Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Kay's Story: Welcome! Sit and talk awhile...

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sKePTiKal:
Hi Kay,

pull up a chair and "set a spell". Would you like some sweet tea? A coffee? Can I get you anything? Just make yourself at home.

Glad to see you've started telling your story. Just saying it, I think, helps a person sooo much. And even better, saying it among people who know - who've experienced those kinds of things - well, a lot of us are still hanging out here because that feels so good and helps so much. Especially with the struggles we have in the "present".


--- Quote ---For the first time ever, it occurred to me that maybe I wasn’t to blame for the way my mom had always treated me.  For the first time ever, I thought maybe I’m not all the things she’d always told me I was: “difficult,” “naive,” “over-sensitive,” “defiant,” “sick,” “crazy,” “born angry,” “inherently fearful/cautious/reserved/introverted” and on and on and on.
--- End quote ---

I hope you don't mind me, reposting this here. It really connected with me and my "story"'; I'd been told exactly the same kinds of things about myself... but it was really a revelation, when it was pointed out to me, that ONLY my mom saw this in me. Other folks, not so much. Makes a person go "huh." And you think about this a long time, from a lot of different perspectives.

I'm looking forward to getting to know you! When it feels right, tell us some more about your present... how it's connected to the past... and we can chat back & forth here. The other section is all yours - to tell your story without questions, interruption, any way you want to. That was one thing I did, that helped a lot - was tell that story about "what happened" over & over - in one long stream of journals... in "Twiggy's Tale of Woe" on the member's page (I can't remember if that's still up; I told it so many times I was getting bored by the story, I think.)... and in bits & pieces on this conversational side of the forum.

Saying it "out loud" - and especially getting other people's feedback & validation - is the opposite of "voicelessness". We're here... and we'll listen to you. And we're patient... so you don't need to feel pressured to "spill the beans" all at once, or in any set way. Do what "feels right" for you.

I'm glad you're here!  ((((((((((((Kay))))))))))))


Amber

KayZee:
Dear Amber,

I can’t quite thank you enough for this note.  It means so much to me to know that you can relate.  And to get advice from you and other people who are farther along in this emotional process. 

Some days (today is one of them), I just feel so damn crazy.  Like why can’t I just shut up about this stuff, get over it, just concentrate on the family that I am  building with my husband and forget the my FOO is and was a living nightmare.

A little more about today...I’ve been feeling really anxious about our finances.  Not sure how we’re going to survive beyond the next couple of months.  Whatever.  Most people these days are in the same boat, I know.  But I was really praying that I was going to be able to sell this essay I’d written (I’m a sometimes-writer) and score a dearly-needed paycheck.

At any rate, this essay had a lot to do with my NM and how becoming a mother myself has been forcing me to confront a lot of childhood wounds.  Well, heard back from my editor.  Not only does she pretty much hate it--don’t see much chance of it being published--but she also had the below personal advice to give:

“The problem here isn’t XYZ, the problem is your mother – and being drawn back into your past by your present. Happens to all of us. I went to a shrink when I found out from I was having a daughter. He asked what the problem was. I ranted and raved about my mother for 50 min. Then he said one sentence: you are not your mother, and your daughter will not be you. Okay, then. Problem solved. And it was!”

Why can’t I get over this the way my colleague did?  Why can’t I just throw my hands up and say, “Oh well, s*** happens.  I’m not my mother.  I’m going to go off and enjoy the rest of my life now.”  Because life is short and precious, right?  And I don't want to spend the rest of my life being this miserable.

My FOO continues to be a source of stress and anxiety.  Enabling and possibly co-N Dad is a drunk.  NM has completely ruined relationship between me and my sister--she is the GC, we haven't really spoken (beyond a few polite words) in about three years.  NM is pretty much the only one in the family I have a relationship with, and she is calling more and more frequently because she is unemployed, needs narcissistic supply.  Also, she is acting (and I do mean acting, like a bad actress) all sweet to me because my career is floundering, I am failing, and she always totally gets off on that.  Even if I went NC and walked away from it all, I don’t know that I’d feel any better.  Lately, it’s impossible to live in the present.  Everyday feels like my crappy childhood all over again.

Sorry for the rant...Just feeling destitute and a bit of a failure.

Redhead Erin:
If everything was that easy, there would be no shrinks in the world. 

I wish I knew what to tell you, but I am in almost the same boat. Welcome aboard. 

(((Kay)))

(Those were hugs by the way!)

Hopalong:
welcome, KZ...and much empathy.

I am sorry for the real waves of uncertainty ($$) -- I'm surfing too, sometimes just feel overwhelmed by the fear. Community helps me then, and insisting (periodically) that I stop and be present, in the present...

Don't know if this will sound like empathy but I truly mean it that way. Your chilling and deft portrait of your mother (especially the way she relates to babies) made me feel like taking a shower.

Truly disturbing. I think your revulsion is a very healthy thing to be feeling...and boundaries essential.

Like so many here, you will have to build those new, healthier limits and boundaries with her a brick at a time. She is like a human oil spill -- her own ocean of grossity that you feel polluted by.

Your "pollution" response is a sign of your growing inner HEALTH!

best to you, and courage --

Hops

sKePTiKal:
:: shivers!!! ::

Some of your description of your mom's treatment of you connects with some of my story. ACK! SCARY! But, it's OK for me to say that, and keep reading and responding. We're never "the only ones", you know?

It sounds like, your colleague had garden variety fears and self-doubts, so it's understandable that she was able to quickly accept and assume the emotional security needed to be a mom. The level of experience might've been way less intense for her, you know? From what you've written, what you experienced wasn't just a normal level intensity of friction between a mom and daughter. It's clear your experience was intense, and lord knows, it wasn't healthy for a child. What you experienced was something "completely different"... and I'm gonna go out on a limb & say that this experience probably makes you a better mom, than you think.

I have one suggestion that might help with your immediate "present moment" needs, while not forcing yourself to just "get over" the feelings, memories and experiences that are coming up for you. Schedule a specific time each day to write some of this out. Doesn't matter if you journal or use "Kay's Story". Whatever feels right for you. A time that's quiet, undisturbed and just for you. (hard to do with kids... but they'll get used to it, too!) You also need to limit the time, to whatever is manageable and allows you to "return to" and be fully engaged with the rest of your life. The idea is to keep the two time frames separate - past and present - in your writing. When there is a great need to "tell your story"... it will unconsciously show up in your work on topics that may seem completely unrelated... unless you dedicate a sacred space/time to honoring that past, all by itself. This is an appointment you NEED to keep with yourself and if something comes up that is "more important", you still have to make up that time and give the part of yourself that needs to "get all this out" and deal with it the way you want & need to... that time and space. That's what I mean about making a sacred place for this. It's honoring what you've lived, who you are, what you need... and it's also a way to "process", i.e., come to terms with what your past was. This kind of journey enriches life and experience and helps you grow and blossom... even though parts of it can be emotionally difficult, stressful, and maybe in some places, horrifying.

We've studied and in some degree, come to terms with, our own dark places and experiences and "things done to us". And, in some degree again, been able to leave it in the past and "get over it". You can too. [disclaimer: we still have bad days and times, too - that's just life] You are not a "hopeless case" and I'm gonna guess again... and say there's nothing really "wrong" with you that can't be "put right" with the process of telling your story, your way and finding out you're not "the only one".

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