Deconstructing Self-Harm

[sKePTiKal]

River, Freshwater, et al...

You know, the aspect of all this that was the most demoralizing for me was that I felt this kind of damage to "me" -- was permanent, unchangeable, so indelibly woven into me and how I expressed mySelf... that it would be impossible to extricate it, modify it, or just stop being it.

I was WRONG. That was also another propaganda message I assimilated, to stay safe. It's not an easy thing to address, mind you. But it's not nearly as difficult or horrible or complicated, as was presented; as I thought it was and was afraid it was. Once one begins to see this, it's like "Amazing Grace" takes over... and as long as one doesn't fight it, struggle & cling to the "old" by one's fingernails, against all odds and common sense... it picks up momentum.

River - I can understand your way of explaining how all this is possible. Your "language" of it is different than mine, but at a feeling level I KNOW that it's the same thing I went through. I've not liked how I explained it so much... it seemed so complicated that I could actually get lost in all the "dreams within dreams" kind of twists, reversals, projections, introjections, etc. The movie Inception does a great job of allowing people to sort of experience what this is like. Complexity, I've found, only obscures the truth and meaning of things - like how when computer systems get too big & complicated you've only exponentially increased the number of places something can break, crash, or go wrong. It's really easy to get lost in an experience like this -- until it can be simplified down to the most basic things.

It's just no longer necessary for me to keep going over it. Even for myself. There is nothing left to glean out of it... because of what you wrote: go mad or die. It doesn't get much simpler or direct than that! That little obsessive "me" voice trying to explain, to find it's way through the maze of the insanity of what I lived through just shut up when it read that little phrase. All it can squeak out is: OH. And now, after the emotional push from my D on top of that... much has changed.

And yes, that involves over-riding my brain's evolution, the twisting paths of non-useful, or self-harming neural connections, Freshwater! LOL... it's really not such a big deal... UNLESS you believe it is. People do way bigger things every single day.

[river]

Oh, I really liked how you explained it.  I wonder if it came accross as I was trying to 'over-write' you so to speak?

I think what Im trying to do here is a bit clunky.  Im trying to add some theory to the experiences, for the only reason that when I read the theory, it gave me so much clarity, and I discovered there were names and explanations for those things that, like you, I had spent a lifetime trying to understand and resolve.  In fact I'd got to the point that I'd given up on ever understanding. 
I feel there is something vital in this information and understanding, and wanted to share it, but evidently am making a lousy job of it 

............ however, in previous times I'd have hidden in great embarrassment and shame, self-character assassinating, now I see the funny side, anticipate people here being patient, and even interested - potentially, and accepting. (just for today!!)       oh, and I havent given up, quite yet, but perhaps Im back at the drawing board of explaining the importance of this Bs Ns and Xs paradigm.    Its beginning to sould seriously off the planet, but never mind!!! 

[sKePTiKal]

no-no Hon... I absolutely don't think you're overwriting... or even that your words are less real, meaningful, and "problem-solving"... !!!!!! We EACH have to find the words that "click" for us... our "language" is different and we can even take the same word, and make it work differently (in significance) for each of us.

It's really GOOD that it's this way. Some of our best discussions here have started with a question about how someone is using a certain word. Best, in the sense of enlightening. Clarifying.

I actually welcome another voice on this topic - this shared experience - because your voice & words & usage & way of explaining things MIRRORS my own... it lets me see myself, reflected, in your experience... so I can see the details of what we have in common and what is unique to each of us. So that, we can be "sisters together" -- yet our very own individual Selves. That is a wonderfully refreshing, new experience for those of us who've experienced boundary bashing projections. I really don't want to be the only person this has ever happened to. I don't want to or need to own it - anymore. At one point, I really needed to tho'... I bequeath that ownership to you! Hold forth, let it all out... tell it all in your own words, use the theories that work for YOU...

I am not the expert of anything other than solving my own "me puzzles". For all else, I'm a tinker-er... experimenter... the mad scientist artist in the workroom with wacky ideas... the one asking absurd questions and expecting there to be an answer -- or running off and spending years trying to find the answer. Just ignore the "air of authority" I write with; I was a teacher for so long in an N-vironment - and completely insecure about it - so that's just the curtain I hide behind, to hopefully be "heard".

Go for it, river! YOUR TURN. I'm just tying up loose ends, now... ignore the mumbling old lady (me) and speak up, out, often and loudly.

[river]

Thank you both, so much (tearing up a little here!).   It is 'hard earned wisdom', tt, so accurate. 

........ ok, and this is another part of it.... what I just did, also has a name (this is beginning to funny!) ... in the approach.   Its called 'the triad', what happens...
1) you self activate... ie, take a risk/ experiment/ tell ones truth/
2) you get some feelings afterwards... eg fear of attack/  feeling exposed/ anxiety/ emptiness
3).... because of these feelings you act out, in this case, I distanced and went hopeless, and character assassinated myself 'I sound absurd' 'I was preaching like a mad person' ok, thats a bit exaggerated, but I did get a sort of wanting to hide reaction.  And that made me actaully quite dependent on getting a positive response, and in this case Im lucky, I did get a supportive response here ((((thanks)))) 

[sKePTiKal]

Boy don't we all know that reaction!

It's part of the pre-programmed pavlonian "ward off the the coming backhand" response... the duck & cover reflex. It's absolutely necessary (and worth it) to take the risk of not being able to stop yourself from this... to find out you don't need this old response anymore... because you're no longer surrounded by the threat of the backhand. Real relief starts to set in and anxiety permanently decreases.

Repeat as needed!