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nolongeraslave:
Ready to delete. The person I knows I post on these forums! :(

Hopalong:
Do you need to be on your own for a time, as you get stronger?

You have struggled to breathe on your own and to be your own advocate because of your mother's and culture's dominance.

Is it possible to accept a boyfriend "letting you" or "not letting you" go, stay home, cook, call, not call, write for support online or not?

Isn't that the same struggle? Who tells you what to do?

Who should it be? That is your deepest question, I believe.

You are fighting to learn how to think and to decide for yourself...perhaps focusing on healing yourself and defining your own life is the most important thing.

Cary Tennis has a column today on www.salon.com about a conflict between a young Indian woman and her mother -- extremely compassionate and wise (about them both).

I thought of you immediately.

love,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
NLS -

wait a bit! See what comes up and out in the couples counseling before deciding, is my advice. Give him (and yourself and the relationship) a chance. Patience sometimes really does pay off. He sounds like he does care about you and while he may not understand exactly how to "help" you... he's trying. Sure... he might be clumsy, push your buttons, and even frighten you sometimes with wondering if you really know him... but he's trying and willing to work it out. That counts for a lot, in his plus column.

There are places on the journey to autonomy - independence of self - where I became very sensitive to being dependent on anyone, for anything. I was judging myself... but blaming others, too. There was the problem of thinking everyone other than me knew more, had better judgement than I did, too. And with everything else I was trying to work on, it felt like too much and just not worth it some days to interact with my hubs and who he is. My instinct was to run as far as I could - now. It was something that required constant adjustment in my relationship with hubs... and we are still adjusting.

Hubs likes to tease me and he makes justifiable comments about "how I am" too that bothers him... but he's only trying to get me out of my withdrawn, introspective shell and pay attention to and be "with" him - "play with him". I've jumped him over and over again... because of the fact that I "hear" criticism in his teasing, I don't "need it", and it pushes my buttons -- which could be dangerous for him, because I will fight back. Each and every time, I explain to him why it hurts... and I'm not able to dish back witty repartee. And he gets it, he really does... but he keeps trying to give me the chance to play - to feel secure enough in myself, to be present enough - to be able to "dish it" and be - here - now with him... and just dance our dance without the old patterns of the past intruding. And he's right - sometimes I'm just not being fair to him, while I'm trying to care for myself.

Most men don't have that kind of patience. When you fiind one that keeps trying to help - even if he's doing the wrong things - well, he's rare. Maybe in the long run it won't work out... but it's sure worth the risk to let yourself get to the "long run" before deciding that. And if he's willing to understand and change and give you your space... and room to change too... and if you can even talk about and explain your feelings to each other... honey, he's worth considering a keeper!

But that's just my opinion - and I don't know you or him. So I'm just sharing my experience and doing some "maybe-supposing" while defending the boyfriend with you, because it seems like you haven't made up your mind... and I hear some self-doubt or thinking that perhaps your friends know more about what works for you, what you need and want - than you do. What would it hurt to simply wait and see how things turn out in counselling before deciding? (And if I'm wrong with my supposing, you know what to do with my suggestion - kick it to the curb!!)

Hopalong:
You have. You've dealt with a lot worse.

I think you're coming up so much stronger...so much more YOU in there.

Here's the column, and the letters at the end are sometimes even more revelatory:
http://www.salon.com/life/since_you_asked/

hugs,
Hops

BonesMS:

--- Quote from: nolongeraslave on September 12, 2011, 10:20:17 PM ---I edited this post, but I'm going to put it back again. I don't know what the hell is going on. Things were going so well for 11 months.  He was understanding of my family's history. He said he was proud of what I overcame. He told me I was beautiful, nice and smart. He always wanted to hang out with me and didn't ignore me.

Things didn't work out with my roommate, so I moved in with my boyfriend until I could get my own place. Ever since moving in with him last month, things went sour. There were a few incidences where he said I was acting dumb, retarded and like an idiot. I get panic attacks sometimes, and he gets frustrated with them.  He went from being empathic to not being supportive at all about my mental health. He wants me to "snap out of it" and says I'm not trying hard enough. He gets mad and says "You choose to feel this way."   I feel as if he's dictating to me how I should feel.   He says he can read me like a book, and that I don't even realize that I'm depressed. He accuses me of being brainwashed by others. I tell him this isn't true, but he insists that he's right. 

He demands that I be angry at my parents and hate their guts. He doesn't want me to call my step-dad "dad." He demanded that I should give him my phone, so I don't call my step-dad on father's day.  He once grabbed my lipstick out of my hand when I wanted to take it with me. He didn't let me exericse, because he says I'm too obsessed with losing weight. He didn't let me cook, because he says I'm too fixated on cooking and am trying to impress other people.

He doesn't want me posting on these forums, because he thinks they will make me more depressed. I tell him they make me feel better, and he thinks that he knows what's best for me.   He doesn't want me on facebook or on sexual abuse survivor groups.

Lastly, when I confront him and tell him how I feel-He doesn't take responsibility.  He denies it and says that I'm looking for imaginary red flags. He says I'm making things up.

--- End quote ---

Sounds like gas-lighting to me.  I'm seeing red flags regarding his attempts at controlling what you think, feel, say, opinions, etc.  Just my perspective.

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