Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
addicts don't go NC why do we?
Baddaughter:
I think drug addicts/ alcoholics DO go NC! As a dual diagnosed mental illness / addictions veteran, my best impression is that the behaviors and experiences and expectations from youth constituted the basis of my first addictions to pain and self destruction and the substances just sort of walked into the space. Like when your primary narcissist dies and someone is right there ready to wipe their feet on that empty doormat. The reason you are seeing addicts that don't have to go NC is because perhaps a narcissistic upbringing is not the main issue for their addiction? Anyway, bear in mind, that regardless of the approach to recovery / intervention, etc, only about 15 percent of recovering addicts are able to stay clean of their drugs of choice. I would be willing to extrapolate that only about 15 percent of us who go NC are able to do so completely without relapse. In my case, they died, so I cannot predict my relapse rate in their direction. I have been able to stay sober but I think their deaths actually promoted both of my recovery tracks. Isn't that sad?
Guest:
I know that I'm *lucky* to have real good reasons for staying NC and that makes me a potential 15%er :D
I don't expect to see my living parent again, in normal circumstances. I'm working on ignoring the rest of the dysfunctionals. It's not that difficult, for me.
teartracks:
Hi Ales,
NC vs forgiveness. NC shouldn't exclude forgiveness. Forgiveness shouldn't exclude NC. Both have their virtues and there's no reason why they can't be refined or combined if needed for each individual. Forgiveness comes easy for me, but in and of itself, forgiveness doesn't mean I'm reverting to doing business as usual with a person or people who are stuck in a hotbed of dysfunction that breeds addiction. I think someone who has gone NC should think carefully about reentering bad situations. Minimally, they should be mature, informed and strong to reenter, even then at widely spaced intervals.
tt
SilverLining:
--- Quote from: Freshwater on November 01, 2011, 01:50:59 PM ---Ales, your question:
One answer might be that society likes to pressure people into accepting their families. There could be several reasons for this:
- it makes good voyeuristic TV to have family members involved;
- if addicts can be helped financially by their families, I imagine it might be seen that it lessens the caseload on social services etc;
- the vast majority of people cannot cope with the idea of someone cutting all contact with their FOO, so they encourage them to get together because it makes them feel better.
--- End quote ---
That's exactly what I was thinking. Also, due to typical expectations of the society, a recovering addict reconciled with the family makes a much better happy ending to a story. Media is going to lean toward stories that appeared resolved, either by the addict reconciling with the family, or something sensational. A lifetime of NC doesn't make a conclusive ending.
These basic social expectations are one of the difficult things we have to work to understand and overcome.
Baddaughter:
Forgiveness is part of it! But forgiveness implies contrition. Before I went NC, I had infinite opportunities to forgive -- LOL! But I never experienced any contrition. The lack of contrition and awareness reinforced my desire to try NC. My involvement in their lives was unappreciated and the rules of engagement changed daily at whim. As I am truly contrite about the whole thing, it is also important to forgive myself. But still I long for them - or what they coulda shoulda been. Sigh -- much more than I long for those lovely amber liquids -- oh to be tortured by them one more time again. I tend to be flippant and overly lighthearted about serious topics -- or at least that seems to be "me" at the moment. But this is what I believe about myself -- I desperately wanted my ideal of a family back so bad that I went to great lengths to acheive some sobriety because I believed my main problem was a total state of drunkeness whenever I could manage it. I embraced 12 step program and mental health counseling (private) and classes at local health dept. No one ever wanted to feel better more than I. I heard in the "rooms" that people were accomplishing great things and regained their families. Bear in mind that my family did not know I had a terrible drinking problem. Would have meant knowing the real me in some fashion I guess. But none of them ever acknowledged that I was disappearing before their very eyes. I guess that is hard for me to admit about them, but it is true. Only my husband knew and eventually some cousins were aware but problem was ebbing by then and mother only found out after sobriety well underway. None of these people were ever inconvenienced by that or any other "problem" of mine. So I get well into challenges of new lifestyle and am finding myself more and more uncomfortable with it. Feeling Worse! Great things aren't happening... people left and right are making great breakthroughs getting "forgiveness" from their families and rejoining them -- people relapse and still get them back! Hey! These people Love each other -- they want to see their loved "better" and love them on both good and bad days. Wow! But I strove mightily on for over 2 years, wondering -- my psychologist gently tried to prod me into some acceptance of family truth -- but I couldn't accept it. Only since I started reading about toxic families did I start to get a really better grip -- about 5 to 6 years into recovery. My mother eventually told me that although she was not aware I "was a drinker," she actually thought all my changes had been for the worse and she liked me better before...
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