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Narcissistic mom and weight comments revisited

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nolongeraslave:
I know this is a weird question, but do you think a narcissistic mom will LIE about you gaining weight? Like she will say "It looks like you gained more than 10 lbs" when you look fine?

Given my body image disorder, I'm obsessing like crazy.  She's visiting me this weekend. She booked tickets without asking me, and she said she will help me with my new place.

I'm also obsessing over a roommate that once made a rude comment about "You've gained a lot of weight."  I gained 10 lbs when moving in with my roommate, but recently lost it once I got the hell away from her and her inviting me to eat unhealthy late at night.

My co-workers tell me I look great once I shed the 10 lbs, but I'm fearing my mom will tell me to lose more. She even left me a voicemail "Let's think about putting you on a special diet."   A special diet to make me 100 lbs? No thanks.

I couldn't sleep at all last night, and had plenty of nightmares.

sKePTiKal:
For all you know, she may have problems herself deciding what is/isn't a healthy weight. What's her weight like? Is she happy with it? Is it her full-time occupation (after ordering you around, that is!)?

There's no point dreading and making yourself miserable in advance of something that might/might not happen. Keep reminding yourself that she hasn't said anything yet... and promise yourself not to make it your focus either. That's like you volunteering to do yourself, what you can't stand that she does. She might not say a word.

Still, since she's managed to find a way to treat you like a teenager fresh from mommy's cozy nest - by just deciding to come "help"; not ASKING if you wanted help... I can see why you're already feeling like you've been invaded. She can be your mom and STILL respect your privacy, adulthood, and personal boundaries. If you don't make her aware that those boundaries exist - she'll simply assume she's entitled to barge right in where she's not really welcome. Easier said than done, sure. But it can be done - and no one's going to volunteer to do this for you - or rescue you from her assuming and insisting on her entitlement - except you.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be sleeping either. My mom wouldn't know a boundary if I slapped her with one. Even then, it would be my fault... and she still wouldn't get it. The real issue here, for you... isn't your weight hon. It's the fact that your right to having boundaries has just evaporated, in her mind and actions... but you still might be able to stop her.

BTW - I'm pretty convinced that there can be way more important things to "fix" about ourselves than just how we look. And fixing those things, makes it a lot easier to address the "outside" when it's time. Besides: "who we are" is mostly on the inside... and if we don't get that right... it really doesn't matter whether we meet some arbitrary standard of "pretty" or "attractive", does it? I'm not advocating being a slob all the time... just trying to suggest a perspective that might relieve some of the pressure you seem to be under.


(((((((NLS))))))))

Hopalong:
I could have nightmares myself, NLAS, thinking of your mother's insane and intrusive appropriation of your body.

Of course she could lie...it is HER obsession you are acting out with your body dysmorphia.

I don't know what it will take for you to fight off her "ownership". I really don't.
But it's so toxic to you, your sense that she owns your body.

Sending courage and hope that you will find your voice or literally remove yourself from vulnerability to hers.

Hops

nolongeraslave:
I honestly don't think she will ever be happy regardless of how I weighed. She has an average figure where she's not overweight but not thin.  I remember her bragging to others how she used to be extremely thin and "perfect". 

I do see the positives of her coming...I have nobody to help me with my furniture. She said she was going to help me out with my new place, so that's what we will do. It's not a trip  for her to discuss how I look.

PR-I just had a friend, who is a dating coach say "If you want men coming after you, just look as hot as you can."  I hope she's not indirectly telling me there's a lot of things I need to fix. 

Hopalong:
((((((((((((NLAS)))))))))))))))))))

Try to hear it.

Don't judge your voice, but try to hear it:

How often and recurringly you talk about yourself in terms of your "meat", your "fat content"...

It is hard to control that thought, I do understand.

But try to notice, observe, take notes on how often you are thinking/expressing this thought.

There's a deeper, healthy you, an observer, who is whole....let that self just observe these thoughts...maybe keep a count in some way, increase your awareness of how persistent it is....

It's fodder for future healing, I think. Letting your rational observer keep aware of the irrational self-attacker.

I know who'll win, in the long run.

xo
Hops

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