about people, in general, needing to have control over their lives in order to feel safe.  So if/when something bad happens to someone, they look for something about that person they can blame - then it means it wasn't a random act, you weren't just unlucky and it therefore can't happen to them.

The truth is, of course, that it's just how it is.  If you'd been born to different parents, raised by different people, rescued from it all at some point things would be very different now.  But you weren't; you've had to cope with awful things and of course they have an effect.  Anyone who thinks abuse doesn't harm people is an idiot.  But it makes people feel safer if they can lay the blame at your door.

I got burnt a lot of times when I revealed things about myself.  I learnt only to talk to people I really trusted.  When it comes to the sexual abuse, I discuss it with my T and no-one else.  People know I was abused, but no details.  I leave it with her, where I know it won't go any further.  I think the whole path to coping and getting better is about trying different things.  Some will work, some won't.  You know now that not everyone is sympathetic.  That's okay, it means you reveal things to people who support you, and that helps.  EMDR may or may not be right for you.  You can try something else, leave it, come back to it, whatever suits you best.  It's you in control of your life now, you making the decisions and you putting things in place.  It takes time, but you get there, little by little, even though sometimes if feels like two steps forward, a thousand steps back.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((NLS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Twoapenny]

Hi NLS,

Glad to hear that you're feeling a bit better.  Try and focus on what makes you feel better, not what other people tell you should or shouldn't.  If the meds help, take them.  Sometimes people mean well when they tell you not to do stuff, sometimes they are trying to sabotage your recovery.  People are easier to control when they're struggling to cope and their head's in a mess.  I'm not trying to cast aspersions where your mum is concerned but she might not have your best interests at heart.  I know if my son was telling me that meds helped him feel better I would encourage him to take them.

You are right about telling people no-one likes them being horrendous.  It's a sort of passive aggressive tool - no-one likes you, you're worthless, no-one wants you around so you'll have to be with me because no-one else will have you.  It's not true.  Good people tell you good things about yourself, they make you feel good.  It doesn't mean they always agree with what you say, but they won't tell you things just to make you feel bad about yourself.  At least you are seeing what they did as being unacceptable - I think that's a great step in the right direction.

I hope the yoga helps a bit today.  I hope the meds keep you on an even keel and that the next few days get a little bit easier, bit by bit xxx

[Twoapenny]

Good for you, NLS.  It's really, really important that you deal with all of this in a way that suits you and you can manage.  I've tried umpteen things over the years - some have worked really well, some less well.  Personally, what I've found most beneficial about talk therapy (the old fashioned kind!) is that, not only have I had somewhere safe to talk about things, my T has helped me define my boundaries and basically done a lot of the parenting that my parents didn't.  I don't mean that in a weird therapist/client over-stepping the boundaries way, but she has just kept reiterating that I should respect myself, trust my instincts, be more forgiving to myself and demand less (one of her constants is "It's good to be average!").  She's helped replace negative, critical messages with positive, constructive ones and, in terms of living a better life, I think that's worth its weight in gold.

Hope that things have/continue to level out a bit for you.  Hang in there! ((((((((((((((((((((NLS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))