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addicts don't go NC why do we?

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Ales2:
Can someone please enlighten me - I see lots of shows and have been reading alot about recovering addicts and see how much they take responsibility for their lives, how they accept their feelings and learn to deal with them in a healthy way, and how they change their interaction with others, especially their families. In almost all the cases I've seen, the families suffer from huge dysfunctions. I wondered if it seems like if the family drove the person to start their addiction, I wonder why reconcile with them?  I don't understand how forgiving someone who has really hurt you helps the recovering addict.   So, I wonder how kids of N parents are any different.  Why do we kids of Ns go NC when addicts are encouraged to forgive? Why are we (kids of Ns) different?

Can anyone comment on this?

finding peace:
Really, really good question – I have struggled with this a lot Ales,

As a youngster, growing up in a hell-fire and brimstone environment (ie, you don’t obey you will burn…) forgiveness always felt to me like the ultimate gift to give –

And yet – as an adult…

Is forgiveness what makes it ok for us to let go of what was done to us and move on?

Or,

Is it a way for us to forgive ourselves for what we have done to hurt others, so that we can let  go and move on?

Just seems a little self-serving either way????

Forgiveness is not necessarily a bad thing when it is pain others have caused us that we are able to let go and move on.

On the flip side, if it enabling us to move on despite the harm we have caused, then it seems wrong to me?

My childhood was so skewed; I am probably misinterpreting the real truth of forgiveness. 

I just don’t know. 

I am very interested in hearing other’s input on this.

Love,
Peace

PS.  My father, a couple of years before he died, said to me, I have forgiven myself for everything I’ve done that was wrong to you all (this is the man who molested me).  At the time I can remember feeling outrage, and thinking good for you (sarcasm ad nauseum there) … I was outraged that he was able to ameliorate all his guilt with the forgiveness for himself without once taking into account my pain. 

Maybe this is why my view of the term “forgiveness” seems to be selfish and skewed – I think it can be powerful, if is correctly applied.  However, in the hands of an N, I get the feeling that I am just another road kill along the path of his highway (::rolling eyes while vomiting in my mouth:: )

BonesMS:
To share a little bit about me, I am a recovering alcoholic and recovering drug addict who is trying to work the 12 Steps to the best of my ability.  My decision to go NC with the NFOO was not an easy one but, at the same time, it had to be done for the sake of my own sanity and sobriety.  Why, you may ask?  After dealing with years of violence...physically, sexually, emotionally, etc. plus receiving continuing threats of such from what is left of the NFOO, I realized that they were just simply TOO TOXIC to have in my life.  On top of that, many of them were STILL DRINKING AND DRUGGING.  For the sake of my own health, I could not continue maintaining ANY contact with toxic, slippery people who threatened my life and who saw me as NOTHING but a pile of !@#$.

Just my 1/2 cent worth.

Bones

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---Why do we kids of Ns go NC when addicts are encouraged to forgive? Why are we (kids of Ns) different?
--- End quote ---

Well - not all CoNs are encouraged to go NC. Some of us do maintain some contact*. Each situation is a bit different - so there's no one "time tested & proven" prescription that fits every person and every situation. And even over time, that decision about NC might change...

* and that compromise is not without it's difficulty and the risk of re-opening wounds; having buttons pushed.


I'm of the opinion (for what it's worth) that forgiveness is a gift of pain-relief to the person doing the forgiving - not a "get out of jail free" card for the person who transgressed... unless ... that person is truly sorry, apologizes and wants to make amends. So, an offer of "I'll forgive you..." - to my way of thinking - is kind of peace treaty that requires that apology and real change; and is simultaneously the unspoken ultimatum that this is the last chance; that another incident will force you into protecting yourself from that kind of hurt with an NC boundary (or similar). FP's dad decided to selfishly, presumtuously give himself the first part... without even attempting the second... and it's clearly a two-person interaction. (I'm amazed you restricted yourself to sarcasm, FP! I would've been outrageously angry... or worse.)

Another KIND of forgiveness is an internal decision and emotional threshold - a letting go of the issue, like FP is talking about - that frees the "forgiver" from the negative feelings, the blaming (giving up blaming is like the personal accountability for addicts), and even the real emotional "need" that drives some people to being miserable because of the futility of the need being met by people who simply CAN'T (but are the ones in our framework of understanding family, who SHOULD meet our needs) -- or drives people to self-harm, in the case of addicts and others who self-sabotage or indulge self-defeating vices as a means of emotional soothing, etc. (These are examples of different degrees of self-harm, I think...)

I'm saying there is more than one kind of forgiveness, Ales. I think there might even be more than the two examples I mentioned.

The second example is closer, for me, to my experience... and works better for me. My mom is simply sure she did nothing wrong; in her "world" there is nothing to be forgiven, therefore nothing to apologize for. So, even the possibility of me having that conversation with her is prevented from the get-go. That left me a miserable ball of conflicted, self-blaming, and self-harming agony, you know? I struggled with the definition of forgiveness for a long time. What I came to was that inner space - where I could let go the anger, the hurt, the obsession with the "wrongs" that were done - and yet, still attribute accountability where it belonged. I started learning that all these years, I'd been trying to make myself accountable, responsible - for things done TO me - things that were wrong and weren't ever going to be apologized for; my mom will never in a million years understand or admit that things she said/did, hurt me. No matter what I do to myself... which I then realized, I needed to forgive myself for doing!!

Over time, I taught myself to stop expecting that she would be sorry and apologize. And that made the inner letting go finally feel comfortable for me.

Guest:
Ales, your question:


--- Quote ---I wondered if it seems like if the family drove the person to start their addiction, I wonder why reconcile with them?
--- End quote ---

One answer might be that society likes to pressure people into accepting their families. There could be several reasons for this:

- it makes good voyeuristic TV to have family members involved;
- if addicts can be helped financially by their families, I imagine it might be seen that it lessens the caseload on social services etc;
- the vast majority of people cannot cope with the idea of someone cutting all contact with their FOO, so they encourage them to get together because it makes them feel better.

As for forgiveness, for kids of Ns, it's a side issue not worth messing your head up with. I get what you're saying PR but I prefer the word acceptance to a lot of other ideas. I don't mean acceptance of wrongs done, I mean acceptance of our lack of power to change anything - other than what we can change.

The only problem we have in that area is understanding what we can affect, and what actions we can take to achieve an outcome that just might be favourable or something we can live by. The trick is to keep breathing.
The answer in this case is to ignore what society wants.

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