Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Sick father etc.

(1/4) > >>

Meh:
My nar-mother and alcoholic brother have been pestering me to contact my father who is very sick according to my brother. I haven't talked with him for at least ten years probably. So I finally asked my brother via phone message and email for my father's contact information because I don't have it. And my brother doesn't appear to be answering his home phone or his cell phone. I've got to wonder if this isn't some of his bullshit that after both of them nagging me (meanly, and callously)..then my brother will not provide the phone number.

I don't really know if this is what is happening but it's something that he would do.

I don't want to reopen contact with my father or brother. I just want to know that if he is dying that he is getting some sort of assistance. He is living in an apartment by himself near to my brother and my brother says he weighs 80 pounds and is refusing medical assistance. I don't know if I should try to contact the local hospice there where he lives. I really don't know what services are available to people when they are very sick and have very little money.

I'm stressed somehow both my brother and father have always been sources of stress and not much else. I feel that contacting my brother and father is the wrong thing to do for me. I also feel that doing nothing is not right. I also can not do much even if I wanted because of my personal situation and the emotional burden is too much. I'm afraid I'm going to be parentified, wifeified, nurseified, doctorified, garbage-canned. I don't know how to spell those things but you get the drift.

My father has never been a well-rounded person and I don't really know what is wrong with him. He never did take very good care of himself. I feel angry that he has been so stubborn and unwilling to reach out for help himself in his community, he has never been the sort of person to do that.

This morning I was planning to get out of bed and go to an orientation about getting low-income grief counseling for myself. Idiotically they only have this orientation once a week and I didn't get up to go to it (can't make an appointment without going to the orientation). Partially I don't want to explain it all to another counselor that doesn't "get it". They won't get how my Nar-mother adds to the grief. They won't get that I don't feel like I "love" my father, they will insist that I should and then I wonder if I'm a bad person. They just won't get it.

I'm sure I will eventually try to go to a counselor for myself soon because it just feels like too much. I hate the idea of speaking to my brother and father.

In an email, I asked my brother if he took my father to a social worker, If he is getting social security. I would like to know those things are being arranged for him but beyond that I can't speak to him every day or be a nurse for him while he is dying. I don't really know what they expect from me.

If my father is facing death, I know that not even in this serious situation will the dysfunction have a hiatus, instead it's only going to intensify from all sides. My b*tch of a mother and my alcoholic brother will only show their worst sides. I feel hateful.

Any thoughts?

The only peace of mind that I have is that none of these people know for sure exactly where I live. So they can't literally show up at my door step.

I don't think I really explained what I wanted to explain but I'm in a public place, my lap top isnt working right now. I hope I will get a chance to write more in the future.

Guest:
You don't want to contact your brother and father - so don't do it and don't worry about not doing it. They haven't cared about you, you owe them zero. Your father will live and die as he wants to and he has that right. People have the right to make asses of themselves. It's not our problem. I'm sorry that you're angry about him and that seems normal.

Do whatever you want to do, but put yourself first. Nobody else is going to do that for you.

I'm sorry. I think from what you say you are looking after yourself better if you stay away from these people and don't call or email any more. Doing that for yourself would be a good move. It is not doing nothing; it's protecting yourself. That's your top priority.

sKePTiKal:
Hi Boat - I've been wondering how you're doing and hoping you were OK! I'm glad to hear from you, no matter what kind of news it is.

The grief counseling sounds like a good idea, if the logistics come together. There is more than one kind of grief, and I think you may be faced with trying to untangle the jumbled ball of it, into separate "colors" so it becomes a process with individual steps instead of a massive undertaking. It really helps to have help doing this; sometimes we're just too close to it, you know? I think it's possible that a grief counselor is the best choice for you (better than previous experience), and is most likely to understand what you're facing - without judging or "shoulds" - and that it would be nutz for you to love that so-called family of yours. I'm hoping this works out for you.

I understand your reluctance and anxiety about "what could happen" by contacting your brother and being involved w/them at any level. Makes a lot of sense to me, too! You have done what you can; you asked. Would anyone else know? Would you go so far, as to try to sleuth this info out? In this situation, it appears that you've done all you can and all you're being "allowed" to do, to express your concerns in your own way. Try not to shift responsibility for "doing something" from those who aren't responding to you, to yourself.

It's a tough, emotional situation. Talking it through, venting, trying to make sense of things helps me and you express yourself so well maybe it'll work for you too. What's wrong with your laptop? Maybe I could help at least identify that problem, even if I can't fix it at such a distance.

(((((((((((((Boat))))))))))))))

Meh:
Well, I did contact both of them-brother to get father's phone number and father. And yes it's the same ol' bullshit except now he is sick.

I don't have much to write at the moment. It's never really warm or fun with my relatives it's stress and guilt and sadness.

Meh:

--- Quote from: Freshwater on November 01, 2011, 07:28:51 PM ---You don't want to contact your brother and father - so don't do it and don't worry about not doing it. They haven't cared about you, you owe them zero. Your father will live and die as he wants to and he has that right. People have the right to make asses of themselves. It's not our problem. I'm sorry that you're angry about him and that seems normal.

Do whatever you want to do, but put yourself first. Nobody else is going to do that for you.

I'm sorry. I think from what you say you are looking after yourself better if you stay away from these people and don't call or email any more. Doing that for yourself would be a good move. It is not doing nothing; it's protecting yourself. That's your top priority.

--- End quote ---


Yes, I pretty much agree.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page