whats the solution....?

[ukgirl]

Hi all...
i cant beleive i am not alone - even though i feel it. I thought i was gong mad, but then i read an article in a magazine and EVERTHING was exactly like him. It gave out this web address and i cant beleive there are so many of us who have or are dealing and  living with N's. And now i have even found the name for it!!!!!!
I dont know what to do though....how do i confront him and tell him i know that he has a condition? or how do i get help for myself AND for him? how do i do all of this without making myself feel any less worthless, depressed or unhappy. I think he knows in a way he is "difficult" but i dont think he would accept the fact he has a known condition and that I have found out about it...another predicament. I would appreciate any advice or help - i want to help him not leave him - is that right..??  xx

[Portia]

Hi ukgirl, welcome! You are not alone. Are you in the UK now? I am. You saw this site in a magazine? Wow! What’s the magazine? Coz I’m going to go and buy it today. Seriously! If it’s on sale here?

Is the article online?  

Should you tell him? Probably not, at least until you’ve thought about it some more and perhaps got more information. Narcissism is a spectrum, from the Personality Disorder at one end, to the healthy narcissism we all have. Where you think he is on this spectrum will affect what you do.

You say you want to help him and not leave him – whether that is right, no-one can say, it depends on what is right for you. Only you will know that.

What is he like?

[ukgirl]

hi Portia! yeah im in the UK.
well the article is in Cosmopolitan and i just couldnt beleive it when i started reading it!!!
Some thing happened in his childhood - which is where i understand it all to stem from - but then i begin to have doubts about the serverity of the incident in his childhood - what if he's lying or exaggerating??
He is a jeckal and hyde - always changing but the scarist is when he goes off his nut and starts smashing everything - including himself. He makes up the worst scenarios in his head - creates something from literally nothing, and then turns it all round on me. Ive tried to play the reverse pyhscology on him and it works to an extent, but my head feels like it will explode!!! i feel like im craking up let alone how he must be inside his head!  he took a knife to himself this weekend and tried to cut an insult to my family on himself - he didnt fully succeed, but its not the point i dont know what to do in these circumstances. I was a normal, confident, happy person before i meet him, he always tells me he loves me soooo much - its the idea of someone loving him he loves not me as a human!
I just need to bide my time i think and get more info, then i can see about how i go about it.
How about you...whats your circumstances..? xx

[bunny]

ukgirl,

I wouldn't tell him that he has a condition. He's already cutting on himself with knives and that could set him off.  He is severely unstable and this is way beyond your power to help. I think you are in danger and need to get help for yourself first. He should be in psychiatric care but you can't do anything about that. Please get help for yourself.

Here are two helpful sites for you: www.bpdresources.com and www.bpdcentral.com.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi UKgirl,

I'm very glad to hear that you are educating yourself on the situation you find yourself in.  Please do go to the above websites for more information.  I agree that you are in a very unstable situation and you really need to be careful about how you proceed.

I would like to add that you might find it difficult going if you are a compassionate person, which it sounds like you are in your post.  We compassionate folks like to help.  Please do not be seduced by the challenge or drama into "helping".  It is okay to help when the other person is also taking responsibility for getting better themselves and there is evidence of progress.  But some people are simply bottomless pits. Until they realize themselves they need help it is really beyond your power to make them see.  Honestly.  I don't say this to be harsh to you or your BF, but to caution you to protect yourself and help yourself first.

Welcome to the board and feel free to ask questions, share your story or simply lurk about.  Best, Seeker

[Anonymous]

Many thanks to you all for your posts and advice - my head still feels "cloudy" and i dont feel ready to do anything as of yet. I live in hope, that the situation may calm, or change - but now beleive that not to be. I have now told a member of his family - so now i at least know someone else is aware and are there if things get bad. I dont want to end up mad, but am heading that way. But thanks for your advice and encouragement and support - i really appreciate it. xx

[Portia]

Hi ukgirl, I agree with bunny and seeker. Please look after yourself, you’re not responsible for him, but you are for yourself.

Are you able to talk to anyone else about the situation? Your own family, or a friend? Talking about it will help you to see things more clearly and maybe you’ll feel less cloudy. Have you got a counselling service at work/college/elsewhere?

I was thinking maybe by trying to cut an insult to your family on himself, he’s trying to ‘cut’ you off, alienate you, from your family, to keep you all to himself. He wants you to choose between them and him? Just some thoughts. This is a dangerous situation – we become locked into just one person’s view of the world and that’s not healthy. We come to depend on how our partner see things and end up doing what they want, and not knowing what we want.

As for me, I was born to parents with varying degrees of N-ness. I’m 42 and feel like I’m only just starting to ‘grow up’. How about you?

[bludie]

I am no expert but after watching my mother deal with my N-Dad for more than 25 years (not only at her expense but with devastating consequences for six children) I am convinced that an NPD who doesn't want to change won't change -- not for you, not for anyone.  And even if they do profess to want to get help and change, I think it's a long therapeutic road ahead.

Having just left my NPD-ex-fiance, I heard nearly two years worth of promises, excuses, lies, just give me one more chance machinations. The upshot is that he managed to use the couples counseling and self-help jargon against me in conflict (they're good mimics and quick studies, remember).  He became extremely adept at knowing and pushing my emotional 'buttons.'

No one can make the decision for you, however, if you do decide to stay I would recommend strict boundaries coupled with counseling and any other help to recognize and heal from NPD trauma. The problem with that strategy is that it takes A LOT of work and stamina to enforce the boundaries and stick with healthy habits.  I found it nearly impossible when closely linked with an NPD.

But everyone's journey is different, so good luck and welcome to the site.

[ResilientLady]

Hi ukgirl,

how do i do all of this without making myself feel any less worthless, depressed or unhappy

Maybe you can start educating yourself with these two books (which were eye-openers as far as I am concerned):
Women Who Love Too Much (Robin Norwood)
Codependent nomore (Melody Beattie).
It's only a few bucks if you buy them second hand on Amazon   ...
-ResilientLady (who loves books too much   )