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Can I ask another question?
Twoapenny:
Hi guys, can I ask another question of you all?
Sorry, I know I'm asking loads of questions at the minute but I am struggling to work certain things out and I feel like I need to see my T every day at the minute!
I mentioned a while ago that I'd kind of met a guy. He's someone I knew when I was younger (school age) and we lost touch, then met up again fairly recently. I felt very safe with him, we chatted for ages, I didn't feel odd/awkward/concerned around him like I usually do with men.
Anyway, this was a couple of months ago. He lives a three hour drive away which is probably a good thing for me because it means having to take things slow. However, this is tortoise pace! We've been chatting on the phone every day, often for an hour at a time. He also tends to text me to say good morning and good night, which is really sweet (and I've told him I really like this). He's been saying he's going to come down and visit but hasn't arranged anything yet. He has friends down here he can stay with so he could come for a couple of days and see his friends/family as well as the two of us getting together. However, he keeps saying he will but nothing has been organised and when I've asked he's said soon but can't/won't be more specific. I can't go up there for another month because of money and my son so it's been feeling like we talk on the phone but nothing more than that will come of it. Also it was me that went up there last time; I don't want to get into a childish sort of 'it's your turn now' but I do feel that as I've made the effort he ought to as well, particularly as it's very early days.
The last couple of days I've hardly heard from him. He'll reply if I text but isn't texting as he normally would; I called him yesterday and he didn't really have time to talk, said he would call later and didn't. I knew he was working today so I've left him alone as I know he can't use his phone at work, but I am now feeling the odd/awkward thing that I normally have around men!!
I don't know what 'normal' is? I don't know if I'm just being silly/over-reacting or if I'm picking up "I'm not interested" signals that I should be taking notice of. I would like to ask him how he's feeling about where things are with the two of us next time I speak to him but I feel like I want to leave the ball in his court now as I've felt he's not so keen at the mo and I don't want to keep pestering him - maybe he's a bit screwed up like me and needs a bit of space from time to time?
I really don't know how 'normal' people do this stuff so any thoughts or advice from you guys would be great. Thank you!!
teartracks:
Hi Two,
See if this approach has any merit or appeal. If I were the one who posted here asking basically the same questions you're asking, what would your response be?
I almost never respond to questions about dating and romance on the board because I feel unqualified. So in the above, I'm shooting in the dark. I know it's hard to wear the other hat (as I'm suggesting) in a situation like the one you describe.
Dating is about choosing, not being chosen. That's what Dr. Laura says and I think it's true.
tt
Hopalong:
I'll just whip out the BIBLE of early scary stages in relationships for you...it is worth skipping a meal to get this book, Tupp!
A Fine Romance, by Dr. Judith Sills
It will help. I swear.
xo
Hops
ann3:
"He also tends to text me to say good morning and good night, which is really sweet (and I've told him I really like this). He's been saying he's going to come down and visit but hasn't arranged anything yet. He has friends down here he can stay with so he could come for a couple of days and see his friends/family as well as the two of us getting together. However, he keeps saying he will but nothing has been organised and when I've asked he's said soon but can't/won't be more specific. ....... it's been feeling like we talk on the phone but nothing more than that will come of it. Also it was me that went up there last time; I don't want to get into a childish sort of 'it's your turn now' but I do feel that as I've made the effort he ought to as well, particularly as it's very early days.
The last couple of days I've hardly heard from him. He'll reply if I text but isn't texting as he normally would; I called him yesterday and he didn't really have time to talk, said he would call later and didn't. ...... but I am now feeling the odd/awkward thing that I normally have around men!!
I don't know what 'normal' is? I don't know if I'm just being silly/over-reacting or if I'm picking up "I'm not interested" signals that I should be taking notice of. I would like to ask him how he's feeling about where things are with the two of us next time I speak to him but I feel like I want to leave the ball in his court now as I've felt he's not so keen at the mo and I don't want to keep pestering him - maybe he's a bit screwed up like me and needs a bit of space from time to time?"
Hi two,
I used to feel the way you have described: what is normal? I can't understand this guy: his actions do not reflect his words. Where do I stand? What can I/should I do? Am I doing something wrong? Is he doing something wrong? It all makes no sense to me, I'm very confused.
I'm no expert, but I've read a lot of books & done a lot of therapy, so this is what I think: This guy's words do not accurately reflect his actions. He says he'll come visit, but he does not. He texts you morning & night, but now he's not communicating with you. You don't know what he feels or where you stand because he's not communicating with you. To me, at the very least, he sounds passive-aggressive.
I think an underlying question/issue is why are you tolerating this behavior? You know you want & deserve better treatment, we all do. So, what is "it" within you/me/us that allows us to accept/tolerate bad treatment/bad behavior? A big part is our lack of self esteem/self worth and thinking we don't deserve better.
Here's a great article called "Warning Signs That You're Dating a Loser" by Joseph M Carver, Ph.D.
http://mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171
To gain insight as to why we tolerate & accept this type of behavior, I recommend the book "The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships" by Patrick J. Carnes
http://www.amazon.com/Betrayal-Bond-Breaking-Exploitive-Relationships/dp/1558745262
Also, take a look at the books Dr. G has posted on this web site. I think many of them are very helpful
Hope this helps.
Twoapenny:
Hi TT,
I'm like you, I would think I'm not qualified to answer! When it comes to men I am like a teenager getting ready to start dating; I don't have a clue and a lot of what I've learnt already is messed up and I need to try and erase it from my memory! I like the approach of seeing what you would advise someone in the same situation though :) Hops, I have ordered that book so hopefully I will be an expert by the end of next week ;)
Ann, I think the underlying problem with me is that I feel so damaged and peculiar around men that I cannot for the life of me imagine a decent one wanting anything to do with me. I've had quite lengthy discussions with my T about this; I feel like I need to give blokes a list of all my faults so that they can bail out quick asap. I've been trying not to do this with this guy. Up until now things have been nice and very different to other guys I've been involved with in the past. He's been very sweet and caring, he's made me feel very safe, I've really enjoyed chatting with him and have found talking to him interesting as well as funny. But.......the lack of action with regards actually meeting up has been bothering me and then this whole thing over the weekend has left me reeling. He's sent me several texts this evening which I haven't replied to; I don't know what I want to say yet so I haven't said anything. I think the whole not being good enough thing is a problem and I so like someone being nice to me that when they stop I immediately wonder what I did and try and make them be nice again, which is a pattern I've been trying to break for years and do not want to get into again. I feel like this same thing happens to me with every man I go out with (which is why I haven't done it much for a long time!). Lots to think about! Thanks x
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