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Pain + Avoidance --> self-abuse

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sKePTiKal:
I've had one of those full-circle realizations... the kind where you wonder how in the world you missed it, it was so plain and obvious.

About 10 years ago, I had an abcessed tooth. The infection was really pretty bad, because I kept trying to treat the pain with OTC stuff, and hoping it would just go away. Of course, pain relief is a need, right? And I was programmed specifically to not seek out having my needs met... not asking for help. Part of the reason for the abcess in the first place, is because I was trained to believe that taking care of my teeth was "optional" -- those kinds of self-care habits were alien to my mom; we didn't need them; they didn't apply to us... that was for those other, uppity people who didn't realize the futility of taking care of oneself... we're all gonna die anyway. And of course, one wasn't allowed to whine about the pain either... it was always my own fault... and later, that evolved into the myth that I have a high threshold for pain.

This week, I bit down and heard/felt a snap and sharp stab of pain around one of my crowns. But as long as I didn't bite down on it, it didn't really hurt - for awhile. Then, it started to ache and throb. I took excedrin and slept OK. Same the next day and didn't really eat and worked outside... no pain until the evening. I barely slept, the pain took over all my senses and thought-processes weren't really possible with the constant jarring static of all the pain - and luckily I got into the dentist the same day. Got another root canal scheduled and prescriptions; it'll be OK. After the first one, I knew not to wait too long... but that trained instinct to ignore and avoid dealing with it was responsible for the suffering that I did put myself through.

In between these two occurances, I did several years of therapy... learned tai chi and chi gong... joined the board... and went through all the emotional pain that was never acknowledged, hardly addressed, and even blocked from my memory for my whole life, as it stands so far. I learned about how my psychosomatic symptoms were a silent "asking" for relief from emotional pain. And lord knows, I've processed that pain ad infinitum here and in journals over those years. And many things got better; changed; I let some things go... and there are more on that list... but the unassailable thing; the mysterious bit that I couldn't EVER break into, break apart, figure out how it worked... was my tendency to lack of self-care and even bad physical habits. I had gone back for my second round of therapy with the specific goal of quitting smoking - and ended up dealing with Twiggy and her story instead. My T had said that I would quit - eventually. It would all come together at some point and make sense; be clear; almost resolve itself. And she couldn't or wouldn't explain more specifically how that would occur, even when I asked point blank.

About a year ago - I had a dream of my T and I told her I wanted to "finish" now. I wrote in my journal "Sometimes, I just need to HEAR myself". It was dated July. And y'all know about my recent close encounter with my FOO - which, after all the overlays of emotions are stripped away (all the dancing around, not wanting to admit or say, avoiding) - was painful for me.

I am convinced we need to study the mind-body connection from the psychological/emotional perspective. I have had so many glimpses, breakthroughs, and positive benefits from applying the knowledge of the one to the other... and this most recent one is about pain. I know from first-hand experience, now, that my physical habits, my self-care habits (that could've been changed at any point in my adult life) are all related to the emotional pain I experience(d) in dealing with my FOO... and the "Rules" of that warped world.

I hope this will make sense enough to those who are struggling with something similar, that they can take it and use it for their own healing. This pain in my jaw wasn't limited to that area of my body; before the antibiotics kicked in I was having all kinds of muscle aches in all kinds of places; my body hurt all over. Similarly, my brain was in pain too - it didn't function well at all. I could barely drive to the dentist and back to the pharmacy; I was in a childlike state of totally focussed want/need to "make it all better". Even reading was difficult - that's how intensely I experienced the pain. Hubs kept coaxing me to just close my eyes and rest -- but I was afraid to do that. Afraid it would hurt even worse; that bad things would happen. I kept reading even after I spilled tea on my Kindle and messed up the display... figuring out a workaround; making do; I'd be all right. I cried a lot of silent tears and really missed MIL. Hubs did pretty good, though, taking care of me that day.

I guess it was while this girl was taking xrays and the tears were uncontrollable for me that I started to see in front of the me the connection between this physical and emotional pain and those poor habits that led me to this experience in the first place. I remembered a childhood dentist visit where my mom argued with the dentist over his recommendations... because even then he was concerned with the number of cavities I had. And the fillings... where my mom insisted I would be fine without novocain while he drilled... because I didn't feel pain like other people did, she told him.

Just like enough physical pain can disrupt how one's brain works... so can emotional pain, when it's constant enough without relief or coming back to equilibrium... or intense enough. And one's whole being gets tunnel vision and is desperately seeking a relief of the pain. "I wish I could just cut my head off", we say when we have a bad headache. "Just shoot me", we say when we're miserable all over. It's a lot like the saying "cutting off your nose to spite your face", isn't it? Like semi-conscious self-sabotage or self-abuse...

Twiggy had one really clear memory of smoking; it helped her brain work better... and now, I'm thinking that the nicotine or the physical repetitious act of hand to mouth of the smoking habit... helped her avoid and numb the pain she was in. The more the emotional pain that was heaped on her - without permission to talk about it; feeling like no one could stop her mom and dad wasn't going to - like she was trapped until she was legal age... the more she smoked. It "helped" distract her, numb herself, focus on intellectual things instead of feelings; ANY feelings... like being angry, nervous, embarrassed, angry, frustrated, helpless, trapped, powerless, or concentrating really hard on finding solutions... possibilities... ways out of predicaments. She never smoked because she enjoyed it; it was a necessary evil. And she had tacit acceptance of the habit from her mom, who only said: well, it could be worse. There were a lot of similar things; self-sabotage without intervent just that weird futility-based acceptance, things I shouldn't have done... things I should've...

For some time now, I've been aware that continuously mining my personal emotional pain only leads to the experience of the pain again... no great breakthrough realizations. It's truly beating one's head on a brick wall hoping for a different result. At least for me. But I hadn't taken into account the various emotions I learned to use to hide and disguise that pain as being part of the problem. I felt I had to hide these feelings even from myself, because my mom insisted she knew - could "see" on my face - what I was feeling and I was either punished, shamed or hurt for having any feelings. I knew anger was a big one; the one time I really did quit smoking - I "slipped up" and started again because of anger, powerlessness, and not being heard or having my feelings recognized.

I got that far and got stuck, working out how my inner process worked. The next step is that feeling of being so desperate for relief that one would do ANYTHING - including hurting oneself - to stop the pain. And because of lack of differentiation of emotions... because I'd been taught to associate all emotions with intense "pain" because of mom's responses ...  and because we're always feeling something... I was in constant movement toward another smoke, even long after the time I should've noticed that it didn't help at all. But it did provide me with the illusion - the self-soothing delusion that I was "doing something for me"... and it confused the hell out of me when I didn't have physical withdrawal symptoms during quit attempts; only emotional pain (take away the tool used to avoid & numb the pain... and BAM, a mack truck of all it slammed into me). Nothing worked; not even drugs... and I could sense there was a really, really deep and significant attachment for me between smoking and what I'd lived through... that wouldn't budge with all the techniques recommended for physical dependence. The source was emotional; it was this lens of reacting to all emotions as if they were intense pain - for fear of the consequences that were as predictable as the sunrise, embedded in my experiential brain.

Y'all know I can get hung up on definitions and I've used definitions a lot, to understand what's "gone off the track" in myself. My latest one was the difference between "competent" and "confidence". I've read a lot about "self-efficacy" - feeling competent enough, feeling ABLE to quit smoking. Maybe that was what I needed, I initially thought. Throughout my healing process, I've noticed a gradual increase in confidence, in differentiating emotions... maintaining boundaries... connecting with other people through those boundaries... communicating better than I have in a long time... and I wonder if a combination of confidence, with some letting go (and even allowing myself to FORGET) of old pain... and emphasizing "feel good" moments... and "I'm OK" moments might not be the way to approach the whole smoking issue. In other words: shifting my focus away from the negative in my life and allowing myself to attach more securely to the positive things... until there's less room for the inevitable negative to stick around.

A lot of the CBT techniques used to quit smoking, emphasize "separation" - breaking the association between say, smoking and coffee or driving and smoking. I'm guessing what I have to do with this new realization about pain and emotions... is separate them from the ineffective (and unnecessary) "strategy" I've used for so long, to avoid dealing with the feelings and numbing them; distracting myself instead. When I'm having a good time... I don't even think about needing to smoke, if I'm in a no smoking zone... it's only when I've moved back into "personal space" that the prompt even comes to mind. The last time I flew - on the return trip I was so glad to be home again, that until my driver suggested I might like to smoke before we got on the road... it had completely slipped my mind.

Guest:
Interesting Amber, I can see your thinking and can't disagree (...) with what you're saying.

Q. did you smoke when your driver suggested it? (I would probably tend to refuse the suggestion. I think that's about control.)

There is probably more to smoking too. For me talking about smoking seems like a distraction, and, like talking/thinking about food when you want to lose weight, concentrating on it can make the defences stronger. I think what your T said - (sorry I can't see it right now) - is probably spot on. You''ll stop when it's time to stop.

You drove to the dentist with toothache that bad?


--- Quote ---because I didn't feel pain like other people did, she told him.
--- End quote ---
Shaking my head; although I certainly believe you.

On the other hand: if we 'manage' our pain so well (so badly), it probably looks to others like we do in fact have a high threshold - whatever that means. I guess people in life-threatening occupations have a high threshold too. Or they acquire one.

sKePTiKal:
I think the "not feeling pain" - psychologically, at least - is a myth. You know, the tough guys in westerns... the bravest soldiers... these images sell the idea that it's OK to stuff and deny vulnerability, pain, in order to "to do what has to be done". Well... the problem with that is that the pain doesn't really go away; they ARE still humans after all; and so we have a high rate of PTSD in veterans. But there is another way to do what has to be done; acknowledge the fear, the pain, and "do it anyway". To feel more than one thing at once... but choose an action based on the result desired, instead of simply to "make the feeling go away or change". That requires the intellectual imput, an assessment of physical ability, probabability of success, etc.

One thing I didn't say - but it's there in the words anyway - is that I'm seeing now, that at any time after I left home - I was technically free to adopt any self-care habit or stop any bad habit I wanted to. Technically. But in actuality, I was still restricted and limited... by something; either in my feelings about myself or some image of myself in my head. Very much like a belief-based taboo.

I'm a pretty well-educated person and keep feeding my head information, looking for new ideas, things I didn't know about before. I can apply information in a practical way, pretty successfully to solve other problems. I'm not as brainy as the mythbusters on TV... but that's the kind of stuff that gets me really excited and interested. I have found the typo in computer code that "broke" how different web components worked, in lines and lines of commands. But I still can't see EXACTLY (and concisely) what that taboo/restriction was that prevented me from committing to a desired change and being able to follow through with it.

I know I'm "suggestible"... when the driver mentioned smoking, I did. Much of my T experience was working alone, with an easy self-hypnotic technique. But only smoked about half the cigarette then, since I was in a hurry to get home (there were tornados in our area a day or two before and I was anxious about that). This ability is connected to what my mom used to characterize as a "wild imagination"... I can visualize many things; my memory is largely visual - tho' the other senses are also involved at a pretty high level too... and I usually dream elaborate tableaus with all kinds of technicolor details and subtle fleeting emotions. I have tried to visualize myself as a non-smoker; it's not sustainable. It's become part of my "personality mask"; feels like a part of my identity... a non-verbal expression of: ???

Part of the issue, perhaps, is the constant flux of emotion that we experience (whether we're aware of that or not). I can feel strongly (when in physical pain) that I need to up my dental care, for instance. But once the pain disappears... so does the need and the commitment, long before a new habit is established. My Sifu used to say it takes 5000 repetitions before something becomes a "habit" and feels "normal". (Sifu being tai chi teacher.) This is part of what I know is a fact, that leads me to wonder, if separating "whether I feel like it or not" from an actionable habit that I want to lose or acquire will make a difference.

And there's a double standard involved, in what I learned about emotions, too. Because while I wasn't permitted to have my own feelings or feelings not approved by mom in that moment... SHE was all about using all kinds of physical means to numb her feelings or avoid having to deal with them, primarily junk food - she was quite holier than thou about not using alcohol, smoking or even coffee or tea. That morphed later on, into hoarding. And as long as I wasn't asking anything of her - she did leave me alone - completely alone, to make up whatever habits I wanted. There were no parental boundaries, like an enforced lights out time (I'd read til 2-3 am and get up at 7 to pack lunches for mom & bro & be to school on time), and very few limits on where I could go; with whom; and as far as curfew... many times there wasn't one.

It seems inescapable at this point... that somehow, someway... this double std. got internalized in me. "The mom in my head". And it's an auto-run program that continues it's cruel domination and manipulation of my Self "freedom"... unless I can find the one piece of code to delete, that will disable the program from functioning. It's almost as if I missed something, the first time through, when I was separating the "her" from "me" stuff.

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---It's almost as if I missed something, the first time through, when I was separating the "her" from "me" stuff.
--- End quote ---

Sometimes I just need to HEAR myself. That's the big clue above.

Tentatively, I'm wondering if Twigs thought - felt - that it was impossible to get the "mom in her head" to go completely away... and that was so painful and she was so desperate... that she latched onto; attached to a thing she knew without a doubt was scientifically proven to kill people - including people she knew; one of which had helped her a lot in the worst part of the trauma she lived through. I heard some news blip about the warning label on cigarettes being changed to something as direct as "These things WILL KILL YOU."

And then I heard Twigs react in resistance: she said "Good".

SIGH... after all this time and work and revelation... rather than fighting back, talking back, drawing a boundary between her/mom... me/her... she'd rather just crawl in a hole and die a slow death from the pain instead. That is just SOOOO unlike her; and unlike me -- it doesn't make a lot of sense.

But it's exactly something BioNic Mom would say and attempt to do, and even did/does.

So I guess it's time to ask Twigs the questions: do you, in fact, need an attachment to "bioNic mom", as ill as she is? do you in fact want so much to get her attention - and acknowledgement - that you're even willing to "put on" her own darkness in hopes that she'll "wake up" and take care of you? Give that odds - how likely IS that? Remember how awful her attention to you was? Are you sure that's what you're asking for? Why on earth would you "want" something that's dangerous to you?

and finally:

well, you've had "freedom" for 40 years now, in reality (and in your Self for the last few, several years too)... so WHEN is it going to be time, to put that freedom to good use? What's the WORST that could happen?

Guest:
Amber, so you don't own your futility and darkness; those are actually not yours but Mom's?

Well that sounds definitely like something to become free from.

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