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BonesMS:

--- Quote from: nolongeraslave on September 16, 2011, 10:13:11 AM ---I put the post up, and I'm back to square one. He said a couple of times that he would go to couples' counseling, and now he's refusing to go. He thinks it won't help  and that we're adults that can figure it out.

This morning, he tried to finger me when I was asleep. I yelled stop it, because I felt so startled. I had a rough night where I had flashbacks of my step-dad and other stuff.  He got mad and said I'm acting so weird and distant.  I asked him "What am I doing, because I think I'm acting fine."  He says I cringe everytime he tries to touch me.  Well, if there's relationship problems, that disrupts the intimacy.  Especially when you're being called dumb, retarded and having your feelings dismissed.  

I don't cringe when he tries to touch me, even though he feels I am. I tried to hold his hand, and he backed off. He gets mad at me for the same things he does.  In his eyes, it's okay for him to do as he pleases. If I do the same thing, it's not okay.  he's entitled to say whatever he wants, blame me and hold it against me. I'm not allowed to do this.

He tells me to snap out of it and get over things, but he will bring up comments that I made 6 months ago. He reminds me very much of my ex, even though he says he's nothing like my ex.   He says that my depression is what ruined the relationship.

I'm so angry at why the hell do I keep attracting these men? I try to be nice. I try to be sweet. I worked out my issues in therapy with my parents. I know that I need to be careful in dating.  Why is this happening again? I thought this was a good person, but he's turning into something else.

--- End quote ---

Based on my perspective, N's have the uncanny knack to fool others until they can reel us in.  They don't like being called on their bullsh*t when they get caught so they try to flip it back.  You are GROWING IN WISDOM and you are able to recognize it and set boundaries!  As for his fingering you while you were asleep!!!!   :shock:  HE HAD NO RIGHT TO TOUCH YOU WITHOUT YOUR BEING AWAKE AND CONSENTING!!!!!  He's lucky he didn't find himself knocked to the floor with a black eye!  GEEZ!!!!!

sKePTiKal:
Well, without taking back what I said in my first post, I can't help agreeing with Bones:


--- Quote ---He's lucky he didn't find himself knocked to the floor with a black eye!  GEEZ!!!!!
--- End quote ---


I've got pretty fast reflexes and have had to repeatedly warn Hubs, that it's quite possible I'll react without pre-meditation and he'll get hurt, if he tries to touch me without warning. A few close calls made him aware that I wasn't kidding and wasn't making it up, either. The whole issue of sex is a can o' worms for anyone who went through an assault or abuse. Yes, I do cringe when touched; at least wince... and the "why" is real complicated, even for me to understand - much less explain. That said, there are ways to get past that. One thing that helps, is if I take the initiative. The other is to not let "that part of my mind" take over from my body-mind-emotion feedback and sensation, in the present moment. I check in with my boundaries, too and try to head off at the pass, any over-zealous boundary guards, once I've made my decision.

Speaking of boundaries. It sounds as though BF thinks that since you moved in you're not supposed to have any boundaries. And you're not all comfortable with that. You don't have to be. You can still live there and have your own space, maintain some boundaries. That's necessary in a healthy relationship. (There'd be a lot of injured husbands otherwise!!) I'd certainly inform him of some reasonable ones you think will help you feel more comfortable being there. And if possible be open to compromise or negotiation, just remember it's absolutely normal to "want what you want"... OK? And without that, you may not feel comfortable enough to stay. If he can't respect your boundaries - especially after knowing the reasons why - he's opening the door wide for you to walk through, sweetie. Take him up on the offer and good riddance, right? No beating up on yourself just because HE'S the jerk, you know?

Hopalong:

--- Quote ---My friends say it's good I recognized the signs in just one month of living with him and getting out ASAP
--- End quote ---

Your friends are right. It is good. Not only that, it's BIG. It's huge!

One habit from being physically OR mentally abused is to tirelessly minimize what's good and strong and growing
and learning and changing in yourself, and let the mistakes (that are natural to any human being as they navigate
their life lessons) become massive, eternal, unchanging, everywhere, the-only-thing-to-focus-on.

Pooey. I think you're really choosing a new path and that this awareness is absolutely a fantastic piece of news.

How many people figure this out after years of marriage? Trapped? With multiple kids and no work?

GOOD job, NLAS. You'll work out the transition, and you DO have time to build your independent life.
Which you can share with someone else one day. Have faith that the future is wide and open.

Kudos to you for this healthy decision.

Hops

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