Shouldn't I be over this?

[Maddiemad]

I wonder if this is where I can get some help about a very old humiliation that just keeps coming up over and over in various scenarios. I am 54 now and have gone over this incident so many times in therapy. When I was just 4 years old, I was bright and active and into things. My mother in an attempt to discipline me and keep me from getting into mischief decided to fill my Christmas stocking with coal. I ran down the stairs that morning in front of my grandparents and parents laughing to the stocking just to get my hands dirty with all the coal in it. I just remember going numb and not wanting to open any of the other presents my parents had hiding for me. I sometimes feel silly retelling this because of the many years, but it still haunts me and sometimes I don't want to even speak to my mother even though she has been very loving and helpful to me so many, many other times in my life. I still find the resentment coming up over and over even after doing all kinds of forgiveness work. Any comments on this?  Thank you so much.

[Dawning]

Hi Maddiemad,

When I was just 4 years old, I was bright and active and into things. My mother in an attempt to discipline me and keep me from getting into mischief decided to fill my Christmas stocking with coal.

I've never heard of this as a disciplinary measure.  May I ask, do you think she meant well?

but it still haunts me and sometimes I don't want to even speak to my mother even though she has been very loving and helpful to me so many, many other times in my life. I still find the resentment coming up over and over even after doing all kinds of forgiveness work.

Perhaps, it would help to work this out with a therapist.  If it still haunts you, then something is stuck.  The other thing would be, if you felt strong enough and prepared for whatever came out of her mouth, would be to tell your mother that you resented what she did all those years ago.  But sometimes, this is not the best option, esp if we are still vulnerable to their abuse.

I'm still thinking that a professional/counsellor should hear your story first.  Afterwards, it might be easier to *release* as opposed to *forgive.*

[bunny]

Maddiemad,

I had a similar event when I was 3 or so. I have *never* mentioned it to my parents as they wouldn't even know what I was talking about. I'm sure they didn't intend for it to have a lifelong effect but it did.

3 and 4 year olds seem to trigger adults because of their lively innocence and oedipal qualities. Parents sometimes do cruel retaliatory things without realizing it, reenacting their own childhood crap. It sucks but it happens.

There is a little girl inside of you that needs to be healed from this sadistic thing your mom did and to understand that it was about your mother and not you. And that mommies should never do anything so mean to their special little girls. Your mother was a bad mommy that Christmas and she never even said she was sorry, but you are now able to parent that little girl better than she did.

bunny

[Ellie as guest]

I got a stocking full of coal also. Can't remember how old I was. Nparents said it because I didn't deserve anything that year - but they gave me wrapped presents.  

We lived in WV for a couple years after I was born and we used coal for heating. I am told there was a coal pile in the backyard and being an inqusitive kid, I ate it - I was about 2 or 3 when this happened. Nmom said she was mortified and took me to the dr. He assured her it would not hurt me and I might be anemic because I was eating an iron source. Drs were so intelligent back then  

Anyway, when I got upset about the coal in my stocking I remember Nmom saying "we thought you liked coal since you used to eat it. Don't get so upset, we were only getting you something you like".

This was all an attempt to embarrass me. I know that now. I still can't fathom why any parent wants to hurt their child.