Blessed or Cursed in LIfe?

[sunblue]

During these really hard economic times, I do my best to keep life in perspective, to count blessings not burdens.  But, I have to admit it is sometimes really difficult to do.  If we're suffering through terrible jobs or bosses, we're told, "Think of all those who are unemployed.  Be thankful you have a job."  If we're alone or friendless, we're told to focus on giving back to others who have more burdens than they can shoulder.  Or, we're reminded of the high divorce or domestic abuse rate.  If we don't have much disposable income to spend on the good things in life, we're reminded not to compare ourselves with others who have more, but cound our blessings that we can pay the rent and put food on the table.

Compared to all the other issues we, as adult children or partners of narcissists must deal with, this is not a significant issue perhaps.  But I'm wondering if, narcissism aside, our lives are more blessed or cursed than others in life?  Do you have good things in your life you can focus on or talk about?  Have you had things to celebrate?

I have to say that for me, that isn't the case.  I've worked really hard all my life and have always been there for others....but at the end of the day, I have nothing to show for it....no good news, no celebrations, no friends, no family, not much laughter.

I called my sister-in-law today who recently had surgery to see how she is doing (I'm currently mostly estranged from my brother).  She's doing better than doctors expected and she spent the whole call relating all the good news from her family (a nephew who got engaged, antoher nephew who got the job of his dreams and a new girlfriend, my niece who is happy to go to homecoming and other good news). On and on and on.  Both she and my brother have gotten exactly what they've always wanted.....without much effort.  They've always had good things to celebrate and be thankful for.

When I got off the phone, for some reason I just broke into tears.  I try not to dwell on all the negative.....but I can't help sometimes think about why certain people are just so blessed and others aren't?  For others, things come so easily----jobs, relationships, homes, money, opportunities.  But for others, things come only with such difficulty or not at all.

Do you think this has to do with a lifetime of being raised by narcissists and co-dependents?  Is this one of the key consequences of being neglected, ignored and overlooked?  How do you turn around a life filled with bad luck or no luck?  I try to think what I did wrong...what I can change to make things turn out differently and I just don't know what it is.  People have always told me I have a heart of gold who am always there for everyone and who works hard.  Yet, I find myself alone and with nothing to smile about.

I've been traveling for work and will be hitting the road again next week.  It gets hard doing everything by yourself and knowing no matter what city you're in, there's really no one that cares where you are. 

Do you think you've been more or less blessed than others, despite the narcissism?  Is it just fate or luck?  Why do some children of narcissists do so much better than others?

Just needed to vent a bit today...and share. 

[Guest]

Hi Sun

I try not to think about myself in those terms too much. I try not to think about myself too much!

If I try hard enough, I can convince myself that I've had a rough time. Or I can convince myself that I've had it easy.

Depends whose life I'm comparing my life to. But 'my life' isn't 'me' of course, so really, it's a non-starter. I know when I'm about to indulge in self-pity, but I'm much more likely to get angry about life in general (not just mine).

Why do some children of narcissists do so much better than others?

Some children of narcissists appear to do so much better than others because they are themselves narcissists. That's one reason I guess.

there's really no one that cares where you are.

 
that's a very tough thing Sun. Do you think you could change that situation?

[sunblue]

Freshwater:

I hear what you're saying and most days I can do just that.....not dwell on all the bad.  Other days it hits me in the face, like it did today.

Also, my brother, who is not a narcissist, is the one in my family who done the best overall.  He has created a loving family (wife, daughter) who he is 150% committed to.  He has opted for a "LC"--limited contact, rather than no contact with me N mom and Co-D dad.  He and I no longer have much contact...just LC that is usually associated th my niece's big events.  Over the years, he made it clear he has no time for me.

Thanks for the reminder.  You're right.  Dwelling on others or the negatives serves no purpose.  Guess it's another one of those mysteries in life.

In the meantime, I continue to be grateful for this board on days like this.

[Guest]

Hey Sun

I continue to be grateful for this board on days like this.

Me too. Don't know what I'd have done without it. I am lucky, no doubt whatsoever about that, in this regard.

[cat]

Hi Sun.  Having been unemployed for quite a while I think I can understand a bit of what you're talking about.  I'm also working with some girls who are into the cutting scene, drugs and alcohol after being raped.  It's hard to keep an unbeat focus.  I think it's healthy every once in awhile to break down and grieve about different situations.  The key is not to live there.

When I'm working with the girls who see nothing bright and good about their day, I pull out a small spiral notebook.  It costs about a dollar.  I tell them to write down something that happened good in their day.  It doesn't have to be earthshattering.  It could just even be a "good hair day" - or that all the traffic lights when you're going to a meeting are green.  Sometimes, it helps me to see great things happening in someone else's day.  While it's not about my day, I can look at that other person and reassure myself that someday it will be my turn. 

But then some days are just harder than others.

[sKePTiKal]

Cat:

I started practicing just that thing: finding one good thing in the day to hang on to regardless of whatever else was going on - a while back. This is so very, very simple and useful at the same time because with enough practice, a person starts to realize that those "good things" are always there, all the time and it's us that tunes in or tunes out. It's just as true, that sometimes ya just gotta grieve for the other kinds of things. I like what you said about "you don't gotta live there", too.

I don't think much about whether I'm blessed or cursed, because I think those kinds of definitions render me totally powerless to impact my own emotional states and completely get in the way of simply living my life, best I can. When I can help someone else, I do. When I can yell loud enough to get someone's attention and be heard about correcting injustice - I do. And I try to smile a lot at everyone and treat them like my "phamily"... because we all need that, all the time. And I don't hesitate to physically stop someone from hurting someone else - maybe that makes me a dumb little old lady - but it surprises the perp plenty!!    I'm stronger than I look.

Good on you, Cat for working with those girls. Could've used someone like you 40 years ago...
Big HUGS.