So I started getting this idea a while ago. At whatever stage of "healing" I'm at... it's now time to stop separating my emotional well-being from my mind (it's weaknesses & strengths in old thought-patterns) and my physical well-being. It sure was easier to understand how each one was operating independently, impacting the other areas in my life, and tweak certain things to "normalize" (a database word which means to make compatible and consistent) each area individually FIRST, with the ultimate goal of making them all work together - again. I was 11 or 12, the last time I was all that integrated.
One thing I never seemed to lose, was my ability to see connections in apparently unrelated things and then synthesize them into understanding. I tried to put that skill to use in art - but what came out was rather scary to everyone because my unconscious self was trying to tell Twiggy's story. I could accept it, but I freaked my professors out I think. That stuff wouldn't sell, either. Even when I tried to symbolize or tell other stories (illustration) to be able to externalize the feelings. That's what voice is for - I just didn't know it, because I wasn't allowed to speak my feelings; I wasn't supposed to even have feelings like that as a child. I've been dealing with denial of me - the reality of me - for a long time.
With this topic, I'm going to try to synthesize, yet again. I know that my unexpressed emotions use my body to get my attention. The old shoulder injury - that body memory - has faded away and hasn't bothered me in a long time; not even with my recent dip back into dysfunctional reality with my FOO. Tai Chi gave me a way to practice being serene, calm and in control of my body (even if the kicks were challenging)... it helped immensely with anxiety/fear - because I knew what I could do to defend myself or avoid attack within my own muscles and skin. But do I practice this? Nope. And the reason is, that I feel foolish and embarrassed that I've left my practice slide so far - shaming myself. I think this might be connected to my old taboo about not ever letting myself have things, do things that make me happy... feel good, too. I'm well programmed to punish myself, in so many ways though.
And that, in some weird way is connected at a deeper level, at least subsconsiously, to the disturbed-avoidant attachment style I grew up with. Amber's needs/wants don't matter + Amber doesn't matter -- to the MomBro dyad. I am not a part of that; there's no room for 3 - just 2. So I withdraw with my rejection feelings... that grows into resentment/anger... and each and every time I must interact with the MomBro or each one individually... it's an experience akin to putting my hand back on the hot burner. I get conned into having this interaction, via empathy, "helping" or "fixing", or supporting their delusion of having a relationship with me. I know I don't have a relationship with them; I don't lie to myself like that; I don't believe my own "if wishes were horses, then I'd be riding" bullshit. Even when I do what they ask me to do I am rejected and tossed aside, as if that were the WHOLE POINT of the interaction for them, anyway. I take that out on myself physically. I know this is what my attachment to smoking is really all about; I know how passive-aggressive that is.... and think there's light at the end of the tunnel now, for changing that -- training.
It was my dad's estate trustee, who originally pegged bro as P-A. Together, he and I have been attempting to get bro to make a reasonable (and not difficult) decision regarding a piece of real estate, for about a year. Despite the circumstances bro is currently dealing with, I asked the trustee to propose this decision again, because bro won't talk to me - blew off my invitation to look at business cashflow to pull off his deception about mom's care. I also explained a bit about my weekend with MomBro and what the consequences/results were. I suggested that perhaps bro's P-A was more than just a behavior; that it's a PD. I was calm, clear and rational explaining how it all ties together and I kept things simple, too; readers digest version. The trustee has expressed being frustrated to me about Bro in the past. Part of the reason I disclosed this drama to him, is because I have business and legal responsibilities - in the event my brother divorces or the stress of what he's created for himself - with mom's help - falls apart at the seams. And of course, I was hoping for validation and an ally. After all, in 6 months, the estate will have been active for 3 years; it's past time to close it.
I'm still processing the trustee's brushing aside my interpretation of the drama and the reasons for it, as "I see all kinds of family disagreements about elder care, like this." Disagreements? Excuse me?! Deliberately choosing to ignore a doctor's recommendation is a disagreement? Minimizing and dismissing my input/explanation into the dynamics of that dark, sick weird relationship as a disagreement? I called it dysfunctional, explicitly. I have not yet said the words emotional abuse, because I know it makes people very uncomfortable to come in contact with any reference to it. They're afraid they'll get some on them... they're afraid of people's anger about it; they're afraid they'll be involved in something bigger than it looks.
So. In order to conduct business in an effective and timely fashion, I need a competent business partner - not someone who won't even talk to me, even though I've gone to effort and expense to "help him out" with what he needed, even though it turned he needed nothing. I need someone who understands the topics we need to talk about - not be put in a position each and every time, to create an explanation understandable to a grade schooler (on top of summarizing what the decision consists of again, because he's forgotten during the explanation). I gave up teaching. I need a business partner who understands that returning phone calls in a timely fashion, doesn't mean next month... nor that "time to think about it" can't stretch to a year. In other words, I need a business partner and I don't have one. When he decides to participate, all he does it obstruct. And I have no corporate or legal recourse or leverage... we each have 50-50 ownership and that level of decisions requires agreement between the two of us.
Like that's ever gonna happen. Anyone seen any pigs flying lately?
... SO, (I know this is a long explanation for where I'm going next; I AM sorry - but there were a lot of things to synthesize)...
If I must be forced into a relationship with bro because of the business... I MUST be fit to deal with it. Like training for the psych olympics or something. Mentally, emotionally, and physically I need to be in tip-top shape and ready to deal with anything and everything. If I could divorce him, I would. I can't. I can't go NC, unless there is a third party acting as go-between and I won't put our gen mgr in that position, again. He did it enough between my dad and his wife. And our lawyer's damned expensive...
The rest of this, will be more recipe oriented... how things all fit together; what works for me as I put together all the necessary pieces of the "design" of my training. Suggestions and comments and sharing of what works for you, all welcome.