When is a teenager a real narcissist?

[Sunflower]

Hello everyone,

Hello, everyone. I am new here but not to the subject...I am the daughter of an N, a label I didn't even know existed until a few years ago. As with everyone, this discovery opened my eyes and I have been trying to unravel problems in  my own life and behavior caused by N parenting (largely with the help of Elan Golumb's book). But now I have a different problem. I am almost certain that my young adult son (and only child) is or is becoming a N. I have read about normal teenage narcissism and understand that many of these behaviors are outgrown. But there are some really alarming differences, or at least outside-the-norm behaviors that don't seem to be going away. It's scary and confusing and most of all, I don't trust entirely myself because I may be hypersensitive about N-ism. I don't want to overreact, because I may just be paranoid. But if I am seeing things clearly, I know things need to change in the hope that he won't grow into a real N. I'm crossing my fingers someone else has some kind of experience with this. Thanks.

[bunny]

How old is he, and what's he doing that alarms you?

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hello Sunflower,

I sympathize with your concern.  My family is on the threshold of Angry Teendom as we speak   .  However, I think if a child is truly N you would know it before now.  

I have witnessed other children at school who simply cannot see any event through another's eyes.  If they are corrected, they have to retaliate in some way.  If they think they are not being watched, they are trying to get away with something.    They ask others for favors without a thought of returning the kindness.  It's their turn on the swing whenever they feel like it...etc etc.  The selfishness and need for constant unearned gratification is already installed between birth and 3 three years.  They are resentful of having to face consequences for their own choices and behavior.  This will have surfaced well before their teens.

If you have already taught your son important life lessons which he has learned but forgotten temporarily, I would say you'll be okay in a while.  At least, that's what I'm telling myself right now!    So let's hold our breath for four years or so until they punch out on the other side of adolescence.  

Good luck, Seeker

[Anonymous]

Hello  Bunny,

He's 18 and just started college. If I had to sum up my worries in one (long) sentence, I'd say it's a combination of: extreme obsession with his appearance (for example, it takes him 45 minutes to apply topical acne cream and he usually only has a few small blackheads to begin with); a history of manipulating friends in high school then ignoring them because they weren't "interesting"; rarely grasping consequences for irresponsible behavior and then choosing to lie rather than be upfront when reality hits; extreme rage in situations where he feels he has failed/not lived up to his own expectations or been rejected by peers (he always does apologize later and seems to feel genuine remorse).  Otherwise, he's very intelligent though did not live up to his potential in HS and the jury's still out 1st semester into college; good looking though he doesn't believe this; and can be very funny, warm and charismatic when HE chooses.

What might have made him a narcissist, much as I don't want to believe he may be? Genetics, if that's a factor, but more likely something to do with a traumatic culture change in 6th grade moving from an fairly depressed industrial community to a wealthy suburban area (with all the judgmental peer behavior that goes with it); a father who was primary caregiver and while loving in many ways, overprotected and criticized him all his life; a mother (me) who often overcompensated as a result of being raised by a very destructive NPD parent and trying to balance out my husband's impatience and critical attacks

Right now my son appears to be doing ok in college but the insecurities actually seem to be getting worse. He recently told me he feels he has no self confidence and can't walk past anything that reflects his image without analyzing himself. If he doesn't look in public, he's nothing. He's also not handling rejection from the opposite sex well at all. It's probably good he's telling us these things, yet nothing we or his friends say seems to restore any belief in himself and he continues to see life as only about "looking good" and the power this represents. The one wonderful thing about college so far is that it appears he has formed many real friendships, unlike high school, and these mean alot to  him. Also, he's never had a real girlfriend, so maybe some of the rejection reactions and anxieties are totally normal.

Still, I just don't know how to tell if some of the other traits are lingering adolescent narcissism or if there are real problems forming here. I would be very interested to  hear your thoughts and appreciate your interest. My apologies for the long reply, but wanted to give as complete a picture as I could. --Sunflower

[Anonymous]

Hello Seeker,

Your words are encouraging and Angry Teendom is a great name for this age! I've just spelled out my various worries in another reply so won't repeat them here, but I at least know that the sort of "entitlement" attitude you've seen isn't on my list, fortunately. My son is an only child, which doesn't help--less give and take, more time to focus on his own needs and wants than children with siblings, I suspect. But I think we did manage to raise him not to expect life to be handed to him on a platter. This hopefully will stand the test of time as he gets out into the world.

Good luck with your family and I'm  keeping my fingers crossed that we all come out of this tumultuous period of time okay.

--Sunflower

[bunny]

Hi Sunflower,

It sounds like lingering adolescent narcissism. He may be younger emotionally than he is chronologically. He sounds very worried and anxious because he's expected to be a "man" and he's still a teenager inside. Hopefully he will be influenced by his peers in a positive direction; i.e., a toward a more mature outlook.

When he talks about analyzing his reflections in windows, I would think: (a) He is a bit obsessive-compulsive; (b) He probably distorts his appearance as worse than it really is; (c) he may be judging/criticizing others as a projection of how he feels inside; (d) he has a harsh, critical internal parent. What to do? I wouldn't reassure him about his appearance because that good feeling won't last. I would probably say, "Yeah, I hate it when I look in a mirror after lunch and my hair is all wierd, and I thought it looked great." Then he might open up even more about his feelings of distortion and humiliation at not looking good.

See, everything he says is symbolic of his feelings. If you stay with his feelings and are aware of them (without analyzing them to his face), he may be even more open and confiding.


bunny