Training: mind-body-emotions + intention

[sKePTiKal]

So I started getting this idea a while ago. At whatever stage of "healing" I'm at... it's now time to stop separating my emotional well-being from my mind (it's weaknesses & strengths in old thought-patterns) and my physical well-being. It sure was easier to understand how each one was operating independently, impacting the other areas in my life, and tweak certain things to "normalize" (a database word which means to make compatible and consistent) each area individually FIRST, with the ultimate goal of making them all work together - again. I was 11 or 12, the last time I was all that integrated.

One thing I never seemed to lose, was my ability to see connections in apparently unrelated things and then synthesize them into understanding. I tried to put that skill to use in art - but what came out was rather scary to everyone because my unconscious self was trying to tell Twiggy's story. I could accept it, but I freaked my professors out I think. That stuff wouldn't sell, either. Even when I tried to symbolize or tell other stories (illustration) to be able to externalize the feelings. That's what voice is for - I just didn't know it, because I wasn't allowed to speak my feelings; I wasn't supposed to even have feelings like that as a child. I've been dealing with denial of me - the reality of me - for a long time.

With this topic, I'm going to try to synthesize, yet again. I know that my unexpressed emotions use my body to get my attention. The old shoulder injury - that body memory - has faded away and hasn't bothered me in a long time; not even with my recent dip back into dysfunctional reality with my FOO.  Tai Chi gave me a way to practice being serene, calm and in control of my body (even if the kicks were challenging)... it helped immensely with anxiety/fear - because I knew what I could do to defend myself or avoid attack within my own muscles and skin. But do I practice this? Nope. And the reason is, that I feel foolish and embarrassed that I've left my practice slide so far - shaming myself. I think this might be connected to my old taboo about not ever letting myself have things, do things that make me happy... feel good, too. I'm well programmed to punish myself, in so many ways though.

And that, in some weird way is connected at a deeper level, at least subsconsiously, to the disturbed-avoidant attachment style I grew up with. Amber's needs/wants don't matter + Amber doesn't matter -- to the MomBro dyad. I am not a part of that; there's no room for 3 - just 2. So I withdraw with my rejection feelings... that grows into resentment/anger... and each and every time I must interact with the MomBro or each one individually... it's an experience akin to putting my hand back on the hot burner. I get conned into having this interaction, via empathy, "helping" or "fixing", or supporting their delusion of having a relationship with me. I know I don't have a relationship with them; I don't lie to myself like that; I don't believe my own "if wishes were horses, then I'd be riding" bullshit. Even when I do what they ask me to do I am rejected and tossed aside, as if that were the WHOLE POINT of the interaction for them, anyway. I take that out on myself physically. I know this is what my attachment to smoking is really all about; I know how passive-aggressive that is.... and think there's light at the end of the tunnel now, for changing that -- training.

It was my dad's estate trustee, who originally pegged bro as P-A. Together, he and I have been attempting to get bro to make a reasonable (and not difficult) decision regarding a piece of real estate, for about a year. Despite the circumstances bro is currently dealing with, I asked the trustee to propose this decision again, because bro won't talk to me - blew off my invitation to look at business cashflow to pull off his deception about mom's care. I also explained a bit about my weekend with MomBro and what the consequences/results were. I suggested that perhaps bro's P-A was more than just a behavior; that it's a PD. I was calm, clear and rational explaining how it all ties together and I kept things simple, too; readers digest version. The trustee has expressed being frustrated to me about Bro in the past. Part of the reason I disclosed this drama to him, is because I have business and legal responsibilities - in the event my brother divorces or the stress of what he's created for himself - with mom's help - falls apart at the seams. And of course, I was hoping for validation and an ally. After all, in 6 months, the estate will have been active for 3 years; it's past time to close it.

I'm still processing the trustee's brushing aside my interpretation of the drama and the reasons for it, as "I see all kinds of family disagreements about elder care, like this." Disagreements? Excuse me?! Deliberately choosing to ignore a doctor's recommendation is a disagreement? Minimizing and dismissing my input/explanation into the dynamics of that dark, sick weird relationship as a disagreement? I called it dysfunctional, explicitly. I have not yet said the words emotional abuse, because I know it makes people very uncomfortable to come in contact with any reference to it. They're afraid they'll get some on them... they're afraid of people's anger about it; they're afraid they'll be involved in something bigger than it looks.

So. In order to conduct business in an effective and timely fashion, I need a competent business partner - not someone who won't even talk to me, even though I've gone to effort and expense to "help him out" with what he needed, even though it turned he needed nothing. I need someone who understands the topics we need to talk about - not be put in a position each and every time, to create an explanation understandable to a grade schooler (on top of summarizing what the decision consists of again, because he's forgotten during the explanation). I gave up teaching. I need a business partner who understands that returning phone calls in a timely fashion, doesn't mean next month... nor that "time to think about it" can't stretch to a year. In other words, I need a business partner and I don't have one. When he decides to participate, all he does it obstruct. And I have no corporate or legal recourse or leverage... we each have 50-50 ownership and that level of decisions requires agreement between the two of us.

Like that's ever gonna happen. Anyone seen any pigs flying lately?

... SO, (I know this is a long explanation for where I'm going next; I AM sorry - but there were a lot of things to synthesize)...

If I must be forced into a relationship with bro because of the business... I MUST be fit to deal with it. Like training for the psych olympics or something. Mentally, emotionally, and physically I need to be in tip-top shape and ready to deal with anything and everything. If I could divorce him, I would. I can't. I can't go NC, unless there is a third party acting as go-between and I won't put our gen mgr in that position, again. He did it enough between my dad and his wife. And our lawyer's damned expensive...

The rest of this, will be more recipe oriented... how things all fit together; what works for me as I put together all the necessary pieces of the "design" of my training. Suggestions and comments and sharing of what works for you, all welcome.

[teartracks]

PR,

The rest of this, will be more recipe oriented... how things all fit together; what works for me as I put together all the necessary pieces of the "design" of my training. Suggestions and comments and sharing of what works for you, all welcome.

 
Recipe.  I think you're saying you're going to classify, and categorize the urgent and non-urgent, aspects of your life in the mind, body, spirit sense?  You're going to 1, 2, 3, or have plans a, b, c, accordingly.  The unpredictable is a bugger...

You already know that it was a disastrous move for mombro to override the doctor's recommendation.  The stage is set for the arrangement to go sour and quickly.  SIL is terribly vulnerable.  She, not bro, will get the blame unless bro is miraculously moved to salvage his marriage and put her first.  If that happens and mom is still mobile and in her 'good' mind, be prepared to get the sweetest phone call from her of a lifetime asking you to rescue her.  Mom has carefully thought out tapes (one for each of you) prepared to play as needed, but will only play them if it's a one on one situation.  There's a reason in her mind for this, when she plays them one on one, no matter what happens (chaos), it will be her word against the listener.  In shared discussions such as with the doctor, she will most probably not express much of anything about the situation. Put her and bro together, acting in secret and you have a formidable force.   Cast and crew of their drama will be emotionally swindled.  We've talked about triangulation a lot on the board.  What I'm seeing is mombro (the two headed entity), SIL, and you being triangulated.  You can't stop the two headed entity from their quest (who can figure out what that is?), even if you could remove yourself, so what's to do?  Exactly what you've outlined.  I'm eager to read your recipe(s).

tt

[sKePTiKal]

A practical definition of "Intention":

  --- a mental plan, based on an emotional want/wish, to be carried out physically through specific action(s)

My plan, or recipe, is focussed on myself. Becoming strong, agile, flexible - mentally, emotionally & physically - within myself to provide an alternative to reacting out of fear, anger, frustration or rejection. To build a plentiful life of alternative sources & resources of "what I need", so that the need to go back to the well of dysfunction in my FOO - or my own personal dysfunction even - to try (unsuccessfully yet again) to meet those needs, is no longer a significant, attractive, or even "listed" option. I don't know what words express what I'm trying to say here... tip of the tongue time... "not a viable option" maybe.

The emotional side of this, is that I want, what will be impossible without the above. I want to clearly demonstrate that I am beyond the control of all this FOO-crap, can act in my own best interests no matter what they think or do and simultaneously go as NC as is practical and possible. With both of them.

I think maybe SIL is in the same place; I haven't heard from her since I set the boundaries about our communications. It could be dangerous for both of us, to be seen as supporting each other or helping each other or actively working against the MomBro. Her FOO isn't perfect either - but the level of dysfunction is garden-variety; nothing like this. She has support and alternatives, too. She did say that she was immensely grateful that someone not her own FOO - from the "other side" - saw what she saw, too; validated it. We did that for each other, I think.

Objectively, tt - yes it's a triangulation pattern. But in play... as it plays out and what they do each step of the way, it doesn't quite fit. For one thing, my mom has been making direct inquiries with me about "rescue" for years; she seems to not even be thinking of that now but it could come back. I am aware that she plays bro & me off each other; has been for a long, long time... sets us against each other and he's deaf to my explanations of how she does this; that she's even doing it. We trade places as the "bad one" with her, only I don't play that anymore. A significant fact in all this, is that Bro has been emotionally abused, right alongside me... differently. I have been strongly suggesting that he get therapy on his own - not just marriage counselling - for the past 2 years... because of how helpful it's been to me. I first became aware of how I'd been dominated and controlled by mom, back in 1980 - I hope that woman went on to become a fully credentialled and successful therapist; she was "just" a counselor at the time. She inspired me with the courage to move away - hundreds of miles away - from my mom. Then it was more than 20 years before I finally addressed what the hell was going on.

She and Bro won't talk to the doc in the hospital again - unless for some reason her infection levels go sky high again; it's possible. No, she's decided that she'll have a heart doctor, a diabetes doctor, etc. And when I explained that she needed a primary care doctor to help coordinate all her medications - I was informed that she can do this herself. Right before she told me, she'd missed a few doses of antibiotic, for the C-Diff. When I am faced with someone who's asking for my help and my support and my input - and I give it kindly - and then it gets rejected out of hand... well, I've gotten good at walking away, tt. Actions speak louder than words.

Since last Friday, when she called me to gloat over how she & Bro had completely rejected all my suggestions for her care - and the doctors recommendations - I haven't called her. Not a peep from Bro either... not even a thank you for doing what he had asked - which is to come help him. I have no knowledge at all about what is going on in the situation, and at the moment that's exactly the way I want it. SIL and I can't be accused of "ganging up on them". I have the trustee contacting Bro about an ongoing decision he hasn't made yet - but also to determine if bro is even functioning; whether or not he's completely shut down. That's important, obviously, in the situation. Here's another thing that doesn't quite fit with a triangulation scenario:

she very well could recover just fine and all the rational cautions of the doc & myself will be proved "wrong" and "worthless"... because of course, you know the rules don't apply to her; she's always right; and she's "special. Seen it happen before - and the catastrophe does happen, of course - it's just delayed momentarily and supports her delusion. There won't be any connection for her or bro between what she does now and what happens later. No cause & effect.

I know Hops' suggestion about grieving and comfort makes sense. But, let's see: I've spent 6-7 years now grieving for the family and mom I didn't have and working through all the twisted, warped, perverse and just plain sick details. I've grieved MIL and the sweet, kind, even unspoken understanding that passed between us. I have learned to "just be" sometimes... to listen for Twiggy and let her inform me with her painfully acquired knowledge and she's grown up over this time; she's no longer 12. And Twiggy can't bear my acquired passivity, when dealing with my family much longer. It's not enough to just be away, ignorant of their drama and the emotional torture, to be safe. With Twiggy's input, I finally was able to assemble my intention and I'm counting on her to stick around and lend me some of her courage, too.

I've allowed two years to go by, while I hoped to see signs that my Bro had changed and would step up like a responsible adult into the new role that we both chose to take on. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I was patient when it was clear that he didn't understand much of the legal or business transactions we were involved in. I went out of my way to find ways to explain it to him, so he could understand.... just as I did when we were scared little kids. He doesn't really understand the cause & effect impact - the consequences of his decisions to not act or not decide; to not be engaged or participate... to simply obstruct.

It's time for me to stand up and defend myself; to define for myself what I want and develop ways - a plan - to get it. And then DO IT. Take ACTION. It could be years - if ever - before my Bro gets well and heals. My mom is already past the point of hoping that. I've let her go, in my heart without hate, vengeance or spite, as much as humanly possible. I'm still angry about the residual effects in myself - including how much time & energy it takes me to deal with all this crap - but that's my problem... and that's one of the things I'm going to address with my "training".

[sKePTiKal]

Hey tt - I know I argued some counterpoints against the scenario you put forth. I talked to Mom yesterday - called her. And I also had a short convo with SIL via text. Your scenario is pretty close to what's is going on. Mom is recovering slowly - but her mind is different than in the past, somehow. Can't put my finger on it; name it yet. Bro is nowhere to be found at home - except very late at night or in the morning. He is travelling a lot with his team - every weekend - for the next few months. Incommunicado, in other words.

SIL doesn't see/talk to him much, as a consequence. She is home; has her job and the kids have school. She is also not home much. She and Mom simply don't talk; it's sort of a cold, tense silence. For now. SIL said something about finishing out the school year, and also confirmed that she would stay, as long as bro went back to counselling. This time, she'll let him pick the counselor. I doubt he's even started to look yet... and I can't speak to how patient she is. She did say that MomBro are having some long, long conversations with each other. SIL's head is on straight and I think this might be her last offer of a chance to Bro. I think she's also conditioned to avoid conflict, stand up for her rights, herself. Less so, than I am. I absolutely will not be triangulated and have worked hard in the past to enforce those boundaries. I can say NO, too.

So that's where this situation stands. It's important for me to keep things separate - in their own spaces somewhat, while still respecting the connections and overlap between business, family, personal, etc. Unlike SIL, I don't have any hope or faith in words said, explanations, or promises anymore. I haven't shared that cynicism born of long experience, with her. It's not a nice place to be in... but I wouldn't be here if offered any real examples or experience based on MomBro's actions that there was any consideration of myself, anywhere in their hearts or minds. I've been offered (elsewhere) a range - the scope - of ways I can both protect myself and simultaneously make an undeniable statement of my rights and enforce them. It will be costly - and not just monetarily. Even given the reality, the cynicism I know.

I'm going to retreat into journalling for a bit and define for myself a few things. Assess doubts and risks. And when I come back, it's on to the training regimen for going forward in an active fashion. I need to make absolutely certain that my intention is completely and totally clear to myself, before I make it known to others... and that I've understood exactly the range of possible consequences and then be totally committed to (and capable of) implementing and carrying out my intention.

Melodramatic, huh? I think that's because of triggered emotion/memory associated with defending myself as Twiggy, when I was chased, shot at & raped. The consequences of that - for me - were absolutely positively even worse than the attack. That's where my fear comes from. It was a life/death situation - where I stood up for myself, defended myself and fought back. There is always some resemblance to that experience in each and every other kind of conflict I experience now. Twiggy and I need to have a heart to heart... just the two of us about this, before proceeding, also. She needs to understand that what happened AFTER wasn't the only possible consequences; that it was the MomBro way of dealing of things that still feeds her terror. Other people; sane kind people wouldn't have treated her this way. They HAVEN'T; experience, reality-based knowledge is most important to Twigs - for good reason, given the denial, delusion and gaslighting she was subjected to.

I sort of figured that out that connection, when hubs' indicated to me that on certain topics, when talking about certain things I unconsciously raise my voice. I literally up the volume without being aware of it, when something is emotionally important to the Twiggy/me - as if she must shout to be heard.... and she DESPERATELY wants to be heard, understood, and validated and HELPED out the current predicament we find ourselves in. It's not life/death this time, but it's very important and yes, because of MomBro there is also some finality in it, too. But that process, if I need to write here... will go back on the previous thread. I want this one to be dedicated to the ways I find to move forward; saving my SELF... and the practical, useful, things that help build my confidence in my own rights to be, want & need - not to mention do - despite what the MomBro react with.

[sKePTiKal]

Physical activity - even writing in my journal - is absolutely necessary to being able to wrap my mind around the decisions that I'm faced with at the moment. I have 6 rosa rugosas and vinca and lantana to plant... beds to weed; leaves to rake and sweep up; house to clean and all this is physical activity. The pool is warm enough to swim in, finally; and yesterday I reassured myself that I still know how. Sitting and mulling things over doesn't help; it's just feeling my feelings over & over and doesn't really go anywhere useful - unless I am writing: pencil and paper. Spewing at the keyboard only helps to a degree; it's not the same somehow.

It has to be mindful physical activity, too. Paying attention to how it feels - being completely in the moment. No iPod for me and I try not to let my mind wander back to the "problem". This is kind of like sitting in the "observing ego" place, I think; or meditation. It's helpful because I can see that there is absolutely nothing wrong with "how" I do things; it re-affirms and validates that I'm competent, careful, thoughtful, etc... FOO messages, notwithstanding. I see it in action. And the doing feeling changes from "work" to "fun". From "have to" (with the tagalong partner resentment) to "want to".

This is my way of curing anxiety and self-doubt. Even if it's just for the duration of the activity - that time and space where I'm not a victim of the old crap helps me feel capable of being something else... not being subject to the same FOO-roles, etc. It reminds me that I know how to learn and change... I am in control of me.

The physical activity of writing longhand my thoughts and thought process allows me to observe, check my assumptions and premises, doublecheck my feelings... and actively search for triggers, or links back into the "old wounds" and where my feelings may not "fit" in the here and now. Some more objective part of my brain is engaged when writing this way. It's different even than typing these words. When I look at it, I can be just barely aware of it - but that's enough to know that this is the "right" tool for me to use when working through complex, difficult and emotional situations.

That writing also "relieves" the rat-racing repetitive thoughts from trying to solve a problem simply by going over & over all the he said, she said details. It better satisfies the urgent emotional need to "do something" to help myself... and uses less energy, so there's room for inspiration, creativity, new perspectives...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What doesn't work - is to feed my face from a chip bag while skimming the paper with the tv on in the background. Multi-tasking myself into a stupor. Smoking doesn't seem to make me smarter; more intuitive; less fearful. It truly has absolutely no impact on my emotions. I don't go crazy or become a raging bitch when I don't smoke. Comfort food... isn't really comforting, if I'm so stuffed I find it hard to sleep restfully. All this is, after all - what my mom suggested or allowed me - as a way to comfort myself. To cope with the underlying anger and resentment of the boundary intrusions, the manipulations, the gaslighting. So she didn't have to be burdened with that task, any longer. It is how she sabotaged her own health... and without being aware of it... I've let her impose that same mentality on me.

Sometimes hubby contributes to this old issue, for me. Or I let him, is probably closer to being accurate. It's an old habit - changing myself to match someone else's preferences - to be accepted. OK. Instead of just being who I am - which may be different in those preferences. I eat black olives; he can't stand them. Between us, that's OK. It's OK to be different.

[teartracks]

PR,

I'm listening...

tt

[sKePTiKal]

Sometimes, it's a "good time" to take the game board and just upend it. I LOVE NC, and I love NC people - that NC, being North Carolina. I'm ready, willing and signed up to be one of them, too!   

We got complimentary tickets to a wine/food tasting that benefits community charities today. Hubs decided it was a good day for the mustang with the top down...   

I set all this topic's stuff aside - completely - and ate till I couldn't eat anymore; even seconds at the place I wanted to vote for "People's Choice"... all the food featured duck... and my fav was duck on a cornbread quiche (sweet corn whole on top) with Duck confit and a hot pepper and mango sauce... there really wasn't any food that was bad... so we found a few new restaurants to try, in the process. I don't know how much wine I drank - we got a "shot" each place we stopped for food. While buying bottles of wine to bring home, I also got a 'rita to go... bad girl in the mustang!!  LOL... right. I'm now chasing that at home with PBR... blue collar to the bone, y'all. Hubs is asleep on the couch and not worried about dinner. HE needed the break from this crap, too.

I saw a lot o' folks from our yacht club there - the social club, really. And it was easy... to talk, mingle, and be happy with them. I'm making key lime pies for our Cinco de Mayo party. There's a pie contest...  I met a black couple in line... and being from "not here" I let them in, in front of me... and started chatting. Turns out he's teaching aviation at a local community college, has lived close to Hops... and earlier in life - near where I grew up; now living close to hubs' relatives... so we invited them down for a big food event in March of next year. Just liked 'em... real genuine folk.

Everyone was "chill", happy, and having a good time. The band played my favorite sea chanty... and all the band members were at least my age, if not older. We were a whole big crowd of happy retirees enjoying each other. I was dancing...

Does it get any better than that?

In the meantime: my Bro had "pocket-dialed" both my cell & home phone numbers 5 times today. I called him and asked him to turn his damn phone off... if he knew how.  He's at a track meet in Des Moines.

Which world do I prefer???? Y'all have a vote among yourselves... I already know.

So, it's days like today that I remember - when bro or someone tries to make me feel guilty about my "lifestyle"... I feel like I belong, I have something to give - and want to give it - and enjoy everyone around me. Why in god's name should I be guilty about wanting this? Or enjoying it? Or doing my part to pass it on? I really don't know what it was I said or did yesterday - but when I bought plants at a greenhouse on the mainland, the old gent (that I know from "sources" is one of the owners) that helped us load gave me a couple extra plants... I can't express how connected I am to him; how I know he SAW me... and it wasn't just plants I was buying from his business... we were interacting at some other level. He knows I care about him and he certainly cared about me.

Why can't we have more of that in this world? I've only seen this here. I think it's probably a national treasure.

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks, tt...

here's an update - I am currently having a "rethink"; trying to hold all the details of what I've just been through - and am still facing with MomBro - out as far as possible to try to see the emotional "edges" of my own thoughts, feelings, and plain old reaction. I am also reassessing the "threat level" that was triggered... against what it is I would want in an ideal world; in a world where Bro would get with the program, participate at an engaged level, prove that he can be trusted to do as he says he will, and understand that our well-being is tied to and dependent on each other... and for that reason, if for no other... we need to care about and care for each other, in a civil, grownup, respectful manner. (I have my doubts about his ability to "be" there...)

One of the things I need to add to my training to-do list is to design myself a way of dealing with the kind of treatment, that MomBro historically take in regards to me. Even if there is some incremental change - the general tendency is not going to change without a strong desire and motivation and work and time... on Bro's self by himself in therapy. Moms' past the point of help or change. I need some armor or a force field from which to safely regard and choose and decide things in the face of such total DIS-regard for me... or the cohones to be able to sever the relationship, once and for all. And I need the patience to see how the latter stages of the drama unfold, I need that information before deciding.

The "toxic effect" of how their behavior affects me emotionally... is partly due to this lack of understanding-acceptance of the REALITY that I need to edit my expectations of them; I am constantly surprised how deep their denial of reality and common sense goes; I am constantly wounded by the surprise that I really don't matter to either of them... how I feel doesn't even occur to them; and when that's expressed it's completely dismissed or critically judged. It kickstarts the old "harm myself" programming to get their attention... to send up an undeniable SOS... without directly confronting them and demanding my rights.

Until I've completely debugged and disabled that program - it's very much like a trojan worm program on a computer that gets triggered by some "event" - until I've decided on a specific action to take (not reaction mind you) - I am still participating in my own abuse. Much of this was projected or downloaded into my brain from dear old mom - but some of it is also my intensity; how deeply I've been wounded; how long I've been "under the spell" of they're always right and there's something wrong with me. It's senseless for me to keep trying to "prove them right" with this kind of knee-jerk reflex in hopes that I get to be "one of them". Hell, I don't even want that!! And it demonstrably does not work.

So: the starting point is going to be daily affirmations that I do indeed matter more to me - than I don't matter to them. How I don't matter to them is way less significant and important, than teaching myself that throwing myself under the bus... only gets me run over. It is "giving up"... and for my clamoring and saber rattling... until I change that, it's probably better to sit back and watch and wait.

[Gaining Strength]

I'm going to retreat into journalling for a bit and define for myself a few things. Assess doubts and risks. And when I come back, it's on to the training regimen for going forward in an active fashion. I need to make absolutely certain that my intention is completely and totally clear to myself, before I make it known to others... and that I've understood exactly the range of possible consequences and then be totally committed to (and capable of) implementing and carrying out my intention.

I am a very slow processor.  So I put in this quotation as a marker of where I am and what I am responding to.

I am supporting your goals here.  I have similar goals but there is something that is blocking me from getting to the physical and meditation parts that I know are key.  I have not been able to identify that block for myself but it is related to the catch-22 stuff perpetrated on me by my father (in particular).  It has something to do with being punished in some for or perhaps humiliated when I actually did something that was beneficial for me.  I have been aware of this for some time - a few years actually  - but I cannot quite identify it and cannot yet resolve it.

but as a kind of participant, it leaves me with determination to support and encourage you along this path.  Somehow that gives me a sense of moving forward.  I think in great part because I am so thankful that there is another human in this world who thinks along similar lines, who has similar goals and solutions to similar problems.  I have noticed in recent days that when I am participating in agreement with others I feel energized and determined.  When I am utterly alone in my perspective I feel wholly defeated and hopeless.  I am fully aware of the black and white aspects of this but it is not remedied by rational thought.  It is far too deeply embedded for that.

(please forgive me for doing this on your thread but as I began to write I found so much simply opened up and when I wrote on my own nothing would come out.)
when I was on the conference call last week with my brothers, it was such an envigorating experience.  We were all on the same side.  I was so fully aware that it was not something that would roll over into any other aspect of life, that it applied only to this task and that it will end as soon as the issue with Wells Fargo is resolved.  I could see how a pattern was established as a very young child that when  my "help"was  needed or wanteda a gate was opened and I was allowed in and included - a part, a belonging.  Until Wednesday, perhaps, I thought, hoped, believed that a shift had occurred and I magically was part of something larger than myself.  That never happened.  (I cannot help but think of the not exactly perfect simile of "Carrie")

So I don't expect that there has been a shift but I know that being included and being a part and feeling valued gives me a kind of energy and determination and forward momentum that feels life-giving.  conversely - when I do not connect, am rejected, overlooked, ignored, voiceless in any form - I fall quickly and sharply into an abyss and am essentially paralyzed and angry - very angry.

I also know that physical exercise and meditation can be beneficial in addressing the abyssmal fall.  I have decided that I will apply something that you brought up a month or so ago, that I will be willing to stay with the horrific emotional pain that hits hard with those falls.  I can do this if I use the EFT techniques.  I have been doing this to some extent but I have also, unconsciously, been doing things that keep the pain away.  It is the latter that has been a survival technique that has actually had a benefit but always in the short run only.  The long term has been quite negative.  It has kept me stuck.  but it is difficult to allow the pain to take over as well.

[Gaining Strength]

This link seems to point to something related to your thread: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/russell-bishop/response-ability_b_855887.html

[sKePTiKal]

No forgiveness required for sharing your experiences on my thread, GS - we do, from time to time, mirror each other both in those past life experiences and the healing process. I can be just as stuck as describe yourself, my friend... and sometimes, still, even feeling just as alone - even though I know that's no longer the case, in reality. You're welcome (as are others) to share whatever my semi-crazed mumblings inspire... and I firmly believe that it's the collective wisdom and experience of the group as a whole, it's the group-effort, that's really important here. There's no way I can take credit for things I've learned, that have helped - like Hops' "releasing the outcome"; tt's - family dynamics based on the "context"/roles of the individuals. And my brain's just not able to hold everything, see everything... I too, fall back into abysses... take 2 steps back for each one forward. That's just life, maybe... and why we need other people... those connections.

There was what I consider a very, very important point in the "short version" of what I read on your linked page. That is the one that describes our struggles to heal and recover as more a moving toward the future - intentionally, deliberately, with determination and commitment... as opposed to a letting go of, running away from, escaping from the effects of the past. Dealing with the past is still necessary; but the emphasis is keeping one's focus on where one is going instead; seeing the path ahead and not tripping or becoming lost or distracted along the way. See the reference I made to the two-lane highway over on your thread - replacing old with new at the same time works way better than just finding relief or solace or peace from the old, for me. And I also "saw" what has been making me back off from deciding or taking action in his short list, too - it's the Accountability item; owning your goal. That is dangerous, in my past experience.

That's a bit too close to being "shamed/blamed/gaslighted", for my own comfort. Scares the bejesus out of me. Because I'm still not convinced - deep down - that I'm allowed to stand up for myself and my rights; defend myself against my own family members when their behaviors and actions are inappropriate relative to me. It still feels bad, taboo, and very scary... I'm so terrifed of being painted as the "crazy one" and not being believed by others about THEM... That's most definitely connected to the old wounds of Self boundary intrusion, you know? Being told that "you feel this way", "you think this", "you are..."  -----  all projections - yet made with such a frightening implied threat of some annilihation - that I had no choice - as a child, that is - to do anything other than accept it; believe it. That is not true of me as an adult - in any other situation not involving family members. Why do I insist on giving them a pass - at my own expense? No one's going to give me a gold star or pat on the back for this...I won't be beatified or even suggested for sainthood... it's simply going to cost me, as long as I let them get away with this or refuse to confront or stand up for my own rights and take care of my own needs/wants... that Bro seems to believe he can (it's not true) hold hostage to "his way of thinking" sans discussion; sans compromise; sans decisions.

No one else can do this for me - if this is going to get done; I have to do it myself. I have to matter more to myself than I've been told in so many ways, that I don't matter to them. I am not responsible for their feelings about what I HAVE to do to defend myself against them when they refuse to negotiate - or deceive in negotiation. Let them say they hate me... that's what their actions have said for years - not a newsflash, you know? Let them get angry at me. Let them try to legally challenge, the definition of what is my legal "right" - as defined in legal documentation and case law.

I think the idea of knowing ahead of time, what the "reward" is that I want... the goal I'm working for... helps keep me motivated and trying vs. feeling the impossibility, the helplessness or powerlessness feelings of the old "banging my head on the same brick wall and hoping for a different result" method. Yes, sometimes it does mean paying homage to the "old pain"... touching base with the very clear want I have to: NEVER GO BACK TO THAT PLACE AGAIN. And to work in the present, with "now" situations to make sure that I DON'T.

And I guess, in some ways, I'm struggling right now to keep past - present in their own little places, in my own thought & decisionmaking process. It's all eerily the same old shit. With some very important differences. Off now to accomplish a few things on my to-do list (about taking care of myself) and think about those differences. I think they might be doors...