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Forgiveness

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Nonameanymore:
Hi all, it's comet Rania passing by this board yet again.
I was wondering, is there anyone here who managed to forgive their NM?
I am starting to believe that I suffer from NMtourette, when at odd times I go around the house shouting 'b**tch' towards what I think is her direction (am NM happily fr 16 years although it makes zilch difference to her).

I just need to vent again.
I don't know where this came from today, this memory and don't know if I shared before that I am a screenwriter, but NM aged 60 went to film school and made sure I found out about it, because according to her she wanted 'to get into my spirit' (creepy, creepy, creepy) and that's why she did it.
I hate her, I really hate her again, I don't know why, I thought I was done hating her.
She destroys every good thing in my life, even in her absence. She spreads her poison from a distance, with her deadly acts.

Thanks for reading this random rant
Did I mention? oh yeah, in case you missed it: I hate her

Rania
(that's my real name y'all)

teartracks:


Hountini,

Ever thought of writing a screen play about it?  

One thing I've sensed in the things you've shared is your mom's bizarre and endless ingenuity at inserting herself into your affairs.  Is my sense right that her actions explode in your life like a grenade without warning?  Sounds like she's maximizing the 'surprise effect' catching you unawares.   I can see how forgiveness under such a circumstance would be difficult.   You no sooner gather your wits (and perhaps think on forgiveness) before she throws another grenade.

tt

Hopalong:
Hi Rainia,
I was able to forgive, though as I struggle now with the difficult circumstances she left me, I am repeatedly aware of how little care she put into her plans.

In the deepest sense though, I forgive her. It became easier to do as she aged, and suffered at the last year of her life. I could not choose not to forgive, as she was vulnerable. Compassion took me to forgiveness and I am glad.

(Doesn't mean I don't still feel exasperated, when i'm worried and exhausted and she could have secured my home...but chose to let Nbrother destroy my security. That was a betrayal. Still...I forgave her anyway.)

I don't want to carry the anger into my future. It is also easier because she is gone, and so her power is gone too. I let it go with her.

Hops

Nonameanymore:
Thank you both tt and hops.
I have recently taken a course on Theta Healing whose concept is that there isn't good and evil but good and mistake that we can make up for, make things right. Ok, even if I will be able to live by that, which I quite like, how can a narcissist fix a mistake when they think they make no mistakes and are infallible?
And as for forgiveness, you forgive someone who did something to you, did, as in the past. What happens when an NM keeps on doing things?
This is the concept I have the most hard time with.
I guess things will be easier when she passes, but being an N, she is really, really healthy as far as I know, and only 60 and I m 41 and I don't want to wait till I am 90 to start living. Enough is enough.

(tt, you're absolutely right, you never know when the grenade will explode. I am pissed off at myself for having had to shrink, took my writing website down so she has nothing to aim at which proved to be a major setback for my writing career. this is one of the things, but yes, things like that. boom!)

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote --- What happens when an NM keeps on doing things?

--- End quote ---

Well, with someone more normal... one could separate the action/behavior from the person. It's what she DOES that's so infuriating, right? And there would longer periods of at least a truce, between inflammatory acts... which one could forgive, while still maintaining really strong boundaries and not "being fooled again".

I didn't go the straight/narrow route to "forgiveness". I played around with the idea for awhile; tried it on to see how it fit me... and it just didn't. There is another option, however! I think it is harder to define... typically we sum up that process as "letting it go". I had a really hard time deciding what that meant for me. What did it consist of? One of the big things was not letting what my mom does affect me so much, emotionally. 100% awareness that she is never going to change or be any different... I might as well give up on any little girl hopes of that... and invest my time, energy, and emotion in other people... who are capable of returning that and who appreciate it. People who can share a space of time with other people and care about each other. It's pretty clear to me that perfect strangers have her number, too, now. The big fear I used to have about her fooling others - and getting away with it! - has evaporated. I'm getting bolder about "calling" her on her craziest delusions. It's hilarious how quickly she changes the subject! (and what the subject gets changed to...)

I moved to the south, and there's a saying that's just so appropriate - Bless Her Heart. This is like some encoded message of support from others, to me... it means: yep, I know just what you mean about him/her! It's an acknowledgement of the reality of the situation... that there's really nothing to be "done" about it... let it go... move on to more interesting or pleasant topics. It's used other ways too... but I was really taken with this one... I think perhaps you can relate, Rania! It's sort of a socially acceptable pressure valve for letting off the kind of steam that builds up from dealing with the Nish.

If one can get past the auto-pilot on the anger button; stop it from engaging without a manual action/thought... then, the absurdity of the assumptions Ns make and what they try to get away with and the weird logic used to justify it, is unmistakably obvious. And, I might add... great material for humorous stories, that maybe still have a bit of sarcasm or bite to them. If we could concoct an N movie - a comedy - I think the laughter might heal the tears, soothe the anger & outrage, and show us where the door is to "letting it go". Sort of the inextricably intertwining of tragedy and comedy... and how the purpose of the N-mission in life is always doomed to failure to fulfill that totally unrealistic expectation. I dare you to try to plot that!  (I don't write... at least I have minimal training... or I'd try...)

It may not be exactly the same as "forgiveness" in the spiritual sense... but it's not chump change, either! LOL.....

((((((((((((Rania)))))))))))

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