Hi all,
Thought writing about this here might give me some spine to carry it all the way through. Those of you who've read about my Nboss for the last 5 years will know I'm in a pretty toxic workplace situation. In a nutshell, it's been a kind of in-my-face sexism, unequal opportunity, some sexual harrassment (tailed off now), disrespect, and generally exclusion and second-class personhood I haven't experienced in the workplace due to my gender since the 70s. (My Nboss spent 20 years in an ashram, absorbing the guru's model of entitlement, rules-don't-apply-to-him and many creepy things.) I aged 10 years in five, suffered and complained (to one very decent colleague) -- but it's been a process of trying to figure out whether I feared the strange more than I loathed the familiar. Knew it was a bad place for me, but had lost courage for endless job hunting.
Anyway, finally reached the last straw. Although I've bravely fought back and advocated and pointed out the injustice of my exclusion from the board, and pushed back every time Nboss would offload some of his disowned junk on me...it wore me down. It's been toxic trying not to hate him, frankly. Bad for my soul.. It became harder and harder not to start believing his devaluing of me (random belittling remarks), and I am also so perfectly wired to keep-the-N-happy -- it's such a deep reflex -- that it's taken me this much time to begin to really WANT to advocate for my own life again, much less decide, for real, that I am going to find a way out of there.
Last straw was when I (for the first time) recently asked him for a raise (after a pretty amazing contribution of a complete business flow analysis and other things). I deserve it, and I need it. A few months beforehand, by the way, on the advice of my colleague, I did mention briefly to Nboss that it had turned out I was unable to afford to buy out my brother's share so I would be losing my house. Nboss had said at the time--oh well, I have a $1000,000 just sitting there in one account if you'd like a loan... (You kidding? Get more enmeshed with and farther under his thumb? I'd just said, that's a nice offer.) Anyway, when I went to ask him for a raise I expressed it as: 1) appreciated your offer of a loan but I realize what I need in my life is not more personal debt, but a raise; 2) what I believe I've earned, given that I've taken on many additional responsibilities in the last year and am heading up a major program within the business; 2) it's time for my salary to be the equivalent of the other 3 senior staff (males) salaries.
I did not tell him I know exactly what the good-colleague makes (because he and I broke the Keep-it-Separate-and-Secret Rule and told each other). But now I do. And it is, for the SAME level of responsibility, different areas, but one NO less important to the bottom line than the other (and quite a few arguments could be made for my impact being greater because it's so public)...I am (surprise, surprise) paid $10,000 less. That was the last straw for me. Thinking back over the years, the time when I got a Saturday job in a flower shop, trying to make ends meet, how many hours I've spent hunched over freelance jobs after an exhausting week, and how incredibly strained and worried I've been, selling everything I can, worry worry and worry. And I'm paid $10,000 less.
Anyway, Nboss goes pale, then flushes (obviously angry--how dare I?) and says oh everyone's paid totally fairly, I'm just imagining a big gap between my salary and the men's, and it wouldn't be "right" to give me any raise now before he reviews all salaries at the end of the year. IOW: No.
Then, the kicker: He goes, oh and if we were ever bought out by a big company, you and I (he includes himself to be "humble" but he's the one worth millions so it's an absurd remark) would be the least marketable of every employee here. I say, "Why would you say that?" and he says, "Because of your age. Nobody wants to hire someone with their own opinions."
So after the nostalgic levels of sexism, unequal opportunity for advancement the likes of which I haven't seen so overtly in a long while...now he's adding ageism. Those remarks started a while back...(we're the same age. he offloads his thoughts about getting older, by belittling me for being older).
I just suddenly got the picture. Do I want to work like a cowherd for this person who will never appreciate or recognize my achievements while he profits extremely from them, and then every year as I get older, be even MORE devalued with the toxic "drip drip" of his little put-downs? And never, ever, have an opportunity to advance? Just, No. I think he has a vision of me as someone who should be submissive and grateful and subsurvient (his wife speaks in a near whisper and worships him like...you guessed it...a mini-guru)...and simply keep on SERVING HIM until I die. (I believe he does not care at all, not one bit, about my well being.) Anyone who is ill, or has a life need, is merely inconvenient. He shows no empathy, ever. Though he sometimes fakes it with little "awwww" noises.)
So I have 3 jobs to apply for this week and I am just going to keep doing it until I find something that pays what I make now or better. White hair or not, there's somebody out there who will appreciate my skills and see my experience as valuable, not irrelevant. There's one that's a VERY good fit that I should have a chance at.
What I need from VESMB is encouragement to get those applications done! There's been ambivalence about making the Real Decision (familiar, even though miserable, is familiar--I have broken through the ambivalence now, but the paralysis has to be defeated too. It takes digging deep and a lot of effort to add the job search on top of the exhausting hours I put in in the first place. I'm lower on strength and endurance than I used to be.
Reading and posting here, whether about myself or not, is such a source of strength.
thanks for listening,
love,
Hops
