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the shame of it

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sKePTiKal:
Hops - what you wrote as a definition of guilt had a remedy included in it; a way to resolve the uncomfortable feeling. What is the remedy for healthy shame? toxic shame?

That's not a rhetorical question. I don't have an answer to suggest yet.

Hopalong:
I'm not sure of a remedy either...
I am interested in knowing whether anyone else thinks shame may be "below the radar" and be sometimes confused with other feelings, like anxiety or anger or fatigue...

I think because I see it as an "enemy emotion" I'm avoiding recognizing it.

Hops

Guest:
Hops
I was out clearing leaves thinking about your questions, and trying to peg that shame moment, what it feels like. This is what I'd call healthy shame, definitely. It does you some sort of good. It doesn't need a remedy, so long as you accept it?

And I thought, I can remember an exact moment when I suddenly realised after some interactions: "Oh God, I'm so up myself." That's how I can describe it (the particular moment I had, and there are different feelings, such as shock/horror), and the feeling is quite distinct. It says:

I have let myself down.

Or: what I thought I was doing there, what I was being, the image I had of myself there - was wrong. I was not living up to the standards I set myself; or, I was believing my own PR, if that makes sense.

I guess it's like an internal guilt and self-recrimination all at once. I have done myself wrong.

It's a difficult one to peg though because sometimes it seems to be eaten up inside you as soon as it happens. It's also painful because you get to blame yourself and forgive yourself, all on your own, as it were.

Is that anywhere close to what you're thinking about? Or am I up myself again? (quite possible)

Hopalong:
That is extremely helpful, FW--thank you!

I am really helped by this notion: I have let myself down.

Thank you. That really does bring this feeling into better focus.
And the lightning speed of it, too.

It's like--one feels it, then has to forgive oneself in order not to be overcome by it...all at once.

I think humor helps (you have abundant) -- and compassion.

Sometimes I think if I could better identify and understand the actual momentary process that's going on when shame is triggered, then I wouldn't have to work so hard, with so many tapioca aphorisms and affirmations, to have compassion for myself generally.

Appreciate this a lot.

xo
Hops

Hopalong:
and your thoughts too, Bones, TT, PR--

I am still absorbing.

xo
Hops

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