Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Can I ask another question?
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote ---Dating is about choosing, not being chosen. That's what Dr. Laura says and I think it's true.
--- End quote ---
It might be true, once we're "whole" people and it's a valuable practice for anyone who's got FOO issues... but I gotta weigh in on this quote, and say that I know for sure, that deep-deep-deep down I WANT to be CHOSEN. It's those attachment/abandonment issues, for sure. Still - as popeye says - I yam what I yam. And it helps ease up some of the confusion, when I recognize this and accept it about me.
Sure, I believed that I was very picky about relationships and men... high standards & all that. Underneath even my own awareness... I was being driven to be CHOSEN. I think that word, is what struck me in the quote... I wanted a guy to say, demonstrate and go the distance of his own: "I want you".... and for a simple feeling of trust to respond to that... and have everything be OK.
And it pervades all my relationships - a Mother's Day card from hubs' D, that has a note - thanks for being you - written in it... it means a LOT to me, that she's making that gesture and telling me that. My hubs' family... D's friends... new acquaintances...
and it all derives from those attachment/abandonment issues - the FOO and their delusional world - and how I didn't belong there, and therefore I made the mental mistake of thinking I didn't belong anywhere. Totally not true. Another mistake I make, and I have a friend who is this way... is when I've been disappointed in an interaction with a friend - I withdraw and keep that person at arm's length and get in a snit over it. I don't just say - oh hey where'd you go? I miss you... or let the person know I hoped that I'd hear from them at certain intervals, or whatever... and that's the old "voiceless" - afraid to ask for what I want - and I'm permitted to have these feelings and let the other person know and help come up with a solution. I learned that relationships have "rules" and they are rigid and inflexible (though completely unpredictable and undefined)...
... but I think I'm learning (I hope so at any rate) that there aren't any rules; interactions between people can be very flexible... casual... informal... loose. At least, with some people I'm noticing this.
Hopalong:
Tupp,
Real quick, in case it helps -- Judith Sill would say, do not send that text.
Because what's happening is okay. It's normal, and it doesn't mean bad/scary things necessarily.
Can't wait for you to read that book...if you can hang on, and read it before you make any more statements to him, you may be glad...
xxoo
Hops
Gaining Strength:
--- Quote ---Anyway I have written a text to him this morning basically saying that I think I should have spoken to him about the situation to find out how he feels and re the lack of actual contact because I've now found myself in a situation I'm not comfortable in and I feel I've not been realistic about the two of us.
--- End quote ---
What a great move! That makes so much sense.
PS - I posted this before I read Hops post. It just makes sense to me. I want to make it clear that I didn't write this just to say the opposite of Hops - really.
Twoapenny:
Bonesie, thank you for the hug (((((((((((Bones))))))))))))))))
Phoenix, I think it's this old thing about desperately wanting to be wanted that is a big problem for me - I so want someone to take away that awful feeling of no-one caring that I think it has an influence on most things I do. I also, like you say, don't tell people that I've missed them/wished they'd phoned/had remembered to do something - in fact I hadn't realised that until I read what you wrote. It's never occured to me to do that, I've always felt I have no right to expect anything from anyone so I shouldn't ask or mention it in case I make them feel bad. But now that you've flagged it up it's actually quite nice if someone says "I missed you yesterday, why didn't you come?" You're showing them you want them in your life as well as actually mentioning that they didn't do something without it sounding like a criticism. I think this may be my new thing to practise, I hardly ever tell peple if I'm upset they didn't call or something.
Hops - too late! I sent it this morning. But.............we've swapped a few texts; he has said that he is aware my life is pretty tough and he has a few problems of his own so he wanted to take things slowly and not add to my problems - I'm not sure what those problems are and whether or not they would be a problem for me. But he has said he didn't realise it was so slow it made me think he didn't care. He said he doesn't want things to end before they've really begun so we are going to have a long chat later on and be honest with each other. This is very new territory for me, I have never had an 'honest' chat with a man before. I don't know how it will go and what will happen but I feel this is a step in the right sort of direction, but I really want to read that book now!
GS - I feel like either way now I have done things I haven't done before - I've asked for advice, I've taken a bit of time out to think about what I need and what I want, I've tried to communicate that and hopefully later we will have a chat about it - even if the outcome is that we call it a day now I feel like I've moved a step closer to life making a bit more sense. Anyway I will let you all know what happens later! Thank you everyone :)
Twoapenny:
Morning all,
Well we have had a conversation! We are both looking for similar things, both scared of the same things and have both kept quiet for fear of scaring the other one off. We've both agreed we need to talk more! We have now made a definite plan for him to come and visit (in the next two weeks) and to talk properly about what we want, where we'd like this to go and what we both need to do with that in mind. It's the first time I've ever had a conversation with someone and not been told the whole situation is my fault or that I'm being unreasonable/demanding/impatient etc. So where it will go from here and what will happen is anyone's guess but I do feel that I have had my first ever adult conversation about a (possible) relationship with someone who has at least listened, responded and made some effort to move things in the right direction. Am trying to focus on a day at a time but I feel happier than I did over the weekend which is a good thing! Anyway thank you everyone for all of your help and I'll keep you posted! xx
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