Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
N moms and their obsession with weight
nolongeraslave:
My therapist recommended to say "Don't talk about my weight" to my mom. FAIL. That didn't work.
My mom was PISSED when I stood up to her weight comments. What gives? She said that I'm her daughter and that she doesn't have to respect my feelings and wants. I had told her that my wish to not talk about my weight should be respected. I also told her that her behavior is one of the reasons why I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. She didn't listen to me. She even interrupted me and didn't give me a chance to talk.
I have never seen such a woman that is SO obsessed with weight. She doesn't just comment on my weight, but other people. She said "Your roommate used to be fat and she lost so much weight". My roommate was NEVER fat and was always a slim person. I have told my mom that there are many other things in this world that we can talk about-culture, news, food, history, work, life....Why someone's weight? My boyfriend seriously thinks she's one of the dumbest people he's met if weight, status and money is all she talks about.
Basically, my mom had said that my body needed to match my boyfriend's. My boyfriend is tall and thin, while I'm not and I have no desire to be so. My boyfriend loves my body and doesn't have any interest in me being really skinny. My mom's comment was implying that I must be stick thin, and that I need to lose a good 20-30 lbs. If I lose that much weight, I will be considered underweight. She then later denied talking about my weight and said she was joking. She then said "He's too skinny. He needs to gain 10 lbs." It's amazing how she doesn't understand how rude,intrusive, and contradictive her comments are. Has she ever looked at herself?
My mom then demanded to be dropped at the airport, because she was so angry that I refused to hear her talk about my weight. I had plans to show her the beautiful city that I live in, but she would rather wait 8 hours in the airport doing nothing than see a city that most people would love to travel to.
nolongeraslave:
Add: I forgot to say that she always brings clothes that are much bigger than me. When I tell her my actual size, she's shocked and says "You're not small enough for that." Uh, want to see the tags on my clothes?
I also wonder if she wants me to fit into her clothes, so she can feel that I and her are the same size. She has a habit of lending me all of her stuff-clothes, jewelry, etc.
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: nolongeraslave on July 25, 2011, 08:24:57 PM ---Add: I forgot to say that she always brings clothes that are much bigger than me. When I tell her my actual size, she's shocked and says "You're not small enough for that." Uh, want to see the tags on my clothes?
I also wonder if she wants me to fit into her clothes, so she can feel that I and her are the same size. She has a habit of lending me all of her stuff-clothes, jewelry, etc.
--- End quote ---
From my perspective, she's not seeing you as a human being or as a separate individual. She's seeing you as simply an extension of her "royal" self as if you are nothing more than her arm or her leg. :P (BLEAH!!!!) She's also continuing to be a BULLY! ("MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY!") as a VERY RUDE guest in your own home no less!!! :P :P :P
God, that b*tch has got SOME nerve!!! If she demanded to go to the airport IMMEDIATELY because you DARED refuse to bow down and (in my culture, it's called "brown-nosing" so please don't get offended at the term), I wish someone had told her to stick out her thumb or take a hike to the airport. Better yet, call her a cab and tell her she's paying the cab's tab!
((((((((((((NLAS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I HATE TOXIC N's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P :P
sKePTiKal:
Good for you - defending your defined boundary regardless of her reaction! I wonder - you didn't say - how that felt? I'd guess, you're smiling ear to ear?? Maybe not yet? - it was her choice, after all to forsake a tour and hang at the airport, you know. To get in a snit and stomp off, like a two-yr-old.
What you're describing about weight and clothes - sigh - sounds real familiar to me. As far as I'm concerned, it's one form of self-boundary invasion or intrusion I suffered through with my mom. Her twist was always buying me things or clothes that expressed what she herself wanted to be; to look like; until I insisted in no uncertain terms, that she was not to buy me any more clothes. I was in my 30s, I think -- I'd started trying to get her to stop this in my teens, of course. I finally had to go out of my way to hurt her feelings and tell her a.) the dress didn't fit and b.) I went no place to wear something like that and it wasn't my style - but how would she know that??? and c.) I put it in the trash (a heinous sin to her... someone else could've worn it; used it...)
She still doesn't know that some us of never "become our moms", you know? It's not some inescapable law of nature... but we do have to put some self-awareness and effort into it. I'd never forgive myself, for being like mine...
Hopalong:
I think weight-obsessed Nmoms don't generate the weight obsession themselves, but as beings constructed a certain way...are tailor-made to be hooked (and re-set the hook) by the sexist and insane cultural obsession with shape-as-measure-of-worth.
It's horrible for their children and most often doubles the crippling self-loathing our culture already dishes out to girls.
(One instance that stunned me was my accomplished, gracious and lovely friend who went to visit her Nmother in my friend's late 40s...her mother opened the door, looked at her, and reached out and yanked up the front of my friend's blouse to comment on her weight.)
Hops
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