Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Can I ask another question?
ann3:
Hi Two,
Yes, I understand what you're saying & to me, it sounds like this immediate predicament is a manifestation of a larger issue. This is why I recommend the The Betrayal Bond book because I think it could help you see the bigger picture. I wish you all the best.
Gaining Strength:
--- Quote ---But.......the lack of action with regards actually meeting up has been bothering me and then this whole thing over the weekend has left me reeling. He's sent me several texts this evening which I haven't replied to; I don't know what I want to say yet so I haven't said anything. I think the whole not being good enough thing is a problem and I so like someone being nice to me that when they stop I immediately wonder what I did and try and make them be nice again, which is a pattern I've been trying to break for years and do not want to get into again.
--- End quote ---
Twoapenny - I think you are right on the mark to be bothered about the things that are bothering you. The big red flag to me is that YOU have already gone there and he has not made a plan to come where you are. This is particularly bothering when he has a place to stay.
How great would it be if you could rewrite those internal messages about not being good enough with "I am better than this." You are better and you deserve better. Don't fall into the trap of thinking, even for one moment that you need THIS guy. If something shifts and it is worth persuing a relationship - GREAT. But let HIM come to you with an explaination of the shift. If he doesn't - it would be a sign that you can't expect him to be straight forward and up front. Even - maybe - especially at this stage, you should only be seeing things that work for you and appeal to you. These two issues are not small. They are big. It is hard to imagine moving towards a relationship with someone who does not seem to be planning to come to see you. That seems like a big indicator right off the bat. And the shift in communication without acknowledgement or explaination is worrysome as well.
teartracks:
Hi Two,
Still feeling unqualified (disclaimer :lol:), but wanted to add that almost everyone has 'issues'. He may not have been forthcoming about his, not that he's required to at this stage. I guess I'm saying that he may be trying to protect you from some known (to him) issues/insecurities (yes, men have them too) in his own life. On the one hand, he may want to move forward in the relationship while at the same time feel terribly 'unfit' because of who he thinks or knows himself to be. I think I'd back off a mite, give him more rope and allow him to reveal himself (or not) at whatever pace he desires. Treat him as if he is a very interesting and well written novel that you want to read slowly as your busy schedule allows. As the novel unfolds, so will the main character. As he is revealed, YOU will know whether he is loathsome or adorable and worth your while.
tt
Twoapenny:
Hi again Ann, thanks, I will order that book as well, I will have plenty to read to keep my mind off things :)
TT and GS, I think/hope I have done things in a way that leaves the door open should there be a positive change. I don't want to be in a situation with someone (anyone) where I don't really know where I stand and spend time wondering what has happened and why they are/are not doing something. Texting in particular is so quick and easy I don't understand how anyone can not have time to text; it takes less than a minute to at least tell someone you won't be in touch for a couple of days and it stops all the wondering on the other person's part.
Anyway I have written a text to him this morning basically saying that I think I should have spoken to him about the situation to find out how he feels and re the lack of actual contact because I've now found myself in a situation I'm not comfortable in and I feel I've not been realistic about the two of us. I've not said that I want to see him/speak to him again or that I do not; I thought if I left it very open then it leaves the ball in his court; if he is having a few 'issues' himself then he has a chance to say that now or do something about it, if he is just chatting with me and has no intention of taking things any further then I feel I've put down the 'get out of jail free' card and things can be left and we can both move on.
I feel like if I ask anyone to do anything for me - even something as simple as visit - then I feel I'm being demanding. Equally if I expect phone calls or text messages I am expecting too much (an ex boyfriend told me I was impatient and demanding because I got cross when he didn't return my call for almost a week). I have got to start getting some simple basics in my head and working on making them feel normal. I think it was the change that bothered me the most; if he'd always been a bit rubbish at phoning and texting I wouldn't have got involved with him anyway but he's been so attentive and then suddenly vanished for 24 hours at a stretch. I feel a bit like I've been reeled in and now I'm caught he doesn't need to try. I'm hoping I'm wrong, but I did realise last night that rejection hurts me so much that I've been putting off asking the questions in case I don't like the answers.
Anyway, I haven't sent the text yet, I will wait a couple of hours so if anyone thinks its a terrible idea let me know! Thanks all, I do feel better for having 'talked it through' with you, another step forward on the journey and hopefully have learnt some good lessons I can use next time around. Thank you :) xx
BonesMS:
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