Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
The "Mama Never Told Me" Thread
Meh:
Well there is something I'm noticing that I didn't "Get it" when I was younger. I (probably other people also) can act like everything is okay or try to acheive, or look the part and play the part that one is together and okay. The thing is if there is something in there, inside of me or probably (us) that is not okay, or didn't get worked out somehow the way it should have or didn't grow like it should have that it WILL show up again later in life or it will cause problems or manifest SOMEHOW and SOME WAY. The most invisible, broken hard to see things inside the self might be the most powerful factors that control/limit/shape us in the present and the future.
sKePTiKal:
You are correct, Starlight! That something inside does show up - in all kinds of ways - even physically, for me. We call it lots of things... inner child, unconscious, higher self, etc. Sometimes, I call it my "evil twin"... but lovingly!! (LOL...)
You could call it - a "broken heart" - too. I used that description for awhile because of what I observed of that "other me"... and how it felt. Broken hearts can self-mend (sometimes wiser), if they're allowed dignity, grieving, and space... the time to heal. A patient, compassionate listener during that time, is a really good thing. Because going through that self-mending - while it's something a person can only do by themselves; they actually do the mending - the process really requires that other person... to HEAR the story of what happened... to say, "Damn right you were pissed! I would've been too"... or "OH MY... how awful!... You need a hug", throwing their arms wide open and if you choose to accept the hug... just surrendering to the comfort, the caring and letting out all the pain that's been hidden away for so long because there WASN'T that "other 3rd person" back then, to do that...
... and as children who were taught to keep secrets to protect someone else, never expect, much less hope and ask for - those kinds of needs to be met for ourselves... we didn't really learn that it's more than just OK to be a blubbering chaotic mess - to actually fall apart emotionally - and be comforted by someone safe, who cares... who isn't going to make fun of us or expect us to just "snap to" and "get over it" and "figure it out" while they walk away. It's what being HUMAN is all about. This kind of "letting go" of pent up, archeological emotion is a kind of emotional-intellect-processing; it's how we think with our emotions -- at least, that's my theory/explanation and it still works for me. This is consistently one of the things that "Mama Never Told Us"***... that I see in my and other people's posts from time to time. It feels as if it's never been OUR turn to be in that position with another person.
Least, that's what I know about me, anyway. And I also know it turned out I wasn't so helpless in relation to my inner self, after all. It takes time, but you can learn to be on the same side and work together. In my case, it was like taming a wild beast... but that was only because she was hurt so deeply and badly. She was really a soft, mushy marshmallow... and only tried to wreak havoc and be so big & scary... to protect herself.
You always amaze me with how clearly you "get something" -- and then dive right into, and out the other side -- with an in-depth understanding. It expands what I learned from my own process - a lot - it ADDS to it, to read what you're seeing, feeling and learning. I have tunnel-vision a lot.
*** Mama can't teach what Mama don't know herself.
Meh:
--- Quote from: PhoenixRising on January 29, 2012, 11:10:08 AM ---*** Mama can't teach what Mama don't know herself.
--- End quote ---
Mama is a selfish witch. There are definitely times when she knew better--She has always gotten away with playing dumb. She didn't try.
sKePTiKal:
Yes, those kinds of mothers exist; they're real; sadists... people who can only feel better if they're making someone else miserable. Even more horrible, is that they are kinda proud of how they are... they aren't embarassed nor do they see/feel any shame for their impact on others.
Momsters.
:shock: They are the real-life army of zombies, I sometimes think.
I am so sorry your mom was one of those, Star. They really don't deserve the kid you were - and adult you are now. Their attempts to pretend to have a relationship are intensely painful.
You are smart, you are sensitive, creative, and there's that bubbly mirth you've shown here and there. You've been able to teach me what play IS. You deserved a better mother than that. You are also persistent, insightful, and caring... there is wisdom in you that I see, too. I have a suspicion that you can learn quickly -- so gaining a specific "skill set" is the least of your worries.
You sound like you're at a pretty hard part on your path. I think I know where/what it is... but it's best if you say it all yourself now. I'm going to sit on my fingers and bite my tongue... because you're telling YOUR story... and I'm on the edge of my seat waiting to hear how it all comes clear for you. Something my T used to tell me kinda fits right now: there is no timetable for getting it, for seeing a certain thing, getting past it... each person is different and has different kinds of "guardians" or "trolls" on the path (fears, upside down/inside out ideas, etc) to deal with; some of those will take more time to get past...
... maybe you need to get some rest first; maybe just break up your routine and do something different... what do you need right now, Star?
Hopalong:
Hey Boat (thanks again for letting me still call you Boat, just feel a lot of affection for that name),
I think even malice, even cruelty, is still a form of "not knowing."
If someone really knew or were capable of knowing with some depth of recognition what a difference it would make in their own lives, much less another's...to forswear malice and cruelty (or at a minimum to apologize and try to make amends when they popped up, since they are in human nature) -- then it's hard to imagine they'd choose the blunted, hurtful, dysfunctional thing.
But whatever they reason they choose it at times, or stumble into it, or hide in it, they're accountable for it. You have to protect yourself from cruelty anyway. It's not going anywhere.
I have a handfull of unique ignorances, and so does everyone else who walks on dirt.
My Nmother showed malice on occasion; usually, emotionally, she was just perky but blank. My brother was malicious as a hobby. My father -- I think in my entire life I heard him make two cutting remarks that hurt my feelings. They weren't pure sarcasm, but they were judgmental. And the rest of the time, he emanated peace. He'd get exasperated and overwhelmed, but when he had a chance to make me smile or create a little peace in the atmosphere, he would.
I know what you mean about a therapist's listening not being enough. It takes a village. A menu. A whole network.
Did either of your parents drink? I was wondering if a ACOA meeting plus a wise sponsor could be like "therapist #2) -- and free.
And/or a UU pastoral care type person.
I am helped, at 61, by finding an OLDER person to talk with. Not instead of a therapist, but in addition to.
Anyhow, I am visualizing a village for you, so your entire hopes aren't set only on the therapy...but on the therapy PLUS.
You are a blogger, or could be.
I don't think I'm helping, a bit blue myself today...but here's a gentle rock (no pun intended)...
Hops
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