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Going NC, at least for a while

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Redhead Erin:
I have really given this some thought, and I need some space, really.  I can 't go on being my mothers puppet. 

How do you do it? For those of you who went NC, what did you do?  Did you call or send a letter?  Did you wait fo rthem to call you?  Did you just stop answering thre phone?

She wants to see me; she will be calling in a week or less with a fake emergency.  I don't want to fall for it this time.

Any advice?

Guest:
I found/find it relatively easy because I live far enough away. I'm also not a great 'feeder' (I don't jump to their demands).

Once I ceased communication, they stopped too.

Not so easy for you.

It's fine to lie.

In your position, I might invent my own problems, e.g. "Sorry I can't, I'm having problems." And as she asks you every which way what can possibly be more important than her, just keep repeating the same line. Never explain, argue, or change your line. Just say 'No'. Be prepared for them to go nuts, I guess.

sKePTiKal:
What good would come from announcing your decision? Would she understand, feel awful, apologize?

I didn't think so.

I moved 1000 miles away back in 1980... I had to, for my own sanity. Yet, I still made the obligatory trips back for years... and each time was worse (for me, my kids) than the time before. I stopped going, yet got suckered one more time this year, when my brother asked me to travel. She has for all these years, called me every week - to talk about herself, of course.

Caller ID and voicemail have worked great for me (I'm not completely NC). I started out simply not picking up the phone when I saw it was her. Leave me a message. If it's important, I can call her back -- and most of the time, the messages were purely BAIT to get me hooked back into listening to her supposed tale of woe. I was training myself to resist, I guess. Sometimes, my own life was nuts enough... and when I saw it was her... I wouldn't pick up, just to spare myself that "last straw" that also sends me into a self-harm downward spiral. Later, I learned to evaluate the messages. I have gone as long as two months without calling her back. When she asks if I was travelling, I just tell her I was busy.

Yeah, busy living my own life and taking care of my own family... you know, what I'm supposed to do!

When I feel strong enough in myself - I will pick up, with that sense of resignation that "I might as well get this over with" - because all she wants is to be able to spew out anything in her mind at that moment - even if it's delusional. It goes in one ear and out the other now - I had to train myself to do this, too. I'm helping support her delusion that she has a relationship with me... I know better. She hasn't cared about me for 40+ years. But for me, this is the placebo Rx that keeps my own guilt at bay. It costs me maybe 30 minutes, each time I participate.

After a couple of years, she's started to space out her calls to every couple of weeks instead of every week... so maybe Ns are trainable, after all? But the best thing about this, is that I learned to tell when the "emergencies" were fake (almost all of them)... and when I'd respond with rational solutions... she'd immediately change the subject because I could challenge each and every wrong assumption or boundary denial she was claiming for herself. The NO word became my best friend, too. It actually becomes fun to say NO, after a while. Especially to the more out-there demands...

Erin, the BENEFITS you gain from creating your own space without mom... are more time & energy, a more concrete sense of self-identity and immediate family identity... more peace in your life... more capability to grow, get ahead, and carry on simply enjoying living your life. If you find NC is too difficult... there's always LC (limited contact). The "rules" making is up to you - not her. Don't give her a chance to define terms by announcing it to her - just do what you need to do FOR YOU.

Best of luck, hon... and don't forget: you can always talk about how it's going, here. You don't have to do this completely alone without ears to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to cheer you on.

BonesMS:
Going NC seemed to be fairly easy for me after going LC for a short while.  I noticed that the more LC I became, the more the N ramped up her BS!  The last phone call from her just ticked me off.  (She wanted me to instantly DROP my medical situations and cater to her as if I were her servant because, in her view, I "had nothing to do and nowhere to go because I'm not married."   :P)  I repeated the same line I had told her before:  "I AM NOT AVAILABLE!" (I stopped repeating my explanations because it was clear she was NOT hearing ANYTHING I was saying!)  Her last sentence to me was:  "You don't call me anymore! WHIIIIIIIIINE!!!!"  My final statement was:  "YOU DON'T LISTEN!" and I hung up on her!  (God bless Caller ID as I refuse to deal with her anymore!)

Bones

fraidycat:
It was gradual for me. I started by setting boundaries and everytime they were broken (and they were!) I clamped down harder. For example, when she would start bad mouthing people I told her that if you have a problem with someone else discuss it with them, not with me! I don't know how many times I repeated that! & when she ignored it I told her I had to go and ended the conversation. She use to get verbally abusive on the phone with me, to stop that I let her know that I had put her on speaker phone and exposed her to my family & from now on if she wanted to talk to me ALL calls are now on speaker phone (this was my daughter suggestion, 12 at the time!)  She called a few times after that and was as sweet as pie! (she was playing up for the audience!) then must have gotten bored with it and stopped calling altogether. A few years later she tried to start trouble again, she called about my sons graduation and acted as if we were close, she wanted to know when we were picking her up! I let her know we had to leave early but that we would drop tickets off for her. Long story short she tried to get me to say she wasn't invited and when that didn't work (I reassured her she was welcome & not to use me as an excuse if she didn't want to come) she called my husband's cell and left a message & lied about it. She screamed and raged about how I told her she couldn't go and how sick I was and that he shouldn't support any of my decisions because it's the worst thing he could do for me in my state of mind. He was at home when she called and on speaker phone.  I calmly called her back to let her know she was exposed again on speaker phone & told her then that until she started getting help for her problems that I wanted no contact. That's the last time I talked to her... think she's afraid of me now. They hate being exposed. I wish you the best, no matter how you go NC you'll be better off for it!
 Fraidy

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